Semesterness, Last: Explanation

For those wondering what 'It's done' meant, exactly, here's a recap of Saturday night, with the preface that the Ideal saw me [[I didn't see him]] on Thursday night, when I was looking for Hair and Keys to, well, vent, but he didn't want to interrupt my conversation with the dormmother, and when he next looked up from his homework, I was gone. He told me the next day, when I saw him numerous times, as I was following Ish around to classes. I saw him at the accreditation convocation, and in the spare time afterwards, and at chapel, and at lunch, where he sat next to me. Overall a good time, though I knew I would not see him that night, as it was his roommate's 21st birthdays, and the guys on his floor like to celebrate together, in style.

Anyway, come Saturday, and I was frustrated about the sitch and other things all week, and then my laptop got a trojan horse virus. I was trying to fix it with my brother, who was in Milwaukee, so I was on the phone for a long time after the virus attacked remote assistance. Before it was that bad, I had called the Ideal around 8, 8.30 to see what his plans were for the evening. I knew there was a birthday party thing for a friend of ours, but I didn't know if he was going [[I also got the impression from Ish earlier that I shouldn't assume I was invited to that, probably because the establishment planned upon doesn't allow underage people to come in, or some such thing].

The Ideal was good enough to call me back around 9, via trakfone. The group was planning to leave for this party around 9.30. but he could tell things were bothering me, and immediately asked if I was okay, and promptly ran over to my house, conveniently just as I finished fixing my computer with my brother. We talked with Princess in the hall for a little while, and then I grabbed a coat and we went for a walk.

We addressed my problems with other people and other things first [[not that he knew that there were problems involving him]]. I brought up the confusion involving Hair and Keys thinking I hated them after the play. We're now at least 10-15 minutes into our walk, I think, when I just point-blank said, "Do you intend to send mixed signals?"
the ideal: "what?"
amelie: "you. mixed signals."
the ideal: "to whom?"
amelie: "to me"
the ideal: "oh. no, I don't normally intend to send mixed signals to anybody, but I end up doing so to practically everyone."

And then I explained the whole trying not to read too much into things, because I figured it's just the way he acts, and I mentioned overthinking [which he completely understands, as he does the same thing] [[I did not go into every possible example of mixed signals. I didn't think that was necessary]] and then I explained how part of my problem with the supposed mixed signals was his initial response when I told him I like him.

I had to remind him what he said, and he was genuinely really sorry. He admitted completely that it was a yes-and-no answer, and a horrible one at that, and mentioned that he thought we'd discussed this since then, which we hadn't. He also mentioned something like, 'I guess I was trying to leave too many doors open, when some of them should have been shut, perhaps.' Then we kept talking, and were still walking, when we discovered I had made him late for catching a ride to this party, so I promised to drop him off there, as he was carless for a few weeks.

And then he answered the question for real. This point was the most awkward of any of it, and he pointed out how awkward it was. The answer was 'No, I'm not interested.' which is fine, and wonderful, and was immediately followed by my saying, 'And that's fine, because I have no problems being just friends with you.' And he seemed to think continuing on this friendship was a great idea. And then he mentioned, 'The thing is, though, I don't have a reason for saying no.' -- I wasn't aware he needed one. Is that the way things usually are? -- and I told him that, and he said he should've kept his mouth shut, but gave the example of two people breaking up, which he noted we were not doing, and how someone normally has a reason for ending things, or whatever, but mainly that he didn't have a reason for saying no. And that's the Ideal for you, honest, sometimes blunt, cynical, logical, sarcastic, etc. *not* one of the crowd.

And he and I kept walking and talking, and I did point out to him that he's one of my closest friends, and I hoped it was okay with him, and it seemed to be okay with him, though it strikes him as odd, because people he's normally close to are normally around [[I know, I know! It sucks]]. And actually, the fact that I'm not around much came up a couple of times, with the general consensus that it sucks. Then I apologized again for making things awkward again, and he said he didn't feel awkward at all, just at the one point [[I pointed to that part of the street where he felt awkward, as we were doubling back by now, having hit a dead end road]]. And he discussed part of the reason for the awkwardness, in worrying how I'd respond to his answer, because it was the kind of thing that would make other girls cry -- not that he thought I'd cry, but nonetheless a shall we say delicate issue. Somewhere along this, we also talked about that night in october when he was very blunt with me, and really helped me out when things weren't right with me. In fact, I started out this walk referencing that, saying I was somewhere back there again.

And as conversation and the walk ensued, we kept each giving different examples of how [whoever is talking] is not like most people -- which by and large the other person understood, as the other person is the same way... if that makes sense. Example: the overthinking, and being more logical and blunt and sarcastic than most people, are things that we both do. So one of us would reference it for oneself, and the other would confirm understanding of it since the other does the same thing. We agreed that we're largely on the same frequency, which is part of why we understand each other and get along so well.

Then we made it back to my house, and I grabbed keys. As we were leaving, my hip rang, and it was Ish telling me that they'd switched to a different establishment, the first being full, and at this different establishment, underage people could have water or soda and pizza or whatever so I could stay if I wanted. In the car, he asked if there was anything else unresolved between us, and I couldn't think of anything and he couldn't think of anything. And I apologized for awkwardness, but he didn't feel awkward with me and I didn't feel awkward with him. And then he apologized, because, as he said, 'This is really completely all my fault,' which I didn't entirely agree with, but things were good. At this point we got a call telling us to pick up a few people on campus, and when they got in, he welcomed them to our car [ha!]. He was doing a lot of possessing things that night; it was amusing.

I didn't actually decide to stay down there until we got there. Inside, a bunch of people realized it was my last night there, and I got mobbed with hugs. Besides which, I hugged Ish as per usual, and hugged one of our friends who was visiting for the weekend. And the Ideal came over a little bit later [he was sitting at the opposite end of things to avoid a visiting ex-girlfriend] and he started teasing me / giving me crap about all these hugs, given our conversations about too much hugging in the group, and how it was unnecessary to get hugged every five minutes. That he did that was an indication to me that things were fine and good between us.

At the end of the night, I gave him and a few other people a ride back up to campus, and then we said our goodbyes, as I wouldn't see him Sunday before I left. So I got my usual hug and drive safely and whatnot. And Sunday after I got back here, we talked on msn for a while, as per usual sundays, before he left.

And I really don't feel awkward with him at all, and by his account [which I trust, as he's one of those honest - blunt people except when he gives yes-and-no answers ^_- ] he doesn't feel awkward with me, either. I guess we'll see what happens when next I see him, but I don't anticipate anything other than our usual friendship, which is great.

Meanwhile, I'm so relieved to have this talk over with -- and the overthinking about mixed signals and whatnot, for that matter -- and so relieved and glad that we're still friends, and that I really can talk with him about anything, and vice versa.

This is all why I say it went well, and was as I expected. You should know me well enough by now to know that I was hardly about to think he was going to say yes, because it's me we're talking about here. But that's alright. Do you see what I'm saying? I'm not upset about this.

Furthermore, last night, he changed his personal messge to 'waiting for a miracle...' which involves trying to get a hold of the courtesy yes and confirm some sort of pseudo-date with her [[took a little bit before he was willing to come out and say what it was about, but needing a miracle and not having one covers a large range of potential problems, and I was concerned]]. I assured him that I think sooner or later he'll find the right one, because really, I do. After a bit of discussion about when breaks line up next year, and how little people in the group would see each other after graduation, we started asking each other random questions, like 'will you be around here for your birthday next year? [[to me]]'; 'if you weren't going to be a pastor, what would you do? [[to him]]'; 'if you could live in any country, where would you live and why? [[to me]]'; and the last: 'if I died tomorrow, would you be happy for me? [[to him]]' Oops.

This was, indeed, a random question, but I realized after sending it that it could be taken the wrong way. He answered the question, then asked if he needed to steal a car and drive up here... and mentioned being concerned that I was *planning* on dying on Tuesday. I humourously pointed out that the Abstract Algebra exam wasn't until Wednesday, which he thought gave him plenty of time. Then I flippantly said, 'Like you'd skip class for that :P' This was apparently the wrong thing to say, as he was becoming more and more concerned. I pointed out that I hardly thought that if I were planning my death, that this would be a random question. He was thinking a cry for help. I questioned what reasons I might possibly have to want to do that, and he asked if I needed to enlighten him as to anything. At this point, I realized how seriously he was taking this, and reassured him that I wasn't planning anything. He said he had been becoming concerned, truly, and that my 'question dodging' left a lot of unsurity, with a potential life on the line, but that it was okay, his heart was slowing down again. He accepted my apology for unnecessarily worrying him, and he wasn't angry, so long as I was okay. It's part of what he called his 'little known and seldom appreciated sensitive side.' I appreciate it.

So, long story short [too late], I'm just relieved to know, and I'm reasonably confident that, thankfully, this friendship isn't disappearing anytime soon. Poor guy. ^_-