an e-mail i received an hour ago:
"Ame,
"This might blind-side you a bit, but it's something that's been on my mind for a while and is being forced to the front more and more urgently. Pardon the e-mail, but I wanted to try to choose my words wisely... I rather doubt it worked, but it was worth a shot.
"The last time we talked, you were inquiring about coming down to visit me sometime, and I said I was just too busy for that. That's true, but things are more complicated than that. I'm sure you've noticed, but lately I've been distancing myself from you. What you wouldn't know is that I've been distancing myself from all of my female friends. Most of them, I think, have sort of expected it and understand, many of them are friendships that have been dying for some time. But some of them just don't seem to get the significance of the fact that I'm getting married in less than a month. I've had a couple conversations trying to explain things, and they have not gone well, but that doesn't matter. The fact remains that I'm getting married.
"[Fiancee] is the love of my life. She's the one I go to for everything and anything. She is the very last person that I would want to hurt in any kind of way. She's my one and only. I have no business running around with another girl, whether it's hanging out for a weekend or just an afternoon. Not because she's jealous, not because she doesn't trust me, and not because she doesn't trust you. Simply because I cherish and respect her too much to ever give her even the shadow of a doubt about my faithfulness. I've had a number of female friends through high school and college, and I have no regrets about that. They've all helped to make me who I am today. But I really can't be keeping other females as my close friends anymore. Married life is challenging enough. I can't let something so simple and so foolish come between [Fiancee] and I as the fact that my friends are potentially a threat to her. I'm not saying that she wouldn't understand that we're just friends. I'm saying that I'm not even going to ask her to understand. She shouldn't have to. I know how I'd feel if she were running around with a bunch of guys all the time even though I love her with all my heart and trust her completely, and I refuse to put her through that. Spending a day with a girl other than [Fiancee] is uncomfortable for me and completely inappropriate for my situation, and I can only imagine how uncomfortable it would be for her.
"As I mentioned above, you are not the only one with whom I've run into this. I don't mean to be unkind, but I have to make sure you understand. It's just plain not right for a (almost) married man to be spending his time with other girls. I'm not going to pretend you don't exist and I'm not going to refuse to socialize when the opportunity presents itself, but I'm not going to try to keep a deep and important relationship going. I can't be on the phone with girls all the time , and I can't be opening my e-mail to a whole list of messages from other girls. That's just the way it is. My place is with the guys. That's a change that started a bit before I met [Fiancee] for various reasons, and as my relationship with [Fiancee] grew, my friendships with other girls waned even more. They had to in order for me to continue to draw closer to [Fiancee], and now that our hearts are joining as one, there just isn't room for relationships with other girls both for my sake and for [Fiancee]'s.
"I know this is probably coming out of nowhere, and I know this is probably the last thing you wanted to hear. For that, I am sorry. I don't want to burn any bridges or cause unnecessary hurt, but I need to be clear: I'm getting married. My heart, my time, my talents, and my self, are now hers as much as mine, and that needs to be evident beyond any doubt to everyone, and most importantly, to [Fiancee].
"Thank you for understanding.
God bless you richly,
the Ideal"
02 July, 2008
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8 comments:
That is the stupidest email received by any person on the planet EVER! I am amazed that a man with open mind and kind heart could be so closed, and juvenile.
This is not a slight on the person writing the email but the sorry state of his view of the world.
I have an incredible amount of ranting I very much wish to part take in, but I shall refrain. All I want to know is what on earth is he going to do should the dearly beloved find a male friend?
He shall miss out on all that the female of the species could offer him. We are not all legs boobs and sex. Especially you my dear.
I am to say one final thing....
Disappointed.
Pathetic.
What kind of life, or marriage, is he getting into where he feels that he cannot be friends with the opposite sex? Does this mean that she'll be giving up her male friends? And what if he talks to a female at work? Will that count as an infidelity?
Based upon that email, one can only assume that he's far too young, and immature, to be getting married. It certainly doesn't say much about the security of their relationship.
I have some very good female friends. I continue to make female friends and I enjoy their company. Some may even be coming to the Silken nuptials next year.
Someone with such a naive outlook and approach to love, life and relationships has absolutely no place in your life. I trust you've emailed him back with a suitably scathing and withering response, and have left him in no doubt as to how disappointed you are in his lack of backbone.
That's my considered response.
My unconsidered response is that he's an arsehole. He needs to grow up and you're better off without him.
Feel free to mail either one of us, though Alexis may be calmer than me. Take care..
contrary to the two previous posters I believe you should try to understand him. he is not only marrying his love, but his best friend. It is only natural that he wants to spend most of his spare time with her now and that he wishes her to feel the same. he just won't have as much time for other people anymore and does not want to have her doubt his priorities. you should respect that and honestly consider what you would prefer from your fiancee.
having read your last few posts having the "ideal" label, his decision to distance himself can be considered wise. as nietzsche has put it: "A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy."
cheer up, it might be better the way he wants it. for the time being, that is.
Respectfully, there is a difference between altering your priorities, which Amelie is mature enough to understand, and cutting off half of your life.
From one person who is soon to be married, I believe love does not survive in a vacuum. Is the new happy couple to have no mutual friends, how can they if they are not to bond with members of the opposite sex?
If the lovely lady doubts his priorities, perhaps they have problems before they even begin. No relationship is perfect (except mine ;) ) but there has to be something tha binds besides a degree of isolation, even if only from a practical stand point.
I know someone who thinks like this - no female friends and so on. Rather odd but best you know where you stand and what you are dealing with.
Yeah, what Silk said.
- fa
I don't understand how anyone can expect to have a rich and full life if the only person they interact with is their spouse. In my opinion, everyone has interests that their spouse (or ‘significant other’) finds mind-numbing, this is where friends come in, to share these interests with. Then you can spend time with your ‘SO’ or spouse without one of you being bored to death.
It seems this young man has a simplistic idea of what makes a relationship strong, unfortunately life is seldom that simple.
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