Cut to the end of October. I've been back up at school since that Tuesday, and the only contact has been the occasionaly msn conversation. I was bummed. Aside from that, I was bummed. I was in one of those moods in which, frankly, I've spent most of my life. But. Something didn't seem right, and I couldn't put my finger on it. In addition, I was getting to the point of trying to convince myself that there was no way the Ideal liked me, or would start liking me, so I was determined to resign myself to fate. I even put 'resigned to fate' as my personal message on msn.
And we started talking. About having people problems, which morphed into my saying that I'm sick of myself, and led to a mention of resigning myself to fate, though I didn't say about what. And he was frustrated, I could tell, because we both were having issues, but he wanted me to go first, and I'm notorious for not sharing.
I know that's a curious thing to say on a blog -- "I'm notorious for not sharing" or 'I don't like talking about myself.' But really, it's true, because I always think that I'm boring the person with whom I'm talking, or monopolizing the conversation, or preventing them from talking, and frankly, I think they're more important than I am.
Back to the point, this conversation was decidedly brief, as I had a Linear Algebra study session to go to, but we thought we might chat later, perhaps -- at least, it was perhaps until I said, "*shrug* no big deal if you're not [back later]; it's just me," which was met by a string of responses:
the ideal: 'what's that supposed to mean?
'don't even answer that.
'i will be back later.'
And he was. And he turned it into a vigourous Q&A mission, which I was quite adept at sidestepping, I'm almost ashamed to admit. And as he said later, normally when people dodge a question, you try once more and then let it go, or they open up. I dodged at least 4 times, and still...
the ideal: so what's eating you?
amelie: life
the ideal: that's kind of broad. i'm not going to laugh at you. it's ok to share. i can't guarantee that i can help, or that i'm full of wise advice, but i can listen.
amelie: i'm just resigning myself to the fact that some things aren't going to happen, even if i want them to.
the ideal: that's still pretty vague. [insert a bunch of humourous questions]
...
the ideal: you're a tightly sealed clam. no joke. i know, because that's the way i often am. people can't help unless they know what's going on.
and it sucks to walk through life alone.
especially when you have friends who would kill to be able to help.
i'm not alone in my concern here. believe it or not, there are a few of us, at least, who care.
and if i'm not the one you can open up with, Ish is around too. and i'm sorry for that last part.
i'm just telling you how i feel. it's hard to build a friendship when one party does all the sharing. [[*emphasis my own, as that statement haunts me. he's right. ]] but i'm not leaving here until you tell me to.
...
the ideal: i do care, and i am trying. i'm not the most socially adept person myself...
...
the ideal: let me tell you what's going through my mind right now. i'm no expert, but i've observed a lot of people [[as have i, as he well knows]]. i've helped some close people through some serious sh*t, and i myself have walked through some nasty stuff. please bear with me for a second, this might hurt.
i want you to tell me what's going on. not because i have this need to know the latest and best about everyone. not because i'm going to remember every detail about our conversation. not because. not even because i care (i do care. a lot. but that isn't why i want to know what's going on). I want you to talk to me because i have a feeling you can't.
it feels like every muscle and fiber of your being screams NO at the slightest thought of sharing your feelings, because somehow you've been convinced that no one cares and no one loves and no one wants to know. stop me if i'm wrong. but i've been where i just described, and it sucks. and if that's where you are right now, i want you to follow me to someplace else.
and if it isn't where you are right now, we can end this conversation, and i'll trust that you are just feeling down about things you just don't want to share with me.
that was probably more blunt that i've been in a long time with anyone, but i only said it because i do care. i'm here until you want me to leave.
[[I am so glad I have a friend in him. Even if we're never anything but friends, good God, what a friend!]]
And I launched into how things were making me feel lately, and even was honest enough to say:
amelie: another part of the problem i have identified, especially in taking with a friend last week for 2.5 hours on the phone, is coming to terms with the fact of you, and that's silly, and ridiculous, and probably not worth bringing up right now, but you very bluntly told me to spill it or else, so there it is, as part of the rest of it.
i've been restless, i've been uneasy, i've been sick, i've been cross -- crosser than usual, it comes off as, i guess.
the ideal: so is this the core problem or something on the side? (if you don't mind my probing)
amelie: if i knew, i'd tell you
the ideal: fair enough
you don't have to answer any of my queries. i'll still car about you. i respect your right to privacy. i'm just trying to help.
so why are you being so down on yourself?
....that was a bad question
amelie: if you had any idea how often i'm down on myself
the ideal: i could guess, and it isn't pretty
i don't know what events or people in your past convinced you that you are not good enough in whatever way. i don't want to dig them up. but you have to find a way around them. and that's not an easy thing to do. may the reason i feel so forecfully about this is because i spent 17 years of my life that way.
ultimately, Jesus Christ loved you, YOU PERSONALLY, so much that he knit you together with love in your mother's womb. He endured in silence the mockery, the shame, the nakedness, the fatigue, the stripes, the blood, the pain, the HELL, in its most literal sense, for YOU. He loves you. that's reason enough to seek a reason to love yourself.
don't insult of think light of what He gave you. He gave it to you for a reason. whether it's your body, your soul, your mind, your talents, your treasures, or your lot in life. it is sufficient, it is good, it is beautiful. He does not burden you with a load you cannot bear.
i honestly know the long and nasty road to get to a place where you can look at yourself as a creation of God and love yourself. i know the void that comes from not loving yourself and from not letting anyone else love you. the only way to fill the void is Christ. there's no counselor who can fix that problem and no therapy that will help. only Christ. but Christ is more than enough.
i speak as one who is healed, but i also speak as one who still feels that void now and then. only Christ can fend it off. He is there for you, and with him so are your friends, i and ish, especially.
He was crushed for you; don't think he doesn't love you, and don't think he isn't working for your eternal good.
and Am, thanks for sharing with me.
[[again, the wonderful friendship. thank you, God, for him. in addition, i think he'll make a great pastor.]]
...
the ideal: i would say some things to K in the same way i spoke to you tonight, but he mostly hates me (which i was afraid you might choose to do) because i can read him with surgical exactness (i spent a long time in his shoes, too, whether he wants to believe it or not).
[[background for the latter part: K liked Ish for forever and a day.]]
amelie: but my hating you is not likely, unfortunately for you
the ideal: i wouldn't want you to hate me
Following this, we discussed the lack of talking about me, in general, of which my favourite segments are:
the ideal: except that sometimes we really just want to talk about you. :)
amelie: but why?? silly people who care about me.
the ideal: and if it's a big deal to you, then it is a big deal, and even if it's a small deal, we still care.
i never claimed to be ... not silly...
now who's stuck with whom? to paraphrase a comment you once made to me.
[[background: he'd been having a horrible time of things, and told me i'd want to not talk to him, as he was irritable, amongst other things. but i told him i'd never leave unless he really wanted me to, and that he was stuck with me [poor him]. apparently that stuck with him, so to speak.]]
He did so much for me that night. And he put me in front of studying Hebrew vocs, which may not sound like a lot, but it really is. The Ideal is a studious guy. Really, really studious. Ridiculously studious. [[Now you see why I'm attracted to him -- ha!]] But anyway, entirely new outlook on things, particularly things pertaining to me. I felt better after that than I had in .... I felt better after that. And he knew, and he helped. God bless him.
I missed seeing him at Thanksgiving break by a lack of communication; I didn't think he'd be back, and he didn't think I'd still be around. It would've only been about an hour, but that's something. That's human contact, and considering he spent nearly all of Thanksgiving break in a deerstand, I was led to believe human contact would've been nice.
On an amusing turn of events, after I was back up at school, he had me edit a paper for one of the classes he had for my father. I believe it was the Greek class, not the Latin class. I was editing a paper using Microsoft Word comment inserts, and sending it back to him less than 24 hours before my dad would see it. Our secret, that Princess naturally spilled the next time we were home..
Which was the weekend after Thanksgiving [[as in, the first weekend in December]]. Princess and I went home to set up the tree and bake cookies and such, as Christmas decorations are not allowed to begin until 1 December at the earliest in our household. I of course spent as much time as possible over visiting Ish and friends, and the Ideal, who by this point was rather scruffy. And he looks good scruffy. Ahem.
Anyway, Friday night involved entering a dorm basement lounge area and having no less than 20 people shout out my name happily. And some came running at me to bombarde me with hugs. A little bit unnerving, to say the least. I didn't stick around terribly long. Saturday night involved viewing X-Men III in the Ideal's room, and staying out later afterwards in the lobby, talking with the Ideal, K, and M. Although a lot of that was K and M talking together, and the Ideal and I talking together. Sunday saw me stop by once more to say good bye, and to be confused by certain people slipping away from the last 30 minutes of conversation, only to have to be hunted down for the actual good bye when I had to leave for college again. I knew I wouldn't see the Ideal again until he came back from Christmas break for his spring semester, which would begin a week before mine.
Now, for quite some time, an excellent idea had been fermenting in my mind. I was under the impression that my brother started school around 3 January. My dear brother goes to school in Milwaukee. Ideally, I was thinking I could head back to Wisconsin with him, stay with friends in the Madison area, and then get a ride back with either Cap'n Jack or the Ideal [[you can guess at the preference]] when they headed back for college in my hometown around 9 January. I was hesitant to mention the idea to anyone, as I was sure it wouldn't work, and would never happen anyway.
But..
There's more to this story, of course, but that will continue in Semesterness, Part Four [[even if it's technically after the semester; these posts have clearly followed a main aspect of my semester]].
31 January, 2007
13 January, 2007
Semesterness, Part Two
Close to the end of September, I was going to be heading home for the first time since I had told the Ideal that I like him. He had already had a rough week in between, from a number of different venues, and I was looking forward to seeing him for Theatre Physics. And then he had to work, and didn't really expect to see much of anyone because of it. [Like I'd let that stop me..]
He and I arranged to hang out that Saturday afternoon before he worked and before I drove people to a pre-Physics cookout. We walked to a soccer game with Princess, who then left to study O-Chem. For part of the end of the game, it was just the two of us, and then he was introducing me to a few of his friends, with whom we walked back to campus. They went their own ways, preparing for the cookout and Physics, and the Ideal and I sat in the lobby reading the newspaper together, until it was time for us to part ways. We didn't expect to be back from post-Physics pie until late, so he asked me if he'd see me on Sunday before I went back.
The cookout was wonderful, Theatre Physics was good [though not as good as last year], and pie was an enjoyable time. Given the number of people we had, we didn't stay nearly as long this year, and thus we made it back in time for Ish and I to head over to the Ideal's room to bother him. Which we did. [Actually, which I did, because...] Ish got there and collapsed in a comfy chair, exhausted and out of it. He and I talked and alternated staring at each other and staring at Ish until we convinced her to go to bed. He walked us downstairs to sign out, and we watched Ish stumble her way toward her room -- not tipsy, just ridiculously tired.
I made some comment about how I supposed I should make sure she didn't fall over whilst attempting to get into her bunk bed. I figured that would be it, but the Ideal surprised me by asking, 'Do you want me to wait for you?' I hesitated, as I was completely not expecting that, and then I left the choice up to him. He waited. I walked, my pace, to Ish's room, where she was just getting in. She couldn't believe he was waiting for me, either, and of course, being us, we had no idea what, if anything, that meant. [Although the thought of him just being a gentleman is not surprising.] Ish insisted she'd be fine, and sent me on my way back to him.
After a little bit more chat with a couple of his friends who'd come down to the lobby, one or the other of us supposed that it was about time that I went home and went to bed. And he walked me to my car. Did I mention not expecting that? The walkway takes us right past Ish's window, where I could see her standing there, her mouth hanging open, and then straining to one side to see where we were going. She, like myself, had no idea what was going on. A gentleman, or is this going somewhere right now? We arrived at my car, a rather short walk, and I was leaning against it as we just stared at each other for a little while before he kissed me -- he gave me a hug, and he kissed me. Then, he thanked me for coming over that night, and re-confirmed that he'd see me Sunday before I left. We said our good nights and went each on our way. [ha! fooled you.] Actually, we arrived at my car, a rather short walk, and I was leaning against it as we just looked at each other for a while before he thanked me for coming over that night, re-confirmed that he'd see me Sunday before I left, and then gave me a good night hug. Or two.
Sunday when I stopped over at his dorm, I brought fresh cookies for him and for a couple other guys on his floor. Not that I hadn't found enough to keep me busy that weekend, but I have this inkling that guys like baked goods. [Anyone want to correct me on that?] Turns out that he had just IM-ed me, asking if I was around, when I showed up at his door. I drove back up to college, and one of the first things he said to me was, 'I was kinda hoping you'd stay :)'. I learned also that, though his weekend couldn't overall have been called 'good', it was a lot better than it would have been had I not been around. [huzzah.]
Did I mention the Ideal had a suicidal semester, what with 4 different languages, and two -- yes, TWO -- classes with my father as a professor? He was overrun with homework and studying constantly, poor guy. [But, I'd like to point out, that he survived, and thrived even. The phrase, 'passing with flying colours' might be applicable. Smart guy.]
Anyway, the next time I saw the Ideal was mid-October, during our fall breaks' beginnings and ends. I arrived home on a Friday evening, and he wasn't leaving until Saturday morning. Princess, Cabbit, Ish, and I watched X-Men 2 with him in his dorm room that evening, and hung out and talked otherwise. Then he headed north to his grandparents' place to go bow hunting. Fall break is a short break for me; even shorter for him. He only had Monday off, so he was back by Monday evening. Princess and Ish were out of town swing dancing with another friend -- I refused to be talked into going. Not my thing. So the Ideal called me, and we went walking around town together for the first part of the evening whilst he described to me the deer he got! We even secured permission to use the grill later for some less-than-24-hour-old fresh venison.
After that, we headed back to his dorm, and hung out for a while before some of our friends there showed up. At this point, he pulled out a fresh apple pie his grandmother had made. It was very good. You may not believe me, but that was the first piece of apple pie I had ever had. I know a lot of people there refused to believe me. We ended the open dorm hours talking and eating apple pie, before the Ideal escorted us downstairs to sign out. A number of us stayed there, talking, until late in the evening, before I finally decided I ought to leave. [I knew if I didn't, they'd stay us well past when they ought, considering they had class the next morning.] I gave good night hugs to my friends, and headed toward the door, only to find the Ideal following me. I assumed he was just heading back into his dorm, but I got suspicious when he followed me out the door.
Turns out that I had missed him in the hugging good night. This was not intentional; I don't think I'm that calculating as to plan situations in which I would get someone alone with me. I'm just not that socially coordinated. I honestly thought I had hugged him good night, probably because I envisioned hugging him good night. Still, it was somewhat bizarre to me that he wanted yet another hug from me, especially as he'd see me in chapel the next morning before I headed back to college. That's another thing about the Ideal. He's not a huge hug person. He doesn't believe in giving people hugs whenever he sees them; the hugs have to mean something, and come much more sparingly. Additionally, at least when he's hugging me, they're rarely quick hugs. They last. Thus, the fact that I get hugs from him nearly every time I see him is rather nice. I certainly enjoy it. So I hugged him good night and sent him back inside from the cold.
Tuesday, after chapel, he intentionally bumped into me -- I say intentionally because he couldn't have not seen me, and his face was covered with a lovely smile -- in any case, Princess informed me that this means he was flirting with me. [[I apparently missed that class in high school; I never know.]] I got one more good-bye hug, and then I headed back to college.
But of course, there's more to the story, which will be continued in Semesterness, Part Three...
He and I arranged to hang out that Saturday afternoon before he worked and before I drove people to a pre-Physics cookout. We walked to a soccer game with Princess, who then left to study O-Chem. For part of the end of the game, it was just the two of us, and then he was introducing me to a few of his friends, with whom we walked back to campus. They went their own ways, preparing for the cookout and Physics, and the Ideal and I sat in the lobby reading the newspaper together, until it was time for us to part ways. We didn't expect to be back from post-Physics pie until late, so he asked me if he'd see me on Sunday before I went back.
The cookout was wonderful, Theatre Physics was good [though not as good as last year], and pie was an enjoyable time. Given the number of people we had, we didn't stay nearly as long this year, and thus we made it back in time for Ish and I to head over to the Ideal's room to bother him. Which we did. [Actually, which I did, because...] Ish got there and collapsed in a comfy chair, exhausted and out of it. He and I talked and alternated staring at each other and staring at Ish until we convinced her to go to bed. He walked us downstairs to sign out, and we watched Ish stumble her way toward her room -- not tipsy, just ridiculously tired.
I made some comment about how I supposed I should make sure she didn't fall over whilst attempting to get into her bunk bed. I figured that would be it, but the Ideal surprised me by asking, 'Do you want me to wait for you?' I hesitated, as I was completely not expecting that, and then I left the choice up to him. He waited. I walked, my pace, to Ish's room, where she was just getting in. She couldn't believe he was waiting for me, either, and of course, being us, we had no idea what, if anything, that meant. [Although the thought of him just being a gentleman is not surprising.] Ish insisted she'd be fine, and sent me on my way back to him.
After a little bit more chat with a couple of his friends who'd come down to the lobby, one or the other of us supposed that it was about time that I went home and went to bed. And he walked me to my car. Did I mention not expecting that? The walkway takes us right past Ish's window, where I could see her standing there, her mouth hanging open, and then straining to one side to see where we were going. She, like myself, had no idea what was going on. A gentleman, or is this going somewhere right now? We arrived at my car, a rather short walk, and I was leaning against it as we just stared at each other for a little while before he kissed me -- he gave me a hug, and he kissed me. Then, he thanked me for coming over that night, and re-confirmed that he'd see me Sunday before I left. We said our good nights and went each on our way. [ha! fooled you.] Actually, we arrived at my car, a rather short walk, and I was leaning against it as we just looked at each other for a while before he thanked me for coming over that night, re-confirmed that he'd see me Sunday before I left, and then gave me a good night hug. Or two.
Sunday when I stopped over at his dorm, I brought fresh cookies for him and for a couple other guys on his floor. Not that I hadn't found enough to keep me busy that weekend, but I have this inkling that guys like baked goods. [Anyone want to correct me on that?] Turns out that he had just IM-ed me, asking if I was around, when I showed up at his door. I drove back up to college, and one of the first things he said to me was, 'I was kinda hoping you'd stay :)'. I learned also that, though his weekend couldn't overall have been called 'good', it was a lot better than it would have been had I not been around. [huzzah.]
Did I mention the Ideal had a suicidal semester, what with 4 different languages, and two -- yes, TWO -- classes with my father as a professor? He was overrun with homework and studying constantly, poor guy. [But, I'd like to point out, that he survived, and thrived even. The phrase, 'passing with flying colours' might be applicable. Smart guy.]
Anyway, the next time I saw the Ideal was mid-October, during our fall breaks' beginnings and ends. I arrived home on a Friday evening, and he wasn't leaving until Saturday morning. Princess, Cabbit, Ish, and I watched X-Men 2 with him in his dorm room that evening, and hung out and talked otherwise. Then he headed north to his grandparents' place to go bow hunting. Fall break is a short break for me; even shorter for him. He only had Monday off, so he was back by Monday evening. Princess and Ish were out of town swing dancing with another friend -- I refused to be talked into going. Not my thing. So the Ideal called me, and we went walking around town together for the first part of the evening whilst he described to me the deer he got! We even secured permission to use the grill later for some less-than-24-hour-old fresh venison.
After that, we headed back to his dorm, and hung out for a while before some of our friends there showed up. At this point, he pulled out a fresh apple pie his grandmother had made. It was very good. You may not believe me, but that was the first piece of apple pie I had ever had. I know a lot of people there refused to believe me. We ended the open dorm hours talking and eating apple pie, before the Ideal escorted us downstairs to sign out. A number of us stayed there, talking, until late in the evening, before I finally decided I ought to leave. [I knew if I didn't, they'd stay us well past when they ought, considering they had class the next morning.] I gave good night hugs to my friends, and headed toward the door, only to find the Ideal following me. I assumed he was just heading back into his dorm, but I got suspicious when he followed me out the door.
Turns out that I had missed him in the hugging good night. This was not intentional; I don't think I'm that calculating as to plan situations in which I would get someone alone with me. I'm just not that socially coordinated. I honestly thought I had hugged him good night, probably because I envisioned hugging him good night. Still, it was somewhat bizarre to me that he wanted yet another hug from me, especially as he'd see me in chapel the next morning before I headed back to college. That's another thing about the Ideal. He's not a huge hug person. He doesn't believe in giving people hugs whenever he sees them; the hugs have to mean something, and come much more sparingly. Additionally, at least when he's hugging me, they're rarely quick hugs. They last. Thus, the fact that I get hugs from him nearly every time I see him is rather nice. I certainly enjoy it. So I hugged him good night and sent him back inside from the cold.
Tuesday, after chapel, he intentionally bumped into me -- I say intentionally because he couldn't have not seen me, and his face was covered with a lovely smile -- in any case, Princess informed me that this means he was flirting with me. [[I apparently missed that class in high school; I never know.]] I got one more good-bye hug, and then I headed back to college.
But of course, there's more to the story, which will be continued in Semesterness, Part Three...
Semesterness, Part One.
I've been "gone" an entire semester. I remember doing homework, living life, and thinking to myself, "I should post about ... oh, wait. I stopped." A lot of my regular haunts seem to be vanishing to brighter, less technologically involved horizons, and that's okay. That's good for them, and I wish them all the best, though I know I'll miss reading them. I thought some more, and decided I didn't want to have completely vanished quite yet... so I came back. Here I am, take me or leave me. [[*And on the note of taking or leaving me, keep in mind that, in the words of my dear auntie Silk, ' [I] do tend to over analyse everything just a tiny bit' which of course means I over analyse quite a lot. I'm sorry. But if you're reading this blog, you might as well just deal with it. ^_-*]]
The day before the 'a bien tot' post, I took a big step -- well, big for me, that is. [My apologies to the emailed blogfamily members, for whom this may be old news.. unless you've forgotten, in which case, welcome along for the ride again.] It was a big step for me, but not the only big step I experienced this semester. More on that to come. This big step also had nothing to do with my decision to stop blogging, for the interim, as it was. The two events just coincided, and that's life. So anyway, my big step.
I told the Ideal that I like him.
I waited until after he was back here, going to college in my hometown. I waited till I was back up at school, myself. Not because I was chicken to tell him to his face; I wanted to tell him, but it just didn't seem right. That last day when he got back here, I helped him unpack his car, and tried to get the key into the storage facility that housed some of his larger things. We set up for the cookout, had the cookout with a number of friends, and did some dishes back at my house. We hung out in his room some more, with Princess as well, waiting for Ish.
Incidentally, it was the Summer of the Ish, and it was wonderful. So wonderful that none of us wanted it to end, and Ish certainly wasn't herself that last night. She was on the verge of hysteria, she was restless, she was about to freak out every second at the thought of not having us around the next day, or the day after, or the one after that. And on and on and on. We went on a walk, all together, and ran through sprinklers, and groped our way through the darkness into the nearby state park, to lie down on the path at a lookout point, watch the stars, and talk. And enjoy all being together, the four of us. Ish and the Ideal walked us back to our house, and said good bye. Multiple times. Time of death was called for the Summer of the Ish.
The Ideal thanked me for helping him keep his sanity all summer. [He helped me save mine, as well, but that's for later.] He and I talked for 1-3 hours, nearly every night this past summer. Almost all of it transpired on msn messenger. There were some phone calls, and Ish and I did make and send him Monster Cookies, which were a big hit. On one of those phone calls, actually ... it was the day before his flight was supposed to leave from California for Wisconsin. He was bored, he was glad I called. We talked for a few hours, on the phone, and somewhere in that conversation, we were talking about how men often need things spelled out them -- how most are not big on catching subtleties. This does not include the Ideal. He said something once about girls being vague, like how this friend of his liked a guy they knew, and the Ideal asked her, "Well did you tell him?" and she said she had, and then the Ideal said, "Wait, wait, WHAT did you tell him?" and she told him what she'd said [which wasn't a direct 'I like you'], and he exclaimed, "You didn't tell him ANYTHING! He doesn't know..." [[Note: This was *the* perfect time to tell the Ideal that I like him.]] We went on to discuss people being scared of putting themselves out on the line, open for the chopping block, like a bunch of chickens. People are scared of it ending up messy, and embarrassing, and painful.
Perfect time, and did I take it? No. I chickened out, because I was seeing him in a week for the cookout and moving in and such, and I didn't want to make it awkward. [Gotta love my optimism about the whole situation, right?] Ish agreed with my decision to wait till I was back up at school. Sometime during the summer, I was teasing her about something he had said about her -- seeing as how he at that point liked her -- and she said, 'I'm just waiting for the two of you to get together.' She was quite surprised when my response was, 'I wouldn't mind that, actually.'
So, back up at school, Wednesday night, our paths finally cross on msn, and he was going to be around long enough for me to tell him. I kept trying to catch him at a good time earlier than that, because I wanted it to be over. I wanted to tell him. I had wanted to for quite some time, and now that he was under no obligation to see me again, it was more than the right time. [Again, love the optimism.]
Here are some excerpts from that conversation:
I reminded him of the phone conversation, and his response was "yes, that was rather amusing" and I added "yes, and also the perfect opportunity for me to mention that I like you, but I didn't then because I didn't want to possibly make saturday awkward, if that makes sense."
ideal: yes it does [make sense]
can i say that i had sort of suspected all along?
{or would that make you angry?}
[I of course figured that if any guy would suspect, it would be him. I don't see what right I would've had to be angry, and I wasn't, and I relayed thus.]
then:
ideal: so... what you're waiting for is a reaction from me....
and I would say that at this point I am feeling pretty much neutral toward you....
if that makes sense. We have talked a lot, but I still don't really feel like I
know you (on account of spending very little time together face to face)...
[makes sense to me, and what I kinda expected to hear, and I told him so]
Ideal: not opposed to a future relationship (if that's what you were thinking), but neither
am I inclined to start anything right now.
sorry, i hate to be so predictable.
[And then someone stopped by his room, and he had to get going to a study group, which was meeting soon, but first:]
amelie: I'm sorry I made things awkward and killed the conversation
Ideal: I seriously just had karl stop by for advice.
it's okay
I'm not freaking out.
amelie: well that's good. I'm not either.
Ideal: also good.
amelie: indeed.
Ideal: one step forward for humanity... when people can act normal and discuss their
feelings
And then he had to get going. And we talked later that night, and on quite a number of other nights since then, and I can't really speak for him, but I don't feel any awkwardness, and I'm inclined to think he doesn't either. In fact, given the subsequent meetings and hangings out, I'm most certain of it.
I'll continue this subject in Semesterness, Part Two...
The day before the 'a bien tot' post, I took a big step -- well, big for me, that is. [My apologies to the emailed blogfamily members, for whom this may be old news.. unless you've forgotten, in which case, welcome along for the ride again.] It was a big step for me, but not the only big step I experienced this semester. More on that to come. This big step also had nothing to do with my decision to stop blogging, for the interim, as it was. The two events just coincided, and that's life. So anyway, my big step.
I told the Ideal that I like him.
I waited until after he was back here, going to college in my hometown. I waited till I was back up at school, myself. Not because I was chicken to tell him to his face; I wanted to tell him, but it just didn't seem right. That last day when he got back here, I helped him unpack his car, and tried to get the key into the storage facility that housed some of his larger things. We set up for the cookout, had the cookout with a number of friends, and did some dishes back at my house. We hung out in his room some more, with Princess as well, waiting for Ish.
Incidentally, it was the Summer of the Ish, and it was wonderful. So wonderful that none of us wanted it to end, and Ish certainly wasn't herself that last night. She was on the verge of hysteria, she was restless, she was about to freak out every second at the thought of not having us around the next day, or the day after, or the one after that. And on and on and on. We went on a walk, all together, and ran through sprinklers, and groped our way through the darkness into the nearby state park, to lie down on the path at a lookout point, watch the stars, and talk. And enjoy all being together, the four of us. Ish and the Ideal walked us back to our house, and said good bye. Multiple times. Time of death was called for the Summer of the Ish.
The Ideal thanked me for helping him keep his sanity all summer. [He helped me save mine, as well, but that's for later.] He and I talked for 1-3 hours, nearly every night this past summer. Almost all of it transpired on msn messenger. There were some phone calls, and Ish and I did make and send him Monster Cookies, which were a big hit. On one of those phone calls, actually ... it was the day before his flight was supposed to leave from California for Wisconsin. He was bored, he was glad I called. We talked for a few hours, on the phone, and somewhere in that conversation, we were talking about how men often need things spelled out them -- how most are not big on catching subtleties. This does not include the Ideal. He said something once about girls being vague, like how this friend of his liked a guy they knew, and the Ideal asked her, "Well did you tell him?" and she said she had, and then the Ideal said, "Wait, wait, WHAT did you tell him?" and she told him what she'd said [which wasn't a direct 'I like you'], and he exclaimed, "You didn't tell him ANYTHING! He doesn't know..." [[Note: This was *the* perfect time to tell the Ideal that I like him.]] We went on to discuss people being scared of putting themselves out on the line, open for the chopping block, like a bunch of chickens. People are scared of it ending up messy, and embarrassing, and painful.
Perfect time, and did I take it? No. I chickened out, because I was seeing him in a week for the cookout and moving in and such, and I didn't want to make it awkward. [Gotta love my optimism about the whole situation, right?] Ish agreed with my decision to wait till I was back up at school. Sometime during the summer, I was teasing her about something he had said about her -- seeing as how he at that point liked her -- and she said, 'I'm just waiting for the two of you to get together.' She was quite surprised when my response was, 'I wouldn't mind that, actually.'
So, back up at school, Wednesday night, our paths finally cross on msn, and he was going to be around long enough for me to tell him. I kept trying to catch him at a good time earlier than that, because I wanted it to be over. I wanted to tell him. I had wanted to for quite some time, and now that he was under no obligation to see me again, it was more than the right time. [Again, love the optimism.]
Here are some excerpts from that conversation:
I reminded him of the phone conversation, and his response was "yes, that was rather amusing" and I added "yes, and also the perfect opportunity for me to mention that I like you, but I didn't then because I didn't want to possibly make saturday awkward, if that makes sense."
ideal: yes it does [make sense]
can i say that i had sort of suspected all along?
{or would that make you angry?}
[I of course figured that if any guy would suspect, it would be him. I don't see what right I would've had to be angry, and I wasn't, and I relayed thus.]
then:
ideal: so... what you're waiting for is a reaction from me....
and I would say that at this point I am feeling pretty much neutral toward you....
if that makes sense. We have talked a lot, but I still don't really feel like I
know you (on account of spending very little time together face to face)...
[makes sense to me, and what I kinda expected to hear, and I told him so]
Ideal: not opposed to a future relationship (if that's what you were thinking), but neither
am I inclined to start anything right now.
sorry, i hate to be so predictable.
[And then someone stopped by his room, and he had to get going to a study group, which was meeting soon, but first:]
amelie: I'm sorry I made things awkward and killed the conversation
Ideal: I seriously just had karl stop by for advice.
it's okay
I'm not freaking out.
amelie: well that's good. I'm not either.
Ideal: also good.
amelie: indeed.
Ideal: one step forward for humanity... when people can act normal and discuss their
feelings
And then he had to get going. And we talked later that night, and on quite a number of other nights since then, and I can't really speak for him, but I don't feel any awkwardness, and I'm inclined to think he doesn't either. In fact, given the subsequent meetings and hangings out, I'm most certain of it.
I'll continue this subject in Semesterness, Part Two...
09 January, 2007
bear with me...
I've been working on typing up a post of elephantasmical proportions about at least one aspect of this past semester, but this has been interrupted by work, and by a trip to Madison from which I returned ... yesterday. So, understand that I do mean to post more often, but I have a lot of information to convey, and compiling it is going to continue to take some time. Just know that I'm working on it...
04 January, 2007
an analysis of me?
| Your Five Factor Personality Profile |
 Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue. |
01 January, 2007
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