for a breath i tarry

just in case anyone has been curious.

2009-05-06T13:39:00.001-05:00

for all practical purposes, essentially done with college. three papers and a presentation stand between my receiving the diploma, in just a week and a half. it's been a fun, full ride.

torn.

2008-09-27T23:57:00.002-05:00

over this whole grad school thing. I'm not sure that I'll be doing it, come this time next year. The way this semester is going, I'm surprised sometimes that I have time to breathe -- but then, I never was one for that silly 'senior slide' notion. Anyway, I'm still considering doing grad school next year, and if not then, perhaps in a year or two after graduation, so that I will have had a feel for teaching high school mathe. I've already taught a few lessons in practicum -- I'm loving it thus far -- but that's one unique thing at one school, and it might be different when I student teach all spring or when I *gulp* find a job to teach after graduation. Who knows? perhaps I'll get sick of high school level mathe. and miss research so much that I decide I need to go back.

I'm still trying to figure out if grad school is something that I want to do, or something that [seemingly] everyone else wants and expects me to do. I know I'm not a selfless, altruistic martyr, but truly and honestly, I am so used to doing what is expected of me that I'm having a very hard time figuring this out. I also know that, pretty much for the first time with a major decision, either way I go, someone or another is going to be disappointed in me over it, which bothers me. Oh, and thanks in advance, I know I 'shouldn't care what other people think,' and I should 'just do what [I] want to do, and forget the rest of them,' but as I've just explained, I don't know what [I want to do] is, and, beneath the ever-sarcastic thick surface, I'm apparently secretly much too nice of a person [to forget the rest of them]. Sorry, that's just the standard line everyone throws at me over this. I do appreciate feedback, but that's just one line I'm tiring of.

Hopefully I'll figure this whole thing out soon, and then we can go back to blog entries about .. hmm. fiction? drawings? poems? random facts about me? I don't know; I'll try to think of something for the next time I take the liberty of time between homeworks.

news tidbits

2008-09-08T14:51:00.003-05:00

1. the Ideal's wedding: I don't think his parents know that he and I can't be friends anymore. However, I was the only person his dad hugged whilst welcoming people into the church before the ceremony. After the reception, both his mom and dad expressed how happy they were that I could make it, and said they hoped I'd visit so that they'd see me soon. I also got to talk with the Ideal during the reception. Anyone who thought his wife having issues was behind it all, give yourself 5 points. He said that maybe after things calmed down after the wedding, and she felt secure in married life, that we could perhaps be in contact again. But it will never be the same. [[And I'm a little disjointed over not having the option of being a friend of the *couple*, but.. ]] Life goes on.

2. I donated my hair. First short haircut since I was 8. [[21 now...]] First time my hair is shorter than Princess' hair. First time I've had my hair professionally cut. I had literally no idea what I was doing. They kept asking what I wanted like I actually knew. I left it in their hands. [[Just short of chin length, for the curious. And the blogmother thinks it looks good.]]

3. I'm in my senior year of college. I'm in the Secondary Education program this year. Three days a week, I drive an hour away to do practicum in a senior high school. My teacher there has 2 blocks of PreCalc and 1 of Problem Solving Algebra for Freshman. I'm having a blast there -- helping students, correcting, monitoring halls, etc. -- and I'll be teaching a mini lesson next week. Fun! In October, I present my research work [again] at a Math Conference; this time, one in Minnesota. In December, I wrap up my mathe degree with my Senior Seminar presentation and paper. During spring semester, I'll be student teaching, most likely in the Twin Cities. Then, I graduate. And then?

4. ...Grad school?

--eek!

[[any advice, ideae, or suggestions welcome.]]

never could get the hang of wednesdays...

2008-07-02T20:59:00.002-05:00

an e-mail i received an hour ago:

"Ame,

"This might blind-side you a bit, but it's something that's been on my mind for a while and is being forced to the front more and more urgently. Pardon the e-mail, but I wanted to try to choose my words wisely... I rather doubt it worked, but it was worth a shot.

"The last time we talked, you were inquiring about coming down to visit me sometime, and I said I was just too busy for that. That's true, but things are more complicated than that. I'm sure you've noticed, but lately I've been distancing myself from you. What you wouldn't know is that I've been distancing myself from all of my female friends. Most of them, I think, have sort of expected it and understand, many of them are friendships that have been dying for some time. But some of them just don't seem to get the significance of the fact that I'm getting married in less than a month. I've had a couple conversations trying to explain things, and they have not gone well, but that doesn't matter. The fact remains that I'm getting married.

"[Fiancee] is the love of my life. She's the one I go to for everything and anything. She is the very last person that I would want to hurt in any kind of way. She's my one and only. I have no business running around with another girl, whether it's hanging out for a weekend or just an afternoon. Not because she's jealous, not because she doesn't trust me, and not because she doesn't trust you. Simply because I cherish and respect her too much to ever give her even the shadow of a doubt about my faithfulness. I've had a number of female friends through high school and college, and I have no regrets about that. They've all helped to make me who I am today. But I really can't be keeping other females as my close friends anymore. Married life is challenging enough. I can't let something so simple and so foolish come between [Fiancee] and I as the fact that my friends are potentially a threat to her. I'm not saying that she wouldn't understand that we're just friends. I'm saying that I'm not even going to ask her to understand. She shouldn't have to. I know how I'd feel if she were running around with a bunch of guys all the time even though I love her with all my heart and trust her completely, and I refuse to put her through that. Spending a day with a girl other than [Fiancee] is uncomfortable for me and completely inappropriate for my situation, and I can only imagine how uncomfortable it would be for her.

"As I mentioned above, you are not the only one with whom I've run into this. I don't mean to be unkind, but I have to make sure you understand. It's just plain not right for a (almost) married man to be spending his time with other girls. I'm not going to pretend you don't exist and I'm not going to refuse to socialize when the opportunity presents itself, but I'm not going to try to keep a deep and important relationship going. I can't be on the phone with girls all the time , and I can't be opening my e-mail to a whole list of messages from other girls. That's just the way it is. My place is with the guys. That's a change that started a bit before I met [Fiancee] for various reasons, and as my relationship with [Fiancee] grew, my friendships with other girls waned even more. They had to in order for me to continue to draw closer to [Fiancee], and now that our hearts are joining as one, there just isn't room for relationships with other girls both for my sake and for [Fiancee]'s.

"I know this is probably coming out of nowhere, and I know this is probably the last thing you wanted to hear. For that, I am sorry. I don't want to burn any bridges or cause unnecessary hurt, but I need to be clear: I'm getting married. My heart, my time, my talents, and my self, are now hers as much as mine, and that needs to be evident beyond any doubt to everyone, and most importantly, to [Fiancee].

"Thank you for understanding.
God bless you richly,
the Ideal"

10 Things You May Not Have Known About Me XXXI

2008-06-06T16:05:00.003-05:00

[[haven't done one of these in a while, have i...]]

1. I haven't remembered a dream since age 7.
2. In that dream, there was a giant basilisk in my grade school [think Harry Potter, but before Harry Potter. also, I didn't know the term basilisk then; but it applies].
3. Once every 3 years or so, I wake up with the sensation that I'm falling, but otherwise, I remember nothing.
4. Early yesterday morning [4.30 a.m.?] I woke up remembering a dream.
5. This dream didn't have any unrealistic indicators of slumber in it; there was nothing weird about it. It was like everyday life. And really, any dreams from before the basilisk one were realistic in quality as well.
6. In that most recent dream, I was going about my day and the news was delivered to me to get home as soon as possible. And then I was told that my dad had died.
7. Imagine the grief.
8. Then wake up and experience it -- the overwhelming emotion of it all, sweeping over you, drowning you, keeping you wide awake...
9. Finally, I got up for work around 6.00 a.m., and felt infinite relief and happiness as I saw my dad, sleeping on the couch [not in trouble with my mom, just dealing with allergy problems], and as I heard him snoring now and again whilst I washed my hair, ate breakfast, etc.
10. Some people might tell me I'm missing out on having wonderful dreams. I think I'm much happier as I am, without ever remembering them.

from postsecret

2008-05-06T15:49:00.003-05:00

----Email Message-----
Sent: Monday, May 05, 2008 2:19 AM
Subject: intellectual woman

As an intellectual (and heterosexual) man, I'm more and more afraid I'll have to give up finding you- speak up! I'm looking and looking as best as I can, but I'm not seeing you right off....

squee!...

2008-04-27T23:09:00.002-05:00

Guess who leaves for California on Friday, in order to give a talk at a Math Conference Special Session in her research area?

...just a little bit 'scurred'...

In other news, it's the last two weeks of classes before finals. Originally, I thought I'd get home Thursday of finals week, and get to hang out with the Ideal, Ish, etc. for about a day before they all graduate on Saturday. However, there's the small matter of an Awards ceremony up here at college that Friday night of finals week, recognizing 2007-2008 Scholars of the College, that's putting a crimp in those plans...

bad news comes in how many...?

2008-04-08T23:00:00.002-05:00

Some of you may recall these posts about my uncle Mick. Mick and M.[[his wife, my aunt]] were actually around Minnesota a lot this past summer, so that Mick could get chemo and radiation treatment at Mayo clinic for his stomach cancer. They're usually in Michigan, so you can imagine how much my g-ma, as well as my cousins [[two of their daughters, and their families / significant others]] enjoyed having them nearby, as did the rest of us.

When the school year started, they were back to Saginaw so M. could teach. Mick still had regular appointments with his oncologists, and treatments, and tests. We've heard some good reports and some bad reports these last few months.

Today, we heard from Mick. He had a meeting with his oncologist. At the last meeting, we learned the cancer had not spread to his liver, thankfully, although his continued drastic weight loss is still a problem.

At this most recent meeting, we learned that the cancer has for certain spread to his pelvic region. Mick and M. asked if anything could be done. His oncologist mentioned something experimental, that not only wasn't guaranteed to work, he couldn't suggest that it would prolong life at all.

His oncologist estimates that he has 2 months to live, maybe less.

And all this just 2-2.5 months after Hope, his younger sister, passed away...

what i do during classes: junior year edition

2008-03-13T16:08:00.001-05:00

yay

2008-03-10T20:02:00.000-05:00

for a root canal tomorrow..

slowly but surely

2008-02-26T18:49:00.002-06:00

internally [[well, not so internally anymore, i guess]] freaking out over my senior seminar. so far, it's been narrowed down to 'related to the research i'm doing with my professor.' beyond that? not a clue. and that scares the Type A in me.

a lot.

Concerning the recent events of Ish and Cap'n Jack

2008-02-22T13:55:00.002-06:00

This is one of the reasons why I never agreed with Ish's opinion that the Ideal and my situation was exactly like her experience with Cap'n Jack -- the Ideal and I don't do drama. We never dated, we never had any of their issues, and we're. actually. still. friends. [[and really good friends, at that.]] Cap'n Jack and Ish broke up close to two years ago. And they still can't communicate / handle each other. Any attempt by the one to bring about friendship with the other results in *DRAMA* in a rather big, pathetic way. Thank God neither the Ideal nor I are like that.

this makes me so incredibly sad.

2008-02-19T13:11:00.002-06:00

i found it on commonties.com.

requiescat in pacem

2008-02-04T12:55:00.000-06:00

Hope.
1953-2008.
no longer suffering; taken home to heaven Sunday morning.

a how-to guide to life: submissions wanted

2008-01-31T12:17:00.000-06:00

how do you say good-bye to someone, for life?
as in,
what do you say to someone who's dying, and fast?

the ideal...

2008-01-02T15:14:00.000-06:00

status: engaged.

A Couple More Things that begin with the letter 'P'

2007-12-05T17:57:00.001-06:00

Postal -- as in the service.
and... Package!

Imagine my surprise and delight, upon checking my mailbox this morning, and finding a package slip that resulted in this display of festivity: So I'd like to say a huge thank you to my beloved blogmom for these! [[And she calls to mind a few more P's... Precious, Pretty, Priceless, Practically Perfect in every way, ...]]

Delicious! Thank you again; you completely and utterly made my day. Happy Christmas, Christina, and God bless.

Love and hugs,
da blogdaughter.

Things that begin with the letter 'P' [[and other reasons fa wanted me to post]]

2007-12-04T11:35:00.000-06:00

1. Pinwheel cookies.
2. Papers -- for Discrete, for Analysis, for Speech, for Research.
3. Presentations -- for Speech (2), for Discrete, for Research.
4. Projects -- for Geometry, for Research, for Discrete.
5. Posters -- for Research.
6. Problems for homework -- for Discrete (2), for Analysis, for Geometry.
7. Phinals -- for Geometry (take-home), for Discrete, for Analysis. [[forgive the alternate spelling for the list's sake.]]
8. Putnam -- as in, I took it this past Saturday. I'm still brain-dead from it.

stress doesn't begin with a 'P', but stressed is what I am ... what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

what i learned in math class today...

2007-11-05T16:33:00.000-06:00

professor quotation: 'learning all this stuff just for the exam is like dating just for the sex... that's my favourite analogy.'

California

2007-11-05T16:06:00.000-06:00

It's official; I'm going to San Diego in January, to that math conference. My abstract was accepted for the student poster section. I've made plane and hostel arrangements.

Also, in case anyone was concerned, my sister is going to come with me. We'll go to the zoo, see some sights, and attend to my mathy-ness. In addition, two of my professors are going; my research advisor, and the math coordinator. The latter has already asked that Princess and I reserve an evening to dine with her -- her treat. The former, upon hearing he'd been beat, asked for another night, saying he'd bring along some of his research team. It should prove to be a good time.

a taste of my monday, as per an amusing conversation on tuesday

2007-10-17T16:43:00.000-05:00

the ideal: I won't be on long... but how are you?
ame: better than yesterday
how are you?
the ideal: better than yesterday
you first
ame: i woke up at 5 am with cramps that lasted till i went to bed last night. i wanted to die.
your turn
the ideal: may have failed a fine arts quiz, 50% on a German quiz, got hit by a homework dump truck, class for 7 hours, work for 4
you win, by the way

...
for the record, i'm better now. [[also, perhaps unsurprisingly, i thought his monday sounded just as bad.]]

much more important than the emotional baggage i usually leave around here...

2007-10-03T23:18:00.000-05:00

This year, I'm doing research with a math professor, my adviser. He introduced me to the material, and then gave me about 6 problems, saying he hoped we'd have one of them done by sometime in spring. He disproved one conjecture and immediately replaced it with something else. Of the revised list of six, we've finished three, and are working on more. [[He keeps alternating between being happy about progress and worried about running out of problems.]] Personally, on one note, I've proved a corollary to a theorem of his, which felt pretty darn cool. At some point, I should write more about the research on here. I've done more than just that.

Given the amount of progress, my prof. brought up the subject of math conferences. He had been thinking we'd get to one in the spring, where I'd present, but now he's thinking about as early as this month. He did a bit more checking, and discovered three or four possible conferences this year. The one he's pushing for the most? The National Joint AMS-MAA Conference in San Diego, 6-9 January. [[That's right. California.]] There, I'd probably be displaying a poster of my research, not giving a talk, but I'd get to meet his fellow research group members, who work/teach in California, and I'd get to hear any of a number of Big Math Talks. Because, yes, I'm a geek like that, and I've heard all around how students don't often get to national conferences, and any chance offered should probably be taken.

There's one MAA option in Minnesota this October, and there's one MAA option in April, again in Minnesota. MAA conferences are more focused on teaching; AMS conferences are more focused on research, so he was quick to point out that there's an AMS conference in May in Claremont, CA, where his research group might get to present a whole section of talks on their resarch focus [[in which case, if I attend, I'll get to present along with the woman from whose masters thesis I was working -- *gulp*]]. The last isn't set in stone yet, however -- they may not get a slot for the series of talks -- and it is right before finals.

I'm currently thinking of going to the national conference. In San Diego, California. I've never been west of Minnesota. I've never been on a plane.
Any input? Anyone??

descriptions.

2007-10-01T17:54:00.000-05:00

she's about 5'6" (ish), grey/blue eyes, long blond hair. Slender build. Dresses "girly" but in a modest way....
she's sweet, caring, has a bit of a stubborn streak
a mix of introvert and extrovert
she's smarter than she gives herself credit for...

i love todays

2007-09-20T09:47:00.000-05:00

Few things could beat a kind of day like today. Today is one of those days where I don't have anything until my research meeting with my professor at 3. So, naturally, I got up at 6 -- or at least, I woke up at 6. A storm was brewing, and I lay there for nearly an hour, listening to the thunder, and the rain, the noise fading in and out as it moved away from us and the next segment came in.

At 7, I got up and did my laundry. Done by 9. Now I'm just waiting for the flatmates to head off to class so I can shower without having to worry about them needing the bathroom. The storm is still going strong -- my roommate so desperately wants class to be canceled -- and every time I hear another peal, or the strong downpour of rain, I grin. I can't help myself.

Now, to shower and research -- and packing for going home for the weekend...

well-deserved

2007-09-18T17:39:00.000-05:00

My family doesn't watch a lot of regular TV shows. Mostly, it's movies -- whether on TV, or put in by us -- or the classical music channels. Within the past year or two, I introduced House into the family; that's a regular one now. My mom occasionally puts on CSI whilst correcting. As far as mainstays go, 60 Minutes has always been watched, every Sunday. [[We get mad, actually, when football games are still on, impeding the viewing of 60 Minutes.]] The only other regular hit in our living room was Law & Order. Personally, I can't watch it anymore, unless it's a rerun, because my dose of Law & Order requires Jerry Orbach. Can't and won't have it any other way. I think he's grand, for so many reasons. Thus, it warms the cockles of my heart to see this.

an ideal summer

2007-09-05T07:39:00.000-05:00

It's been a while, hasn't it. Summer's over, and school's started again, and I haven't bothered to post during all of that 'spare' time. To pick up where we left off, I heard from the Ideal less than a week after we said goodbye. In fact, largely, the interval between communications for this summer rarely exceeded a week, for which I am very grateful. It didn't really give him a chance to miss me, as we were discussing just the other day, but it was still good.

June came and went. We had our family vacation to the lake at the end of it, which was quite pleasant, but different without my late great uncle. I had the distinct privilege of surviving driving my g-ma back to Minnesota alone for that trip. I love her, but she can't stop talking to save her life, and she's rather loud. Still, I heard some very interesting stories around hours 5 and 6 of the drive.

Shortly thereafter, Princess, the parentals, and I were headed back to Wisconsin around 7 July for a two-day excursion to our former hometown. My brother drove from Milwaukee and met us there. Dad was preaching at our old church for their Mission Festival, and it was the perfect time to get back and see people/places. I got to see Moses and a couple other friends; we played croquet in the woods. Deutsch took our family out to eat, and that was absolutely wonderful. Deutsch is a retired professor who is a good family friend, and he's got a great sense of humour that he's not afraid to share. The next morning was filled with church services. I mentioned to Mom how I hoped we'd see Mrs. E, another family friend whose husband had passed away a year ago [[Dad was a pallbearer]], at the church, and so Mom promptly turned and took us to Mrs. E's house, where we picked her up for church. She was delighted to sit with us.

We pull up to the church, and whom should I see walking down the street but the Ideal and his parents. He and I had discussed them coming, and as far as I had known, they were planning on it, but I hadn't been able to reach him the night before to check on it. Nevertheless, here they were. He introduced Princess and I to his parents, who are very nice, and then talked with me before the service started. When first service let out, he then met Deutsch, which was quite amusing. The service was really very good, and afterward, we had more time to talk to him and his parents, except for Mom, who kept having old friends show up and recognize her. [[Princess and I are a bit harder to recognize, as we look somewhat different than when we were 8 years old.]] Our conversation was cut short, however, as the Ideal's Mother needed to get to the airport to fly to Alaska to be with the Ideal's Sister for her second -- yes, second -- tonsillectomy. [[Long story.]]

Overall, it was a delightful weekend in Wisconsin, however short it was. [[We were technically in the hometown for just 24 hours.]] When I talked to the Ideal on msn next, we both expressed how much we'd enjoyed seeing each other that weekend, and he said he'd hoped we weren't leaving right after the service, as we could've hung out a bit, but IM needing to get to the airport threw a monkey wrench into the works. I then asked him what he was doing the weekend of 21 July. He was free, with the possibilty of some work Saturday morning, so I asked him, 'Want to hang out?' He asked, incredulously, 'Where will you be?'

Since I was a bridesmaid in Moses and A' 's wedding, I figured I ought to make it to a bridal shower. There was one in Minnesota, actually, but it was the weekend I was in Wisconsin for Dad's preaching. The other bridal shower was going to be that Friday night, about an hour from where he lives, which means I had the option of just leaving for Minnesota Saturday morning or heading east to hang out with him. Clearly, a tough call. He needed to check on some things first, but he was pretty sure it would work, and thought I could probably stay with them if I needed a place, maybe.

Because it was a maybe, I called my brother and asked about staying with him and our great aunt, which was of course a yes. Then I tried getting a hold of the Ideal to make sure he remembered, to make sure it would still work, and to see if I could go to church with his family -- I figured since he went to my old church, I'd like to see his church, about which I've heard so much. When I finally got in touch with him, he said yes, and yes though he had to work that Saturday morning. I was informed I could stay with them, but I told him I'd already made arrangements just in case [[plus I didn't want to be presumptuous]]. He said he planned on our going canoeing that Saturday afternoon, and yes, I could go to church with them, but ... after church, there was a luncheon at his grandma's house to celebrate his great-grandpa's birthday, and he didn't know if I could come, because 'for other large family gatherings, when cousins have brought their girlfriends or boyfriends, and then the family has discovered they don't like them, so it was limited to fiance[e]s, at which point I very bemusedly interjected, 'Honey, we're not even dating.' To which he said, 'I know, we're just friends, which is why I think it will work.' Which, when you think about it, is a kind of odd way to say all that. [[I told this exchange to the girls at work, who told me I should've asked if that was a proposal, instead. Cap'n Jack told me I should've said what I did but with a 'yet' tacked on the end.]] Then I got directions from him to his house, except I had no paper and no writing utensils, so I just listened to him give me directions for five minutes, and then figured I'd see how much I remembered. I don't often get lost, and I'm pretty good with directions, but when he heard that I didn't write them down and that I'd be coming from my great aunt's house, not the interstate, he emailed me different directions, which I printed off and sealed in an envelope. Just to see if I could do it.

That Friday morning, my mom and I baked some cookies before I left; some were for my brother and great aunt, and I asked if I could drop some off for Deutsch in the former hometown [[we always used to bake him cookies]]. My mom even gave me a bag for the Ideal and his family. Talking with Deutsch was entertaining, and whilst he was a bit surprised to see me, he seemed to enjoy it. When he heard why I was around, and what my plans were for the weekend, he remembered having met the Ideal, and asked if the Ideal was on my list of potentials. [[I love the way he puts things; it cracks me up.]] When I said I thought it was that he was on mine, but I wasn't necessarily on his, Deutsch proceeded to give me relationship advice, from what he's heard of relationships -- he's a confirmed old bachelor. Hilarious.

The bridal shower was a good time, though too girly for my taste [[go figure]] and full of people / stories I didn't know, but it was wonderful getting to see A' again, and meeting her family before the wedding was a good thing, too. I gave A' a ride back to Milwaukee the next morning, and then made my way to the great aunt's house. From there, I took my brother and our great aunt out to lunch. Just as we walk into the restaurant, the Ideal calls me to tell me he's done with work, but could he have an hour or so to get home from work, shower, and whatnot before I attempted to find his house and show up there? Perfect timing, that.

I left the great aunt's house and found my way to his, without any difficulty whatsoever. And we talked, the two of us, and his parents, off and on. Eventually, we loaded up the canoe and the motor boat, along with sunscreen and some fishing equipment, and headed off to a nearby lake. My license had expired, since I didn't know at the time of purchase that I'd be back on a lake in a month's time. But the three of them were able to fish, and I didn't mind being the only one not doing so. We paddled the canoe around the lake and through a channel into another lake, and we sat and talked whilst he fished [[we caught a good bass]], and I paddled us out of lily pads when we drifted too much from the wind. It was perfect weather for us to be out there, and we were both in excellent moods. He's stronger than I am, so he was strong-arming me as we were paddling, but neither of us had really done it before [[or it had been entirely too long]] so we worked out a system together that worked quite well for us.

I was invited to supper, so we grilled venison steaks and fruit-and-vegetable kebabs and baked potatoes. delicious. I tried pineapple. His mom and I did the dishes whilst he and his dad cleaned the fish [6 or so good-sized fish] that had been caught that afternoon. Then we all talked for a while until his parents headed off to shower or to bed. He and I stayed up talking for a good deal longer [[ 11.30? 11.45?]]. Really good conversation. Then I decided I ought to head back to the great aunt's. -- In conclusion for this weekend / future reference, I ought to just stay at his family's house. They offered that I could stay there that night, not knowing if I had accommodations lined up, and since I was there so late and would be back early in the morning for church, it would've made a lot more sense. Anywhen, I got my good night hug, and he watched out the door until I not only made it to my car across the street, but had opened it, got in, started it, and turned around. [[aww. protective.]]

The next morning when I showed up ready for church, I could tell he was still in a good mood: I rang the doorbell, and the cat came up to the window and meowed at me, and I was rubbing its head through the screen, and I hear the Ideal say, 'Well, come on, Kitty, let her in.' He still needed to get dressed, but had me make myself at home. I played with the cat and played piano. Then I had him drive my car to the church, as he knew where he was going [[and whatever he did to the seat, it doesn't give me lower back pain anymore! huzzah]]. We had teen bible study first, and then the service. His parents had gone to the earlier service [[his mom had to sing in the choir]], so it was just the two of us. He did the whole letting me into the pew first thing, and really, the entire weekend, he was just really great. He was courteous, he was teasing me, he was in a good mood the whole time, and, well, he was adorable.

As for lunch, apparently there was no problem with my coming along to this [[his mom told me it's more of a point at Christmas and such, because there aren't presents from the family for such people and so forth]] and so I was invited. So in addition to getting to know his parents a lot better, I met his grandma, three aunts, three uncles, and an assortment of cousins. When we got there after church, people were already eating, and there was a chorus of 'Hi, Ideal and Ideal's friend!' and other such greetings. His parents asked if we wanted to change clothing and then eat, or vice versa, and he deferred to me, and when I said I'd like to change first, one of his aunts, bless her, said, 'Oh, but you look so pretty!' I hadn't even met her yet, and I already liked her. I got along really well with the relatives in the kitchen with whom I was talking, and when I thanked his grandma for the meal, she said I was welcome back anytime. [[And yeah, I suppose that is a thing grandmas always say, but she wouldn't have had to say it, and she did.]]

Afterwards, they took me to my first county fair, and we wandered around, looking at exhibits and things. We saw some antique tractors, which made us want to take a picture for our friend Keys who loves tractors, but I had left my camera in my car back at his grandma's house. I mentioned at this point that I'd like a picture of us, but unfortunately that didn't end up happening, what with getting dropped off at my car and then led to the interstate. The Ideal did get out of the car with me, though, for saying goodbye and hugging and such. His dad amusingly told him he'd wait for him. Since his parents were waiting in the car, I didn't have them take a last minute picture of us, but maybe someday. It was another of those times where plans worked out unbelievably well, like in January when I got to the LAN party with my brother, bought a bridesmaid dress with A', hung out with A' and Moses, and got to ride back to Minnesota with the Ideal. I can really see God's hand in how awesomely these events occurred.

It was an absolutely wonderful time altogether, and his parents were really very good to me. They also kept worrying that I'd be getting on the road too late, such that I'd still be driving at ridiculous hours of the night. [[I left at 3.30 or so, and told them I'd call to let them know I made it back okay, which I did do.]]

I just wish I lived closer to him so that we could do things like that more often, because i know both of us really enjoyed this weekend. In addition to really wanting it, I really needed it. I needed a break from Minnesota, from work, from my family. It was just ... amazingly great. I couldn't stop saying thank you.

We made tentative plans to meet up for lunch or something when we're both heading back to Minnesota in August -- I'll be coming from A' and Moses' wedding to home, and he'll be going from home to college, a week early since he's an RA for second semester, and has to get trained in at the beginning of the year. And I hinted that I might finally make good on that promise I gave him back in January, that we'd have him over for homemade chinese sometime.

He went rock climbing for the first time the next weekend, which I think was his favourite weekend all summer. We kept in touch on msn, with him counting down the amount of time until we'd get to hang out again. 2.5 weeks, 2, 1.5... And then I was in Milwaukee midway through the week, two days before the wedding and three before he left for college for RA training. My brother and I went driving around together, listening to loud music, and I showed him where the Ideal family lives, but no one was home. I kept trying to contact him because I had a virtually empty van which could have transported some of his things back to college [[I had brought my brother his bed and dresser and such]]. When we finally got in touch, he didn't need me to take anything for him, and actually, was headed to Eau Claire to spend time with the relatives around there, and would be leaving from there instead of from Milwaukee -- which meant we wouldn't be meeting up along the way for lunch. Nonetheless, I was still going to be helping him move in to his dorm, and we'd use my van to get the larger pieces out of storage, so we'd still meet up that Saturday.

The wedding and all that goes along with it -- wonderful. I'm so happy that A' and Moses included me in their day. [[Love to you two!]]

Saturday, I left at 7.00 a.m. and had rain from Tomah all the way back home. Intense rain + La Crosse hills + virtually weightless van = hydroplaning, but I managed to stay on the road, unlike some unfortunate souls. I arrived home, talked to some family members, and then called the Ideal to let him know I was back. He was just entering town when I called, so within 15 minutes I was leaving to help him move in. Teddy and G were already around, due to football, so they were the first ones I saw when I got over to the dorm. [[The Ideal told me later that he got up there, and they were standing around in their boxers, and he told them it was good to be back, seeing common sights such as that, but then warned them that I was coming over. Needless to say, when I saw them, they were clothed. ^_^]]

So he and I moved him in in the rain. Which, actually, I preferred, and I think he did, too. During the weekend I visited, we were talking about how the only thing that would have made it better would have been that it was raining. We both love rain. This time, we got our wish. Then, we got things out of storage, and wandered around campus, checking in on a couple of things.

Sunday night, Hair and Keys arrived early for student teaching classes. I helped them check into their room and rearrange it -- 6 girls in that room; I don't know how often I'll be able to stomach visiting -- and when they were leaving, whom should I find in the lounge but the Ideal, talking to his roomate's girlfriend Mouth. I came up during the tail end of a conversation, and after commenting on the amount of estrogen and drama that would regularly be in that dorm room, the Ideal invited me to sit down. Then, as conversation ensued, I heard the Ideal say to Mouth on offhand comment about off-campus dating. And that's all that I heard, but I extrapolated from that remark that

the Ideal has a girlfriend.

And conversation continued as though nothing had happened, but the next night on msn, when the previous night came up, I asked him about it, and he confirmed that he had a girlfriend, and as I continued asking questions about her, he answered them, but finally said, 'Wait, were you not there for this conversation?' Apparently the tail end of the conversation during which I sat down was his telling Mouth about his girlfriend -- her existence, how it happened, name, school, etc. So he thought that he had told me, or rather, told us, but I hadn't heard, really. So, he told me about all of that. And I'm nothing but happy for him. [[It seems like I should be more disappointed or upset or whatnot, but I'm not. Because I've been expecting failure since the beginning, and because, as I've said time and again, if all I get out of this is a good friendship with him, I'm content with that, because as far as friends go, he is the best. He and I are still close; it's not like his having a girlfriend completely annihilated our friendship -- far from it.]]

Wednesday night was the night that had been picked out several weeks previous for having the Ideal over for homemade chinese, and so we did. Dad and I made chicken chinese, and came over early to watch the making process, and talk with all of us. He and Dad both had wine with the meal, being of age and all, and it was a positively delightful time, and he seemed enjoyed it, and made his thanks known to my parents. When we left to go hang out on campus, I asked him if he'd enjoyed it, and he had, and then I asked if he had felt awkward because of the circumstances [[a year ago, this would not have happened; my dad being his professor would've made it awkward]]. The Ideal said he didn't feel awkward at all, which is wonderful and slightly surprising, considering within a week from that time he'd once again have Dad for class...

And we hung out with people around campus for a while, though most headed off to bed early -- teacher bedtime is apparently 10.30, or so they've pounded into the teacher track students' heads. Toward the end of it all, we were hanging out with Mouth in her room, and she asked where I lived, and how I came over. I answered her, and mentioned that my parents don't necessarily like it when I walk back alone late at night, so I sometimes drive, even though it's really close to campus. Needless to say, after spending time with the Ideal, I haven't walked home alone late at night since. He walked me home that night, and I thanked him for hanging out / eating with us and then I said I was going to steal a hug, and did, and whilst hugging a hear a bemused, 'Thief,' to which I responded, 'Hey! You like it,' and then he said, 'Okay,' and hugged me longer. Much grinning on both sides after that good night.

That was the last I saw of him in great amounts of time, really, until Sunday. I delivered a package to him the next morning [[he hunted me down during work]], and we bumped into each other a couple of times on Saturday, but we were hanging out with other people at the time. Keys and I had a conversation about the Ideal having a girlfriend that Saturday night, actually; she had just found out, and was concerned that he had already had the girlfriend when I visited, which would've been a really 'jerk-move', as she put it. But he didn't; they didn't even meet until afterwards, so Keys was reassured.

Since I had spent the majority of Saturday evening hanging out with Keys, Hair, and a couple of their roommates -- so much drama, I don't know how they stand it! -- along with a couple other friends -- G, Dan'l, etc. -- on Sunday, I called the Ideal, hoping to hang out with him before leaving for school the next day. He and Ish were wandering around, and came by to get me. As we walked along, Hair called me, saying they were walking behind us. A group of them were going swimming to celebrate her 21st birthday that day. I was asked to go out to eat at Applebee's with them to celebrate. [[They were going to go to a bar later, but being underage, I couldn't attend that part, so this was their way of including me.]]

Ish, the Ideal and I quickly decided that swimming would be refreshing on such a hot day, so we turned around to go get suits. I went home and changed and still beat the Ideal back. Ish decided meanwhile to not go, as she'd get all the way there, jump in, and have to run back to work, dripping wet. She walked us to the entrance of the state park, and left us there. We got down there, and the Ideal had completely forgotten that there were going to be friends of ours there that we knew. We joined up with them to throw a frisbee around in the water, which was a lot of fun.

The Ideal decided to join the group going to Applebee's, so we all walked up to campus, and they went to their dorms as I went home to shower and change. Less than 30 minutes later, I was back on campus, showered, dressed, and travel included. The guys were ready. The rest of the girls took another 45 minutes. I'm still not sure how. It's not like they had to wait to use the showers -- there are 6 in the bathroom on each floor. We squeeze into Keys' van, and meet another group down there. I'm one of the last inside the restaurant; there are three chairs left on one side of the table at one end, and two open way at the other end. PTom, Cap'n Jack, and the Ideal took the three chairs. As much as I wanted to crowd in on that end, I figured it wouldn't be welcome, so I went to the other end and sat by Moll and Rye -- except, not by either of them. I swung the chair around to the end of the table. That way, I could see everyone, and I could 'prepare them' for my looming departure.

It was fun, but I've known since I first met Rye -- a nice, amiable guy who gets along with pretty much everyone -- that I did not like him. I would not be in the pretty much everyone category. It's not like there's anything wrong with him; something about him just rubs me the wrong way. Moll and I are not close at all -- far from it, in fact. Needless to say, the experience was not all that it could have been. Whilst leaving, I was the last one, but Cap'n Jack, PTom, and the Ideal were still standing by the table, so I said in a low tone to the Ideal, 'I know Rye's nice and a lot of people like him, but I just can't stand the guy.' I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that the response I received was, 'Join the club.'

Back at campus, the girls left with Rye to have a dance party in their room [[um, no thanks]]. So the Ideal and I headed off to his dorm, found his roommate watching a movie we didn't want to ruin for ourselves, and then just started wandering around. We do that a lot. Walking, talking.. this is where we talked about not really having the opportunity to miss each other this summer, since we actually stayed in touch ... unlike a number of our friends, who said they would and then next communicated when back on campus. This led into how we're not really as close to that many people on campus anymore. I used to enjoy spending time with a whole lot more of them, and used to miss them, but as the Ideal put it, either we've changed, or they've changed, or we've both changed, and we're not as close to them anymore. And sad as that may be, it's also okay by us. We'll still do stuff with them, but we won't feel the need to as much. Again, good, honest conversation, and we're still close. I can't imagine losing his friendship, because we've had that 'we are so incredibly much alike in thought and reaction and behaviour and such, even though we're from different environments' conversation, and I think we're both mature enough and in contact enough [[even though so often far away from each other]] that it will stick. Huzzah!

Anyway, we ended up heading back to the state park, which is actually where we had spent part of the last night last summer, with Ish and Princess. Princess was once again feeling poorly, but for different reasons [[last summer was post-hernia surgery; this summer, just ill -- fever, whatnot]]. We ended up calling Ish, and she joined us there for a while. Eventually, teacher-bedtime was getting closer, and Ish wanted to get things done before then, so we walked back with her to campus. At the end of that walk back, she made a comment about understanding raespeak [[understanding me; understanding her is Ishish, and understanding the Ideal is Hoswash]] -- some comment that implied that she's getting better at it, or is better at it than the Ideal is. I informed her that actually, he's just as good most of the time [[and better the rest, but I left that part out]]. Then we were at campus, and said our goodbyes.

She tacked on an, 'unless you want to be walked back to your house...' and since I didn't think I was going yet, I said I'd be sticking around a while longer, I thought. Right after she walked away from us, the Ideal told me he did want to get an early night that night, since classes started early the next day, and that he wanted to get some reading done for them first, so... with Ish less than 10 feet in front of us, the Ideal starts to walk me home. Kinda funny, kinda odd, but I think I preferred it that way.

[[Ish has done a lot of attacking me this summer -- verbally, mentally, emotionally, not physically. She attacked my character / behaviour with what she considers my flaws, on multiple occasions. It didn't strike me as the way a friend would do it, either. After the first major occurrence of these, I actually talked with the Ideal about it, and he helped me see some of the problems I have / people might have with me, but he does things in a non-threatening, problem-solving way... not an apt description, I know, but I was more comfortable talking with him about it than having her shove whatever came into her head down my throat. Anyway, I think Ish and I are still friends/sisters, but I prefer the Ideal and trust the Ideal more than I've ever trusted her. I don't think that that has anything to do with feelings from this past year, for the record. Putting them aside, I'd still trust him more, and I've still enjoyed the time with him more. I think part of Ish's problem with me is her own insecurities, but that's as much as I'm going to say on that subject.]]

So, the Ideal walked me home, and we talked about staying in touch -- which we're still doing these days, even now, a week later -- and hanging out when I'm home and he's available to do so, and other such general things. I referenced a couple things from the previous summer's end conversation -- when he thanked me for saving his sanity in California, and we had a good reminiscence just as we arrived at my house. Then, we said goodnight, and he gave me a hug, and then after that, as goodbye, I told him I was stealing another hug -- he chuckled and called me a thief again, but hugged me goodbye. He doesn't give cheap, half-hearted hugs, either; they're good and strong and sometimes they last a while. That one lasted. That one will last.

And it was good.

the rest of the Ideal week

2007-05-20T20:57:00.000-05:00

So Sunday came and went, with me cleaning my room some more, and waiting and hoping for a call, but no dice on that one. Nearly all my friends were studying, so I tried not to be too horribly hopeful, though I kept remembering that the Ideal had said he might.

Monday morning, I started work, and 3rd Mom and I were cleaning the guys' dorm that the Ideal and Cap'n Jack and Co. all live in. In fact, we started on their floor, the top floor, fourth. And Cap'n Jack found me as I was waiting for 3rd Mom to finish dust-mopping the hallway before we moved down to third. Shortly thereafter, who should show up but the Ideal himself. So we were all talking for a while until 3rd Mom and I were ready to head down to third. The last thing I said to the Ideal as he headed down the hall was, 'By the way, that was a very good look for you last night,' and then I ducked out the door. I got a grin out of him, though. Later, down on 1st, I was heading toward a door to go clean the lobby, and almost skewered the poor man with my dust-mop handle. He wasn't terribly bothered, though, as he had done well on his exams thus far.

Monday evening, Princess and I delivered cupcakes to a family friend for our mother. Said family friend is attending the college, so we were on campus, and encountered our friend Rromagar. When I was near the end of work that afternoon, I had encountered Pals [[who's dating Rromagar]] and when we merged, he appeared. Now, when Princess and I merged, he materialized again, and as he was hugging us both, he said to me, 'Well, between the last time I materialized and this one, I got engaged.' Turns out he and Pals had a picnic at the site where he had first asked her out, and he asked her to marry him this time. Wedding is next summer. He had just finished searching the guys' dorms to tell our friends, but everyone seemed to be gone to choir practice, so we waited around, and told various people as they showed up. Soon, a whole group of us were standing in a circle by one of my favourite statues, when Ish suddenly turns to Princess and me and says, 'Wait, do you know all these people?' I, naturally, did [[to be fair, a lot of them were guys from on the Ideal's floor, hence I met them through him, not through Ish]]. She promptly introduced them to Princess, and told them all that Princess and I are twins. Some had not known this, or even that she existed, amusingly.

The group dwindled down until only Rromagar, Ish, Princess, the Ideal, and I were left. The Ideal wanted to move inside until a farewell party for cafeteria worker James, but Princess didn't really want to stay. I started heading off with Ish and Princess, until I realized we were just walking Princess back to my house so she could go to bed. So, I turned around and went to join the party, though I wasn't hungry at all. Basically, I ended up sitting with Hair and the Ideal, and talking with the Ideal a lot about [[again]] the summer, and anything else that came to mind. Tuesday, the next day, was to be his last day of exams, and so I kept reminding him that besides work, I was completely free, and wanted to do stuff. He said that he had things going on on Tuesday night, but that he'd give me a call. He specifically asked when I'd be off work. Then he headed off to study.

Meanwhile, I went with Hair to the compline service on campus that evening, after which she and I went on a 2 hour walk around the neighbourhood. Hair and I are alike in the fact that neither of us have ever dated. Ever. We're also both bothered by mixed signals from guys -- my Ideal sitch and her sitch with taken guys flirting with her -- and especially, we're sick of being the ugly best friend. I have Ish, and she has Keys [[though her case is worse, as Keys is engaged]] and every time we meet new guys / become friends with guys, they fall for them, not us. This has led to some very amusing conversations on our part, and thus we spent a lot of our 2 hour walk talking about such things... and about the Ideal.

The Ideal's two closest girl friends on campus are Hair and Keys. Sometimes when he's talking to me, he'll mention something they'll have done, or said, or say something about being close to them. Yet Hair told me on that walk that she has a theory about that, actually, and it's this: That he pretends to be closer to them than he is whenever I'm around. That he tries to make it seem like they all hang out more, and spend time together more. Remember the last time I was home, for Children's Theatre weekend? They came up to his room to hang out [[after calling my number, not his, ironically]], but the last time they had been there was back when I had visited during fall semester. He apparently spends a good deal of time ignoring them, and if he ever has something to share with them, some news or something, he'll just tell Keys, and she'll tell Hair; he never calls Hair and tells her. We actually had a snippet of conversation like this...

We were talking about how, last summer, some people got specific days of the week on which he'd call them [[or vice versa]] and chat with them. [[read: not me. I not only didn't know him well enough to be deemed worthy of that last summer, but I was talking to him nearly every single night of the summer, for several hours each time, and so a weekly catch-up phone call wasn't exactly necessary, though hearing his voice would've been a nice change of pace sometimes.]] Anywhen, I made some comment about how I didn't expect to get a day of the week, since I still wasn't considered as close as she or Keys were, and then Hair said, 'Honestly, I think you're actually closer to him than we are. You know him better, and you talk more. Besides which, our call nights were normally him considering calling us without necessarily doing so.. But really, I think he's closer to you than to us.' ... We also discussed how, when I come home on weekends / breaks, he'll initially make it sound like we won't get to hang out much, but we normally will, because after the first time, he'll ask how long I'm around, and when I'm free, and will I be able to hang out the next day? Kinda like he just did about after his final is done, or on Saturday night about if he'd see me on Sunday [[though he normally actually follows through on those things]]. On the whole, it was a very good and much needed walk on both our parts, though it led to some speculation over his actions on both sides [[perhaps not surprisingly]], and yet -- this might sound bizarre -- I think Hair and Keys get more frustrated with him than I do. Sometimes it seems like they get frustrated at him *for* me. Now that we've had that Irish walk conversation, I don't really have any problems with him.

Tuesday, I saw the Ideal at work, and he seeme to ignore me. I said good morning, and he passed by with an inaudible response. I was working on the cafeteria doors, cleaning them, when Hair, Keys, and the Ideal left for chapel. He was talking to them as he left, but amusingly, Hair told me later -- adding proof to her claim, she said -- that the Ideal had sat alone studying, and Keys had been sitting studying elsewhere, and that Hair sat with Keys, and in getting up to go, they'd said hi to him, without receiving any kind of response, until they were up by me, when he suddenly started talking all friendly, trying [[in Hair's belief]] to make it seem like they'd all been sitting together, having a good time. Decidedly odd, at least according to Hair's theory. Not sure what to make of that theory, but considering it is amusing.

That afternoon, I ran into Teddy, another guy on the floor, whilst I was cleaning. I asked him if he had even known of Princess' existence before the night previous, and he had had no idea I had a sister, let alone a twin. Then I conceded, 'Well, she didn't spend as much time over here on 4th floor of your dorm, either. She was always studying.' And Teddy smirked and said, 'Yeah, I imagine you'll be spending a lot of time on 4th floor [[upperclass men's dorm]] next year, eh? Because of the Ideal.' And I said, 'Well yeah, because of the Ideal, and of Cap'n Jack, and Keep, and G, and what do you mean, just because of the Ideal?' [[again, I'm smiling, not indignant. *Very* amusing. As Ish pointed out when I told her about these conversations with Teddy and G, we don't know what, if anything, the Ideal has told these guys, so who knows what they think is going on. -- Though I distinctly remember the Ideal telling me about them teasing him for not having a girlfriend, so I don't think they necessarily think that...]] Saw the Ideal again that afternoon as he was heading to work, but he was talking with someone, so I didn't interrupt.

Tuesday evening, I ended up going to the bonfire for outdoor theatre's production, which was a good time, although Ideal-less. Had he not told me he was busy that evening, I'd have called him and had him come along, but going alone allotted me some of my first opportunities to talk with some of our guy friends without him being around, which I think is a good thing to do. Let's them get to know me a bit better without automatically associating me with my father, a professor there, or with only talking with me when the Ideal is around. This got interrupted by a phone call from Keys, inviting me to join her, Hair, and her roommate for a walk / talk in the gazebo. After they headed off to early teacher bedtime, I headed outside toward my car, and ran into a larger group of the guys again, and ended up talking with them again for a while. This was a good time, though in retrospect, running into them should have alerted me to a lack of D&D that evening, which made it more likely that the Ideal wasn't, in fact, busy. [[I found out Thursday night that on Tuesday, he had almost gone to the bonfire, but hadn't, and had instead been rather bored -- not that he tried to call me, necessarily, though my phone had been having problems, but I would've put in effort to see him.]]

Wednesday, I again saw him during work, and he again ignored me, or seemed to do so. Two of the other guys that we're both friends with had informed me that that evening was the last planned D&D night, so I knew I wouldn't see him then at all, but I was started to get a tad sick of being ignored. Everyone else stops to talk to me whilst I'm working [[which is completely fine, as I can continue cleaning whilst talking]] except for him. That night, whilst he played D&D and had blackberry brandy, I ended up going to Keys' room, where I was introduced to a coloured picture of Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck, and Donald Duck, having a party, where Daisy and Minnie are happy and laughing, and Donald looks crabby. Which completely characterizes Keys, Hair, and the Ideal when they're hanging out together. -- And reminds me that in Monday night's long walk, Hair told me that she's also noticed that when the four of us hang out, the Ideal is considerably less crabby than when it's the three of them, though that's perhaps due to our similarities [[such that he doesn't feel so alone / irritated, since someone else is, too]]. Anyway, there were a bunch of girls there, and they were talking of going to Applebee's, and most were glad that the Ideal wasn't going to be among us, as then he and I would've ruined it for the rest of them, apparently, because we encourage each other on in acting and reacting negatively / cynically. So we went, and a good time seemed to be had by all, though it was a bit too girly for my taste, and I wasn't that hungry, actually.

Thursday morning, I *finally* got my Abstract Algebra grade [[the only one I was missing, and the only one of which I wasn't sure of the outcome]] and thus found my grades as follows:
Education class: A
Practicum: S [[Pass/Fail class; I passed]]
Math Stats: A
Perspectives: A
Abstract: A
hence, a 4.0 for that semester, and a 4.0 cumulative for college thus far. So I was pretty happy about that. Plus, I saw the Ideal heading down to breakfast, and got an audible good morning out of him. Whilst he ate, I had a meeting with my supervisour. I'd been working since Tuesday in the student center, which houses lounge, lobby, gym, cafeteria, bookstore, post office, etc. It's a huge building, and a lot to clean. The commencement concert and graduation both occur in the gymnasium, and the alumni were having a banquet, and there were faculty and adminstration people in charge of various aspects walking through and constructing a list of 50some things that needed to be done by the end of the week -- in addition to whatever else cropped up. So, I was meeting with my supervisour about the progress we had made, and had just finished, when the Ideal came up from breakfast. As he checked his mail, I called over my shoulder a 'how are you?' And was greeted with the response:

'Um, fine... I got a phone call this morning saying my grandpa died.' And immediately, I was across the hall, giving him a hug, saying, 'I'm so sorry.' We hugged for a while, and then he started saying, 'It's okay,' and I knew he was thinking about the conversation we had had on Saturday night about his grandpa, and he knew I was thinking about it, too, because I cut him off before he even finished saying 'okay' by saying 'I know' and we hugged some more [[sheila: this is one of those moments we were talking about]]. And then we got into how his family was taking it, and that at least his grandpa wasn't in pain anymore, and that he could always share with his family a poem he had written this past summer, when a lot of us were losing relatives, because I know it brought me such comfort, and I figured it would help them, too. [[Later that day, I emailed it back to him, just in case he lost it when his computer had died earlier this semester.]] Then Peeping Tom came along, and we all talked about classes and grades and D&D for a bit, before PTom left us, and we talked about his grandpa some more. I also mentioned feeling ignored, since everyone else talked to me during work, and he explained that he didn't think I'd want to be bothered during work, since he normally doesn't, either. I gave him another hug for the day, and he said he hoped to be able to hang out with me soon, and then went on his way. I considered that conversation my break for the morning.

I saw him again close to noon, when we were each heading for lunch, and he had just hung up his cell phone. He then told me that he'd be leaving at 4 o'clock the next morning, in order to pick up his sister in the cities from her flight in from Alaska at 6 or so in the morning. From there, they'd drive to his grandparents' home. Now originally, he was going to stay until Saturday afternoon or so, and thus I was shocked at the early departure time. I didn't know if it meant he'd be going to get his sister and then come back for his stuff later, or what, but apparently he was to just pack everything that day and leave for good until August early the next morning. Not only was I sorry about his grandpa, I was sorry that he'd be leaving so soon, too. The last thing he said as I headed off to lunch was that he hoped to be able to see me later that night sometime.

Now Thursday was Ascension Day, so I had church in the evening. I left a message about it for the Ideal before he shut off his computer, saying that other than that, I'd be free and able to help him with anything / be there if he wanted to hang out. I then called him after church, since I figured he'd want to get to bed early that night, so I ought to head over to campus sooner rather than later. Once there, I headed up [[despite it not technically being open-dorm hours; the last week is rather lax, as people are leaving / helping each other move out]] to 4th and waited for the Ideal and friend Randy to get back from loading his car. Randy had met me before, but a while back, so when I said, 'Hi, Randy,' and he said, 'Hey, how's it going?' the Ideal turned to him and said, 'Randy, you don't remember who this is, do you.' And Randy could only attest to knowing my last name, so he was reminded. [[G, his roommate, told me later that Randy was ashamed of not having remembered.]]

I helped the Ideal load the last few things into his car, and then we set about cleaning up his side of the room for check-out. Whilst he vacuumed, I told him of my conversations with G and Teddy, and how they amused me so much. He responded, 'Apparently they know something I don't.' I said, 'Yeah, same here.' And he noted, 'Then I doubt they know anything; it's probably nothing to worry about.' At which point, I reminded him that I wasn't concerned, I was extremely amused. Then, I cleaned some areas he didn't notice, and I cleaned off a table he was going to throw away [[ go Germicidal Foaming Cleanser!]]. When we got back into the hall from the janitorial closet, Karl was standing in the hallway, pizza in hands, saying to me, 'KEYS! You have KEYS! Can you please let me into the soda room so I can make my pizza?' Unfortunately, I had left my work keys at home. [[The dorm staff locks the guys' soda rooms for the last week so that they can't put all their trash in there and mess it up. However, this also means that they can't use the only sink big enough to clean someonthing in, they can't use the pizza ovens, and they can't use the soda machines. It's rather ridiculous, but not my call.]] I sent Karl over to the girls' side to make his pizza, and when he worried about getting caught, I pointed out, 'I'm over here. ... but of course, I'm staff...' The Ideal flippantly told him that if he did get caught, he should say 'Ame sent me.'

Apparently, my laughter attracted the attention of Cap'n Jack, who recognized the female tone, and immediately surmised that if a girl was going to be on the floor, near his room, that night, it had to be me. In fact, none of the guys I know up there seemed surprised to see me on that last night. The Ideal and I finished cleaning his room, and preparing items for storage and the things he'd need early the next morning when he woke up to leave by 3.45. We took his car to get gas, check air pressure, check oil, etc. to prepare for the long trip of the next few days. I issued a couple of reminders here and there, which were much appreciated, and in the meantime, we spent some time remembering other fun times we'd had: parts of the six-hour return trip from Madison in January, snippets of msn conversations from last summer -- though mostly just how much we had talked the last summer. I claimed full rights to call him and harass him -- or at least see how he's doing -- randomly during the summer. I hope he follows suit. I hope he's online to stay in touch. It was, all around, a good time filled with remembering memories, and hopes toward new ones. There was, I think [[-- I could be wrong]], some flirting, as usual, but it was moreso harmless, good-natured teasing and camaraderie based on a strong friendship, I think. It was enjoyable, and we were doing nothing but pack and clean and prepare for a trip.

But then we had to say goodbye.

And it nearly killed me. [[Okay, perhaps slightly over-dramatic, but I certainly wasn't happy about it.]] This will sound pathetic, I know, but do you know how long it is until August? I miss him so much. Of all the people going to that college, it's the Ideal I miss the most. [[Ish doesn't count for two reasons: 1, she's family. 2, she's in town for the summer.]] I told him I would miss him, just as I told him to be sure to drive safely. Very safely. Several times. I had half a mind to tell him to call me when he got there safe and sound, but I didn't. I held back. [[Keys told me later that he had called her and that he made it there safely. Again, he didn't call Hair or myself; he called Keys, the engaged one of us.]] I collected a few very, very long hugs before sending him off to bed, since he had to get up so early. He last tried to call Keys and Hair to say goodbye to them, but since he couldn't get them, he just asked me to say goodbye to everyone for him. [[I found Keys and Hair chatting at work a bit later, and by my prompting, they got up around 3.30 in the morning to sit by his car and wait for him, just to say goodbye. They felt badly about missing him. Ironically, I wasn't sleeping well and woke up around that time also, but I didn't go to say good bye again, though I was sorely tempted to do so.]]

Other friends noticed that something was bothering me, but I wouldn't let them hug me. I was still in the Ideal mode, and I wanted his hugs to be my last of the night. When I explained to Keys and Hair why I was so sad, they let out an 'Aww! That's so sweet, Ame ^_^' but really, it was horrible. I was just completely out of it. I wasn't really talking to anyone, I just sat on the floor against the wall in the hallway, staring at the wall opposite. Even the coloured picture that represents them didn't make me laugh. Keys came to me and said, 'Ame, I know you're really sad right now, but before Hair and I leave, I need a picture of the three of us, because I don't have any of you.' This merely reminded me that I have *no* pictures of any of them, and that includes the Ideal. Naturally, this depressed me further.

And really, I'm okay, and I'm sure I'll be fine, but I miss him, which, as Sheila says, is painful and hard but is also something beautiful [[and if that's the price I have to pay for this friendship for the rest of the time, I'll gladly pay it]]. In the meantime, I wonder how he's doing, and how his family is doing, and how much longer he's there instead of at home... and I hope and I pray that I'll see him in July, albeit briefly, when my father guest-preaches at our former church in our former hometown in Wisconsin, less than an hour from where the Ideal lives.

... I guess if he doesn't show up online, I'll just have to call him sometime soonish.

Another Saturday night

2007-05-19T12:09:00.000-05:00

Friday evening last, I arrived home from college for the summer [[and it couldn't have come too soon]]. I called the Ideal later that evening when I was heading over to campus, though I figured, and rightly so, that he was playing d&d. I hung out with Keys and Hair and such peoples instead, which was a good time.

Saturday, I spent the day cleaning in my room, throwing out a lot of things and trying to square away a lot of the college stuff that had overtaken my room. By evening, I was sick of it, and had cleaned up my room enough. I announced that I was going over to campus, and as I was heading down the stairs, the doorbell rang, and there were Ish and the Ideal, the latter in jeans and a white dress shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbows. A *very* good look for him. Ahem. Anyway, we waited around for a while for Princess, walked around the block, collected Princess [[after waiting inside some more]] and headed back to campus to get Hugs for this walking excursion.

We entered the dorms into the lobby, and the Ideal headed off toward his side, presumably to get something or use the facilities or whatnot, and G, one of the guys on his floor, entered shortly after us, and said, 'Ame! I thought that was you. I saw you from behind and thought, "That might be Ame." And then, I saw the Ideal head over there, and I thought, "That *must* be Ame!"' To which I responded, 'What do you mean, that *must* be Ame if you saw the Ideal?' [[I wasn't indignant; I was very, very amused.]] Flustered, G tried to explain it away by saying he's good at recognizing people from behind, but that had nothing to do with his second point.

We left to go on our walk, and headed in the opposite direction of our house, still on top of the hill. There was a brief moment when Ish said, 'We're all wearing glasses!' and the Ideal and I promptly took ours off for a while, but that didn't last terribly long. To my annoyance, one the sidewalk of a long, busier street, I ended up walking with Princess in front of the others, by her doing. Now, I love my sister, I do, but if we weren't related, I don't know that we'd be friends. Even without that, I get to see her *all* the time, and I get to see Ish, Hugs, and the Ideal rarely, so I didn't really think that was time well spent. Turning off on a less-frequented side street that wrapped around, I started walking backwards so I could face the entire group. Hugs isn't a typically fast walker, and Ish sometimes isn't either, and so Princess was walking at their pace, being Hernia-girl, and thus the Ideal was the one walking faster and ending up closer to me. The two of us were talking, with him occasionally considering telling me when / if I was about to run into something. After I while, I turned around and walked forwards with him. Again, we were ahead of the rest.

Now, when I'm up at college, I hate walking with the people there. They always complain about my pace, and I'm not that close to them anyway. The Ideal and I seem to walk the same pace. I don't know if we subconsciously accommodate each other, with shortening stride or pace or anything, but we end up walking together. We ended up quite a ways ahead of the other three, for quite a while, but it's a relaxing pace, as we're relaxed together. Thus, with just the two of us, we ended up talking by ourselves about different events and family members. I told him about my uncle, and he mentioned that his grandpa was in the hospital again. We talked about each circumstance for a while, with him reiterating that he thought it would be almost better if his grandpa died soon, since then he wouldn't be in pain anymore, and that now that he had had a religion talk with his grandpa a couple months ago, he felt okay about it. He was sure that his family wouldn't feel the same way, however.

So we talked about death, and faith, and funerals, and family, before transitioning to talking about our summers. I asked about whether or not I'd hear from him often this summer [[I hope so]]. We'll see how things go. Then, back on campus, Princess caught up with us and walked with us for a while. Then Hugs, Princess, and Ish headed off to respective places of rest, and the Ideal and I ended up in the lobby, talking with the dormmother, who I'm sure thinks that we're dating. If that should come up in conversation this summer during work, I'll have to set her straight. It was a good discussion, though, and ended with the Ideal heading off to bed after Cap'n Jack showed up. Amusingly, Cap'n Jack admired the Ideal's shirt [[which I should have done aloud]], and when the Ideal commented on how comfortable it is, Cap'n Jack asked to touch it, and walked uncomfortably close and took hold of some collar [[albeit open]] by the neck. I then asked if I could feel the shirt without making him feel awkward, which he thought was amusing. Cap'n Jack couldn't see how it might be awkward, so I demonstrated to him just how close he had been to the Ideal. Pretty amusing. Anyway, Cap'n Jack left for bed, and then the Ideal was heading off to bed; he walked me as far as the door, saying he'd leave me there unless I wanted company on my walk home, but I figured he'd had to put up with enough of me already, so we said our goodnights there, and he mentioned that he might get to see me Sunday for, even though he had two exams for which to study, he might get bored / finish early / want a break, and so he might call.

And it's lunchtime now, and I've conveniently ended one night's stories, so I'll explain the rest of the week at a later time.

what 'how hard it must be' means. [[updated]]

2007-05-15T18:10:00.000-05:00

So, we've known for several weeks now that my uncle has stomach cancer. It started with a surgery for what was thought to be a bleeding stomach ulcer. He almost died on the table, and almost once afterward. [[This was not helped by the fact that my uncle was very overweight.]] And then they found that it was stomach cancer.

He's been losing a lot of weight since then, and once he had recovered enough from the first surgery, they did a second surgery to remove the cancerous portions of his stomach, reduce the size of his stomach to help with weight loss, and maintaining weight loss. They also removed some lymph nodes to test.

My aunt called us on Mother's Day to talk to my father. The surgeon told her that they removed 3/4 of his stomach, all of which was cancerous, and that there were [[deemed to be?]] microcancerous cells in the remaining portion of his stomach. In addition, of the 10 or so lymph nodes removed and tested, at least 5 were cancerous. So it's apparently spreading. My aunt pressed for an estimate of how long he has [[with the surgeon protesting, 'I'm not an oncologist,' until he reluctantly estimated maybe a year]]. She looked the surgeon straight in the eye, and said, 'You don't really think so, do you.' And he responded, 'No, I don't.' My aunt didn't think that my G-ma [[my uncle's mother]] should be told the news over the phone, so my father went down to his mother's house on Mother's Day and broke the news to her.

The surgeon officially told my uncle yesterday. Word is that he plans to fight the cancer. I hope and pray that goes well. [[To those who emailed or commented, thank you, but I'm doing fine. I just wondered at the irony of it, when I posted.]]

Meanwhile, what with school being done, and being back in the hometown / working at the college whilst my friends are taking finals, I hung out with some of them last night and went to the Compline service. They sang Abide With Me, my uncle's favourite hymn.

That's all the news I have thus far on this matter, though I do owe you a post or three about occurrences [[involving the Ideal, natch]] since I've been back. More on that later.

Update: The uncle plans to fight the cancer, and likes his oncologist. His oncologist is estimating 2-3 years, so things are not quite as dire as originally thought.

how hard it must be...

2007-05-13T16:04:00.000-05:00

... to have to tell your mother, on Mother's Day, that her eldest child, your older brother, is dying. I'm still not sure how my father was able to do it.

word cloud

2007-05-06T12:19:00.000-05:00

AfterMath

2007-04-24T18:43:00.000-05:00

I went home this past weekend, and moreover, I went home early. My Abstract Algebra class was cancelled, and I opted not to wait an extra 2.5-3 hours after Mathematical Statistics to go to Mathematical Perspectives, only to do Su Doku the entire time, since I know the material for that class already. [[This is the first time I've ever voluntarily skipped class. I still feel a tad guilty about it, but I didn't miss anything, and was much happier to get home that much sooner.]] 12.15 found me on the road already, and I got back and unloaded my car by 3.00. I had no Princess along with me, as she had a dental school thingus to attend. It was nice to be home without her, and be able to hang out with friends at the hometown campus without her tagging along [[in my defense, she doesn't know them that well, since she spends most of her time at home studying. plus, it is really very nice to be able to spend time with friends that are my own, without her having to be there. For a while in high school, I had a group of my own friends, but then her group infiltrated mine, so then constant contact. I like having friends of my own, I like having people I'm closer to. I like spending time with people without her being around. I didn't have to worry about it at all this weekend. I loved it.]] Anyway, by 3.15, I was on the hometown campus, found and surprised my dad, and then went off looking for friends, several of whom -- Keys, Roads, Hair, and then Ish -- I found fairly easily.

As far as the Ideal went, he had told me a few weeks beforehand that he had quite a number of things going on this weekend, so he wasn't really sure that he'd see me very much. When we talked Wednesday last, he had asked when I'd be back Friday -- at that point, it was still going to be around 6.30 -- and confirmed that he'd probably be around Friday night, so come Friday night, I took the initiative, around 8 or 9, of calling him when I was bored of being at home, and telling him I was heading over to campus. I watched him finish up a video game, and we talked for quite a while, and listened to some music, and then Hair actually called me -- I can't believe someone called me wanting to hang out. It doesn't happen that often, honestly -- anyway, Hair called my cell, and the Ideal immediately said, 'You should answer that in a funny voice.' I promptly handed him the phone, and then he answered it in a funny voice, since it was Hair. It was determined that Keys and Hair would come over and hang out with us.

Before this, he and I had compared vision -- mine's actually worse than his, although our right eyes are pretty close, actually; the left eyes are way off each other. So after this phone call but before their arrival, the Ideal turned off the lights, and put on his blue christmas lights under his loft, and we both removed our glasses. Those of you with poor vision may know, as we do, that the lights look like huge orbs of varying colour and intensity. It just looks so much cooler... and that's how Keys and Hair found us. We all hung out together for the last 45 minutes, with the two girls practically sleeping on the floor whilst we were talking. The Ideal told us about a phone call he got from a wrong number, and the woman on the other end said, 'You're sure you're not John?'

The Ideal: 'No, not John...'
Woman: 'Well... are you single?'
The Ideal: '...Yes...' [[thinking: I'm way younger than you are, lady...]]
[[conversation ensues about where they each live, then:]]
Woman: 'How old are you?'
The Ideal: '21.'
Woman: 'Oh, then I'd definitely be robbing the cradle! I'm 47. [[she laughs]] Well, if you ever want someone to talk to, feel free to call me; you have my number.'

Hilarious!

We headed downstairs to check out -- the Ideal went off to shower before bed, as he had to be up extra early the next morning to head to the Cities to take some kids to the Science Museum for an Interpersonal project for class. I ran into Cap'n Jack on the way, and he had a good chat about life for the next half hour.

The next day, in the afternoon, I had Keys and Hair over to bake cookies with me. They actually had more fun reading this -- which my mom brought out for them to read; they're El. Ed. majors -- than baking with me, but they liked the cookies. A lot. Then, we went to the Children's Theatre play "Cinderella" that evening. The Ideal met us there, a bit later than the rest, so he ended up sitting behind us, poor fellow. We all seemed to enjoy the play pretty well. Ish did a good job in it, and we congratulated her on it later. She had told me that she'd hang out with my after the play performance, but she ended up going to a cast party at Applebee's. Meanwhile, the rest of us headed back to the dorms, and one by one, people dispersed: Roads to D&D, Hair to call a friend, Keys to pack for a trip, Cap'n Jack to do Hebrew... it soon had dwindled down to just the Ideal and myself.

We didn't feel like crashing the cast party, so we decided to either find someone to bother or check the status of his room [[to see if his roommate and his roommate's girlfriend were in there]]. Keys had said we could come up and talk to her as she packed, but we opted not to, as she wouldn't have completed anything then. Surprisingly, his room was free, but we noted that it actually felt nicer outside, so we headed back out. We passed Hair, wandering on the phone, and ended up on the mall, heading toward the faculty lot. The Ideal mentioned that he was feeling charming that evening -- a rare experience indeed. Soon we were in the faculty lot, which overlooks most of the city [[the campus, and my house, are on top of a hill]].

Then, inspiration. All those city lights, the experience of the night before, and then the man with the charming demeanor and I exchanged glances, he said, 'Shall we?' and he removed his glasses, and I followed suit, and we headed down the steps to the sidewalk halfway down the hill. We walked through a large portion of the hometown with our glasses off. It was wonderful. The conversation was great, both of us were in a good mood. I wish I could say more about it, because it was an awesome time, and a lot of fun, and a lot more meaningful than this sounds. I can't do it justice. It was just good. Remember that thing about no awkwardness? I was right: None. Bliss.
...

Anyway, halfway into the walk, we got a phone call from our friend Rromagar, asking us to hang out. So we walked the extra 6-8 blocks to his basement apartment, and entered and hung out, still with our glasses off. Keys and Hair actually ended up down there, too, along with Rromagar's girlfriend, Pal. One of the subjects of the evening was the possibility of going out to eat at a Mexican restaurant in town on Sunday night. Otherwise, discussion was pretty generic. It was when Rromagar was being sent to get food that the Ideal and I, tired, put on our glasses and got a ride back to campus. I drove home -- parentals don't like me walking back from campus -- 2 blocks down and 1 block over -- late at night, all alone, and so I drive over to campus when I'm going to be there later in the night. The Ideal headed off to bed, anticipating another early morning, as he's in the College Male Choir that was going to be singing at the first two services at my church the following morning. The choir sounded very good, I thought, though I didn't get a chance to talk to the Ideal or Cap'n Jack afterward, as the parentals were rushing for us to leave [[we took Ish with us]].

I spent the afternoon getting frustrated with Abstract Algebra homework -- I not only didn't get anywhere, I backtracked -- and I was severely frustrated. I stopped by campus to deliver the cookies I had promised the Ideal, but he wasn't in his room. His roommate suggested the library, which I scoured, and found no Ideal. I had tried calling him just beforehand to give him a heads-up, but no dice getting a hold of him at that point. I went back to my homework, and still got no further, when the Ideal called me back. He'd noted the cookies, and thanked me, and wondered how long I'd be staying. I said that depended on if anyone was doing anything, and wanted me along. He said he was trying to decide if he should eat caf food or go out, and asked if I wanted to get something to eat. Naturally, I said yes, so I packed up the van, said goodbye to my parents, and headed over to the Ideal's room, watching him finish up another game. He said that, if it was okay with me, we'd join Rromagar, Pal, and whomever else they'd found who wanted to go.

The restaurant was a good, good thing. We drove such that I could leave directly from there to head back to college. I ended up sitting by almost all the guys -- there were four guys, and six girls, and I was at the end of the table. I had Rromagar next to me, Theo across from me, and the Ideal diagonal from me; the only other guy was sitting entirely opposite of me, surrounded by girls [[which worked for him, because when they couldn't finish their orders, which came only in size huge, he finished off three or four of them]]. I'm not familiar with Mexican food at all, but I had a Chicken Quesadilla Deluxe, and enjoyed chatting with and listening to the guys. The Ideal, smirking, started giving me a hard time about ordering something I've already had before -- at places like Applebee's or Perkin's, where it is completely different; this was authentic -- and I pointed out after a little of this, smiling, 'Is it just me, or are you teasing me again?' His response? 'Well, yeah, you know I only tease the people I love ...[[me: yeah, i know]] ... I make fun of the people I hate.' And he was trying to convince me that the last night's charm was gone, silly him.

The food was quite delicious; the company, excellent, but the service was somewhat slow in parts. We all stood in line to pay when we finally got our bills, and he and I were last. I pointed out to him that he'd told me a week and a half ago that he wasn't really going to be able to hang out with me much that weekend, and how I was now amused by that, because, honestly, I think I ended up spending more time with him than with anyone else. He said he pushed back some things, and let some others slide -- I think he's a bit behind on homework now, but he's assured me that he would've been even if I hadn't been around, and he refuses to let me take the blame for how little sleep he's gotten and how much homework he has left. I gave him what was left from paying my bill, saying I didn't want the shrapnel, which caused him to really want to throw it at somebody, anybody.

The girls he had transported down to the restaurant were all waiting outside, under the overhang, as it was raining now. I got a hug good-bye from the Ideal, with the usual, '[I'll see you later.] Drive safely, okay, Ame?' to which I replied with my typical [[to him alone]] '[In three weeks.. and] I'll think about it.' The girls thought that was an odd, albeit amusing thing to say, but the Ideal threw me a sarcastic, 'Yeah, you think long and hard about it' in his 'I-expect-you-to-be-alright,-be-safe' manner. Little did he know that he was predicting torrential rains that I had to drive through for over half the trip back -- but it was worth it. I didn't listen to the radio the entire 2 hour, 45 minute trip back -- just the rain, and my reflections on the weekend to entertain me.

Best weekend I've had in a long time; I'm still living off it, because frankly, nothing here can compare.

I thanked the Ideal for the weekend when I talked to him last night... I know I've thanked him for hanging out with me before, and he found it an odd thing for a person to do. But I of course didn't let that stop me. So I said, 'Also, even though you'll probably find this odd once again, thank you for this weekend. I had a good time [[well, several good times]].' This time, though, he wasn't weirded out by it. He said, 'I as well.' Come to think of it, on that blind walk, at some point when we'd walked a very long time, and he was getting tired, and not looking forward to walking back, I said, 'Well, we could've just stayed on top of the hill. We could've gone to my house.' And he wished I'd mentioned that, but I thought he'd not want to go to my place; that he might feel awkward, what with my dad. But then he said, 'No, I'm over that, I really think I am. I've seen him a few times outside the classroom context, and I'd have no problem coming over to your house.' [[Which is technically evidenced by the way he ran over to my house that St. Patrick's Day night. Still, good to know that that specific aspect of awkwardness -- involving notsomuch me as my connection with his favourite professor -- has passed...]]

This weekend, I was happy.

...
In the meantime, I'm in my last three weeks of school. Last two weeks of classes, then a week of finals, and then I'm home -- whilst the hometown campus will still have one week left. That will be glorious, and I can't wait.

The only other notable news: I gave blood Thursday last, and if anyone is interested, I have an account at AllPoetry.com: frae. I don't post poems there often, and some of them have already been seen here, but there it is.

Semesterness, Last: Explanation

2007-03-20T08:30:00.001-05:00

For those wondering what 'It's done' meant, exactly, here's a recap of Saturday night, with the preface that the Ideal saw me [[I didn't see him]] on Thursday night, when I was looking for Hair and Keys to, well, vent, but he didn't want to interrupt my conversation with the dormmother, and when he next looked up from his homework, I was gone. He told me the next day, when I saw him numerous times, as I was following Ish around to classes. I saw him at the accreditation convocation, and in the spare time afterwards, and at chapel, and at lunch, where he sat next to me. Overall a good time, though I knew I would not see him that night, as it was his roommate's 21st birthdays, and the guys on his floor like to celebrate together, in style.

Anyway, come Saturday, and I was frustrated about the sitch and other things all week, and then my laptop got a trojan horse virus. I was trying to fix it with my brother, who was in Milwaukee, so I was on the phone for a long time after the virus attacked remote assistance. Before it was that bad, I had called the Ideal around 8, 8.30 to see what his plans were for the evening. I knew there was a birthday party thing for a friend of ours, but I didn't know if he was going [[I also got the impression from Ish earlier that I shouldn't assume I was invited to that, probably because the establishment planned upon doesn't allow underage people to come in, or some such thing].

The Ideal was good enough to call me back around 9, via trakfone. The group was planning to leave for this party around 9.30. but he could tell things were bothering me, and immediately asked if I was okay, and promptly ran over to my house, conveniently just as I finished fixing my computer with my brother. We talked with Princess in the hall for a little while, and then I grabbed a coat and we went for a walk.

We addressed my problems with other people and other things first [[not that he knew that there were problems involving him]]. I brought up the confusion involving Hair and Keys thinking I hated them after the play. We're now at least 10-15 minutes into our walk, I think, when I just point-blank said, "Do you intend to send mixed signals?"
the ideal: "what?"
amelie: "you. mixed signals."
the ideal: "to whom?"
amelie: "to me"
the ideal: "oh. no, I don't normally intend to send mixed signals to anybody, but I end up doing so to practically everyone."

And then I explained the whole trying not to read too much into things, because I figured it's just the way he acts, and I mentioned overthinking [which he completely understands, as he does the same thing] [[I did not go into every possible example of mixed signals. I didn't think that was necessary]] and then I explained how part of my problem with the supposed mixed signals was his initial response when I told him I like him.

I had to remind him what he said, and he was genuinely really sorry. He admitted completely that it was a yes-and-no answer, and a horrible one at that, and mentioned that he thought we'd discussed this since then, which we hadn't. He also mentioned something like, 'I guess I was trying to leave too many doors open, when some of them should have been shut, perhaps.' Then we kept talking, and were still walking, when we discovered I had made him late for catching a ride to this party, so I promised to drop him off there, as he was carless for a few weeks.

And then he answered the question for real. This point was the most awkward of any of it, and he pointed out how awkward it was. The answer was 'No, I'm not interested.' which is fine, and wonderful, and was immediately followed by my saying, 'And that's fine, because I have no problems being just friends with you.' And he seemed to think continuing on this friendship was a great idea. And then he mentioned, 'The thing is, though, I don't have a reason for saying no.' -- I wasn't aware he needed one. Is that the way things usually are? -- and I told him that, and he said he should've kept his mouth shut, but gave the example of two people breaking up, which he noted we were not doing, and how someone normally has a reason for ending things, or whatever, but mainly that he didn't have a reason for saying no. And that's the Ideal for you, honest, sometimes blunt, cynical, logical, sarcastic, etc. *not* one of the crowd.

And he and I kept walking and talking, and I did point out to him that he's one of my closest friends, and I hoped it was okay with him, and it seemed to be okay with him, though it strikes him as odd, because people he's normally close to are normally around [[I know, I know! It sucks]]. And actually, the fact that I'm not around much came up a couple of times, with the general consensus that it sucks. Then I apologized again for making things awkward again, and he said he didn't feel awkward at all, just at the one point [[I pointed to that part of the street where he felt awkward, as we were doubling back by now, having hit a dead end road]]. And he discussed part of the reason for the awkwardness, in worrying how I'd respond to his answer, because it was the kind of thing that would make other girls cry -- not that he thought I'd cry, but nonetheless a shall we say delicate issue. Somewhere along this, we also talked about that night in october when he was very blunt with me, and really helped me out when things weren't right with me. In fact, I started out this walk referencing that, saying I was somewhere back there again.

And as conversation and the walk ensued, we kept each giving different examples of how [whoever is talking] is not like most people -- which by and large the other person understood, as the other person is the same way... if that makes sense. Example: the overthinking, and being more logical and blunt and sarcastic than most people, are things that we both do. So one of us would reference it for oneself, and the other would confirm understanding of it since the other does the same thing. We agreed that we're largely on the same frequency, which is part of why we understand each other and get along so well.

Then we made it back to my house, and I grabbed keys. As we were leaving, my hip rang, and it was Ish telling me that they'd switched to a different establishment, the first being full, and at this different establishment, underage people could have water or soda and pizza or whatever so I could stay if I wanted. In the car, he asked if there was anything else unresolved between us, and I couldn't think of anything and he couldn't think of anything. And I apologized for awkwardness, but he didn't feel awkward with me and I didn't feel awkward with him. And then he apologized, because, as he said, 'This is really completely all my fault,' which I didn't entirely agree with, but things were good. At this point we got a call telling us to pick up a few people on campus, and when they got in, he welcomed them to our car [ha!]. He was doing a lot of possessing things that night; it was amusing.

I didn't actually decide to stay down there until we got there. Inside, a bunch of people realized it was my last night there, and I got mobbed with hugs. Besides which, I hugged Ish as per usual, and hugged one of our friends who was visiting for the weekend. And the Ideal came over a little bit later [he was sitting at the opposite end of things to avoid a visiting ex-girlfriend] and he started teasing me / giving me crap about all these hugs, given our conversations about too much hugging in the group, and how it was unnecessary to get hugged every five minutes. That he did that was an indication to me that things were fine and good between us.

At the end of the night, I gave him and a few other people a ride back up to campus, and then we said our goodbyes, as I wouldn't see him Sunday before I left. So I got my usual hug and drive safely and whatnot. And Sunday after I got back here, we talked on msn for a while, as per usual sundays, before he left.

And I really don't feel awkward with him at all, and by his account [which I trust, as he's one of those honest - blunt people except when he gives yes-and-no answers ^_- ] he doesn't feel awkward with me, either. I guess we'll see what happens when next I see him, but I don't anticipate anything other than our usual friendship, which is great.

Meanwhile, I'm so relieved to have this talk over with -- and the overthinking about mixed signals and whatnot, for that matter -- and so relieved and glad that we're still friends, and that I really can talk with him about anything, and vice versa.

This is all why I say it went well, and was as I expected. You should know me well enough by now to know that I was hardly about to think he was going to say yes, because it's me we're talking about here. But that's alright. Do you see what I'm saying? I'm not upset about this.

Furthermore, last night, he changed his personal messge to 'waiting for a miracle...' which involves trying to get a hold of the courtesy yes and confirm some sort of pseudo-date with her [[took a little bit before he was willing to come out and say what it was about, but needing a miracle and not having one covers a large range of potential problems, and I was concerned]]. I assured him that I think sooner or later he'll find the right one, because really, I do. After a bit of discussion about when breaks line up next year, and how little people in the group would see each other after graduation, we started asking each other random questions, like 'will you be around here for your birthday next year? [[to me]]'; 'if you weren't going to be a pastor, what would you do? [[to him]]'; 'if you could live in any country, where would you live and why? [[to me]]'; and the last: 'if I died tomorrow, would you be happy for me? [[to him]]' Oops.

This was, indeed, a random question, but I realized after sending it that it could be taken the wrong way. He answered the question, then asked if he needed to steal a car and drive up here... and mentioned being concerned that I was *planning* on dying on Tuesday. I humourously pointed out that the Abstract Algebra exam wasn't until Wednesday, which he thought gave him plenty of time. Then I flippantly said, 'Like you'd skip class for that :P' This was apparently the wrong thing to say, as he was becoming more and more concerned. I pointed out that I hardly thought that if I were planning my death, that this would be a random question. He was thinking a cry for help. I questioned what reasons I might possibly have to want to do that, and he asked if I needed to enlighten him as to anything. At this point, I realized how seriously he was taking this, and reassured him that I wasn't planning anything. He said he had been becoming concerned, truly, and that my 'question dodging' left a lot of unsurity, with a potential life on the line, but that it was okay, his heart was slowing down again. He accepted my apology for unnecessarily worrying him, and he wasn't angry, so long as I was okay. It's part of what he called his 'little known and seldom appreciated sensitive side.' I appreciate it.

So, long story short [too late], I'm just relieved to know, and I'm reasonably confident that, thankfully, this friendship isn't disappearing anytime soon. Poor guy. ^_-

Semesterness, Part Last.

2007-03-18T12:00:00.001-05:00

It's done.

Semesterness, Part Six Point Five.

2007-03-12T18:03:00.000-05:00

So... I'm feeling a bit better than I did during my last post. I saw the Ideal three times today. The first time, as he was rushing to class, he nearly walked right past without noticing me. The second, I was flying past on a flatbed cart, so there wasn't much opportunity to talk. The third, after work, I had been on the look-out for my dad, who had driven over to the college with me [or vice versa] that morning. I found him in his second home, the library. In meeting up with him and heading toward the exit, he was telling me what he still needed to do on campus before leaving, and I spotted the Ideal, sitting at a computer catalog.

So naturally, as my dad was finishing various tasks, I stayed behind and talked with the Ideal whilst he was searching for something through the catalogs. I did not bring up the Subject, as we were in a public place, there were people nearby, and my dad could arrive back to collect me at any point. So we talked about our days, and how worthless the catalog system was, which led him to describe it as 'telling you all sorts of information you don't want to know, in answer to a single question.' To which I responded, 'I know quite a number of people like that.' Ideal: 'Me too. But I know a very few people who aren't like that.' Me: 'Lucky you.' Ideal: 'Not really, since I don't get to spend much time with them, since they're usually in [town in which I go to college].' And no, he did not mean Princess; I flippantly checked, and in doing so, initiated a conversation about studying, during which he teased me about being so supersmart that I didn't need to study. Which led to a discussion about him teasing me, and how he varies on how much he does -- the closest we got to discussing the Subject.

It was a good, albeit brief, conversation, though unfortunately at the end, he was saying something along the lines of 'but no girl would be interested in me' [[?! 'Ullo, standing right next to you, interested as bloody well breathing...]] when my dad arrived to collect me. Last night, during our two-person walk, the Ideal mentioned something about how he isn't attractive [[significantly not true]] and during the four-person walk, something about how no girl would want to date him [[umm... hi?]]. It's just occurred to me now, was he fishing?

I don't know... but perhaps there will be an update tomorrow, depending on if I see him / talk to him. We'll see.

Semesterness, Part Six.

2007-03-11T22:32:00.000-05:00

In the realm of good news, I no longer have influenza. In the realm of news of the Ideal, here's tonight:

At 7.15 or so, the Ideal came online, which meant he was back in my hometown, back in his dorm room. He im-ed me less than 5 minutes later, asking if I was in town. Then he asked if I felt like going out and about for a bit, which I agreed to do. We started walking toward each other, along the usual route. He got farther than I did this time, so we headed back toward my house, to get a coat for me, as the sun was going down. [[Gotta love my practicality; influenza less than a week ago, and I'm going around thinking I'll be fine without a coat.]] He talked with Princess, and exchanged greetings with my father, and he invited Princess to aimlessly mill about with us, if she was too bored, but she opted not to do so, and requested we give her a call if we ended up with people, on campus.

We walked around, talking about this and that and whatnot. Nothing specifically about the two of us [[though I kinda feel like I should have brought it up]], but it was a quite enjoyable time, I think. We ended up on campus, and called Ish and Princess, and hung out in the lobby area, where people were coming in with their things. So sometimes, we'd talk to some of them. Whenever the Ideal talked to one of them, every couple of minutes, he'd glance back over at me, mid-conversation. I'm not sure what that means.

It got to the point when Princess wanted us to do something, and Ish, unknowing of the previous events of the night, suggested a walk. The Ideal and I smirked, and agreed. All four of us went walking around campus and the general area. One thing led to another in the conversation as we walked, and we ended up talking about girls being subtle instead of obvious. Ish pointed out that guys are just as guilty, and somewhat referenced his response to me, without coming out and saying, 'Well, what about when you responded to Am?' [[Point to Ish...]] This ended with him and Ish discussing -- I think; they didn't come right out and say it -- his having recently asked a girl out to dinner, and the response being what he thought was a courtesy yes. [[?!]] I don't know what bothered me more, his having done this [if he did] or his having not told me -- and with either option, still sending me mixed signals. [[well, tentatively mixed signals. I really kinda wish I'd talked with him about us on that walk, now..]] So, despite having a good night overall, a part of me died inside tonight, I think..

The evening ended with us all finding a place to sit down, before we ran into one of my coworkers on campus. He hooked us up with a wet vac, since Ish and I wanted to attack a large puddle by the dorm entryway. We did that for a while before the Ideal left to study and get to bed, and then we did it for a little while longer before our hypothesis about water from an adjacent walkway filling the area we had cleared came true. Then we called it a night.

As Princess and I were walking home, she asked what was up with the Ideal and me. I answered truthfully: 'I don't know.'

...

I feel like I should consider having a serious talk with him before I go back to college Sunday next, but I just don't know. I don't even know if I want to know, because, as it's me, I'm not terribly optimistic. This is really not conducive to relaxing and enjoying myself during break. And maybe I'm overreacting. But then again, maybe not.

[[ I'm not one for language, really, almost ever, but...]]

...

Damn.

Semesterness, Part Five.

2007-03-04T20:06:00.000-06:00

I got back up to school. Our birthdays [[four days apart]] passed quickly. He's now 21. When I turn 21 next year, I'll still be home on Christmas break, and he'll already be back for his last semester at the hometown college. Perhaps we'll go out for a drink [[though he's already told me that it'll be hard to forget that he's out drinking with the daughter of his favourite professor, instead of just out drinking with his friend Am.. though frankly, I hope by that point that it's his girlfriend Am..]].

In between the birthdays and my next weekend home, I discovered a whole new way of missing the Ideal: coffee. The smell of coffee makes me miss him. Not because he drinks it [[he doesn't, and neither do I]], but because in his dorm room he has a jar of coffee beans sitting there, and its only reason to be there is that he likes the smell of it. Every time I've been in there since he first unpacked it and showed it to me in August, I've walked over to the shelf, taken the jar, opened it, and breathed deeply. So when my roommate made herself some coffee and set it down next to me, the aroma drove me crazy with missing him. And I told him so, and his response was, 'I'm sorry ... you could come visit :)'. Fortunately or unfortunately [[or both]], this coffee association is a frequent occurrence.

The Ideal doesn't like to stereotype me. On our trip from Madison to the hometown, we had conversations in which some stereotypes took place [[there was one about most women and driving / directions, I think]], but to me, he has said, 'You are mostly uncharacteristic of most females,' which I take to be quite the compliment. [[Though one would think that, given how he doesn't like the way 98% of the girls on his campus act, I'd have better chances.]] Anywhen, sometimes when he's talking to me, he'll just randomly smile, for no reason at all but that talking to me is making him happy [[or so he's said, in a bit different wording, I think]]. When we were discussing memory, he not only said he'd tried hating me [jokingly], but it wasn't working, he also said, in response to my saying I could be nice, that he likes me either way, and that I keep him on his toes.

The next weekend I was to be home, he wasn't sure that I'd see him, as there were a number of things going on. He made it sound very much like it didn't matter, or wouldn't happen. Then, after a few days of no contact, he informed me that his computer had died, horror of horrors! He took the time out of his schedule to hunt down a friend with a computer with MSN on it [not so commonplace at this college] and talked to me via Cap'n Jack's computer for about an hour and a half. When he was leaving for the night, I said, 'maybe see you this weekend,' since he had seemed so sure he'd be too busy, and his immediate response was, 'you better.' He wouldn't go to bed until after I'd confirmed that I would see him.

A day later, I saw him. It was the weekend of Ish's birthday, and a bunch of us went out to Applebee's. A bunch of us ended up being about 7 girls and the Ideal. He was in charge of finding guys to go along, but apparently none were to be found, and meanwhile more girls were randomly showing up, finding out about the occasion, and inviting themselves along. Applebee's was really busy, and we had to sit in two back-to-back booths. I simplified matters by sliding in next to one of the girls, much to Cabbit's chagrin [[she wanted to observe the Ideal and I together, and gave me a look like 'why didn't you leave him the option of sitting by you?!']]. After the celebration, we ended up back up on campus via my car, Wesley, and about four of us ended up hanging out in the lobby together until 1ish [[these included, naturally, Ish, the Ideal, and myself]]. Before he headed up to bed, we arranged to hang out sometime on Saturday before Ish and I headed out of town to see a play that evening. Sunday we already knew was shot since he was travelling to the Seminary with other pastor-track guys. I agreed that it was my turn to call him [[especially as I didn't want another phone mishap, like last time when he didn't call my house]].

Saturday afternoon, I called him on his cell, which wasn't picking up service. I finally got him on his room phone. Turns out he was across the hall, playing video games with a couple buddies. When I asked if I should even bother coming over, he was rather apathetic -- though not just about that -- but I didn't let that deter me. After I got over there, we only had about an hour before I needed to take Ish to hang out with a sick Princess. I found the guys playing video games -- and when I got there, he bowed out and stopped playing. Now, those that know me know I don't mind watching my guy friends play video games like most girls do; in fact, I rather enjoy it, even if I'm not skilled enough to also play. But he stopped playing. To spend time with me. His roommate cleared out, and he put music on, and we just sat there, talking. Which was really rather nice. I was a bit sad when Ish showed up pretty much on time.

Part of our discussion had been about Cap'n Jack, who lately has wanted a hug from me every time he remembers that I'm in the room. This gets old. I used to be a 'hugs all the time' person, but now, I think hugs are reserved moreso for good, close friends. The Ideal is much the same way, and hates it when people are overly familiar with him when they barely know him. Both of us are somewhat annoyed by people who hug each other after not seeing each other for approximately five minutes. So when Ish came to collect me, I grabbed my stuff and was about to leave, when I remembered the coffee jar. Ish was already going down the hall, so I unscrewed it, breathed deeply, and restored it to its place, much to the Ideal's amusement. He, in the meantime, got up, and stood there, motioning to suggest a hug with his arms, as he asked, 'So... do I get a hug?' As if he needs to ask. Honestly. He can have as many hugs as he pleases, and then some. And I told him so. [[He told me later on MSN that he really enjoys talking to me, but he feels like a bad host, because he never has anything for us to do. [[foreshadowing]] And that the truth is, he really doesn't do much. Bless him. Sometimes doing nothing is as enjoyable as doing something.]]

Really enjoyed the fact that he stopped everything to hang out with me, and that he wanted a hug. When I was travelling with Ish that night, we kept ending up talking about my situation with the Ideal, and about the coffee, and such. She really enjoyed it, as I'm not a very sharing person [[and she's among my closest of friends, if that gives you any idea]]. She kept smirking at me.

After that weekend, I had a talk with Cabbit about that look that she gave me. She listened to how the parts of the evening that hadn't involved her had gone, as well as the rest of the weekend, and her only response to that huge monologue was: 'I think you should kiss him.' I laughed really hard after I read that, but I've kinda been thinking about it ever since..

Around 11 February, the Ideal got his computer up and running again, finally. He hadn't even finished installing programs before he was online, talking to me. As he installed, he asked how I'd been the past two weeks. Time elapsed between when he last saw me: 8 days, and I told him so. His response: 'Really? It feels like much longer ago! It's been so long since I talked to you.' At which point I had the pleasure of telling him that I'd be home that weekend [[which I had just found out that Sunday afternoon]]. Then he was all smiles, and said, 'I can hardly wait :)' and 'I'm so far behind [in schoolwork], but I might have enough done by the weekend so that we can hang out.. it's something to strive for, anyway.' Then, homework and sleep called, and I didn't hear from him until Thursday [[Sundays and Thursdays have become pretty unofficially regular for chatting. Even if he hasn't noticed.]]. I simply have to copy out some of Thursday's messaging:

the Ideal: are you presently present? I'm presently disappointed due to your presently not presentness. Your presently not presentness presents a present problem for someone who presently wishes to speak with a present friend.
and I clearly wasn't there, and when I fould it, he wasn't there, so my responses went like this:
amelie: are you presently present at the present time, as opposed to the previously present time when I was not present? I, too, am presently disappointed due to your presently not presentness, which does indeed present a present problem for someone present who presently returns wishes to speak with a present friend presently.
[[good God, we're insane.]]

Then we finally stopped playing im tag, and had a decent conversation, about the upcoming weekend, during which I'd be home, and about the next time I'd see him after that, which would be my spring break week. We've already discussed when we'll both be available to do things that week and weekend [[in that msn conversation, in person that weekend, on the phone since then... a lot. continually checking that it'll work, though maybe it's partly due to his bad memory]]. Then, as to the upcoming weekend, for which I was coming home because a cousin I hadn't seen in 12 years was going to be visiting in town. Friday I knew was pretty much shot by hanging out with my cousin and his wife [[which I don't regret in any way, as it was *wonderful*. I love my cousin]]. Saturday, I knew to be free. So we discussed Saturday. The Ideal then mentioned the play that was being performed on campus, and wondered if I'd be interested in seeing it. I knew nothing about it, but considered how we never actually have anything planned to do, I said if it was an idea such that he wouldn't feel like a bad host because it would give us something to do, I wasn't adverse to it. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to see it, but he left it open as an option for Saturday night. And that was that. The only other noteworthy point of this conversation was when he apologized for being a bit distracted by homework the whole time we were talking. I said I was getting used to it, I guessed, and he fully apologized again, saying I shouldn't have to get used to him being only half attentive.

The next time I heard from him was Saturday night. We had Ish over for homemade Chinese, and I was taking her back to campus as I headed over to hang out. I mentioned to her that I hadn't heard from the Ideal since Thursday night, and I wondered what was going on, as the play started in 15 minutes. I hadn't called him, because I thought he might have been working. Then, who should call Ish, but the Ideal himself. He was seeing if she needed a ride to church in the morning, and she immediately threw in there that she was with me, we had arrived on campus, and that if we were planning on going to the play, she wouldn't be coming, as she'd seen it the night previous. [[as Cabbit said later, smooth work, Ish.]] So he and I met up in the lobby, and headed over to the play. On the way, he commented on how none of the usual others were around that night, so it made sense for us to go to the play.

We got to the auditorium, and I got in there first, so I paid for myself [[so I really don't know if he'd have volunteered to pay for me; kinda wish I'd been second, just to see]]. Once inside, we didn't have much time to decide where to sit, but I followed his lead. This auditorium has a main aisle about 1/3 of the way up from the first row, and the aisle crosses the entire room, separating front and back. Most of the people were sitting in the front. There were maybe 5 people in the back. He chose a spot in the front of the back, if that makes sense, so we were all to ourselves. Which is a good thing, because we spent the entire time critiquing the play -- the acting, the lines, etc. This doesn't surprise anyone that knows either or both of us. There were a couple of times we were a bit loud in our commentary, too, so I'm especially glad we were removed from other people, as we might have offended a family member of the cast.

Intermission came, and we merely stood up as other, more crowded people, milled in front of us in the main aisle. Two of his friends from his floor passed us, smirking, until the Ideal called them back, and the four of us chatted about the play thus far. A couple other people I knew walked by, and we chatted as well. Then back to more critiquing [[ there was a lot to critique, and the Ideal has my kind of sense of humour, so it was a very good time]]. After the play, we met up with Hair, Keys, and a couple other of the girls in our group of friends. I had had no idea they were even there, actually. We all chatted in the auditorium for about 30 minutes before deciding to go to Hair's room to hang out. [[Somewhere in that interval, the Ideal ushered me out of the row, so that we were more with the girls.]]

Now, the Ideal had to return a call on his cell *and* had to sign in to come up to Hair's room, so the rest of us girls got up there first. Keys shut the door, and told me she had to ask me a question. I figured it would be about if I liked the Ideal, which I knew she knew, or about whether or not the play was a date [[about which I had no idea]]. Turns out her question was, 'Do you not like Hair and me?' Imagine the look upon my face. She proceeded to explain, 'Because the Ideal was talking to me about taking off work tonight [[aww! he didn't tell me he did that ^_^]], and when I asked him why, he said, "Oh, I have to hang out with Am,"' -- at which point I interjected, 'Have to? Hmm, interesting choice of words,' to which she replied, 'Oh, he didn't say have to, sorry, but that he was going to be hanging out with you, and when he said that you two might go see the play, I told him that we were going too, and asked if you guys wanted us to save seats for you, so we could all sit together, and he made it sound like you didn't like us, or didn't like crowds, basically, that you wouldn't be sitting with us, so we wondered if you really didn't like us, or if the Ideal was making that up.'

I filled her in on the fact that I didn't know we were going till 15 minutes beforehand, and the entirety of what we'd said about it on Thursday when we chatted -- which had no reference to Hair and Keys at all. Admittedly, the Ideal knows that I'm moreso used to hanging out with guys than with girls, and that the laugh of one of the girls scares me, and that they're all more giggly than I am, but I've never said I didn't like them or wouldn't want to sit by them. We had to stop there, as he then showed up, but after open dorm hours ended, we speculated as to why he would work to make it so that he and I were sitting by ourselves -- because that's effectively what he had done. Could it be that he wanted to sit alone with me? [[we wondered]] or could he have just done it because he knew that I'd want to sit alone with him, since he knows I like him -- but if he didn't want that to happen, if he didn't like me, why would he help me out like that? It certainly leaves things open to speculation, and adds to the list of mixed signals.

Anywhen, after he got there, everyone ended up sitting in a circle. Now, when he got up there, I was still standing by the door with Keys. So, to let him into the room, I stepped aside, and then went clear to the other side of the room and sat down on the floor against the bedframe. No one else was really sitting at this point, but still, the Ideal came in, propped open the door with his shoe, as is protocol, and came over and sat down next to me. Naturally, this made me happy. Then the rest of the girls filled in the circle. Eventually, we all started playing catchphrase, which I'd never even heard of before, and one of the times I flipped the disc over, it aligned so that it gave him 'bedroom eyes', which he accused me of doing on purpose [[I did not!]]. This was made even more humourous by the fact that he didn't know what bedroom eyes were.

It was a great time, but midnight was quickly approaching, at which point, he had to leave and sign out in the lobby. I went out into the hall with him, and he wanted to know if I was leaving now, or going to stay with the girls. I put it to him as an option: either I stay with the girls, or I come down to the lobby and hang out more with him, where we can, but I figured he'd want to get to bed, as he hadn't slept well the night before, and as he had early church the next morning. I guessed right, but I still walked him downstairs. He signed out, and I got another one of those hugs, and as we stood there talking, Cap'n Jack jumped over a couch and went, 'Ahh! Am!' with his arms outstretched, and then he stopped short, glancing back and forth at the Ideal and myself. I'm delighted to say we were both giving him strange looks. So Cap'n Jack said, 'Okay, I don't want to interrupt, so I'm just wondering if I can please have a hug, and then I'll leave and you two can get back to your conversation..?' So I complied, and he did just that. Amusingly, he later told me that the looks we gave him were basically that I was just calling him for being strange [[ to which he replied in his head: Oh great, she's going to be difficult]] and that the Ideal was giving him a 'What do you think you're doing here?' look, to which he replied in his head, 'Easy, there, man, I'm just going to give her a hug, that's all, honest. Then I'll leave. Nothing to worry about.' He proceeded to make the Ideal seem very protective, and very possessive, of me, and I can't say I mound the analogy in the least bit. Cap'n Jack then continued to tell me that he would understand the Ideal being protective, what with a guy jumping over a couch to hug the girl *he* was talking with. After Cap'n Jack got his hug and left, we chatted a little longer, I got one more hug, and then we parted ways. When I ended up back upstairs, all the girls were waiting for me -- Hair, Keys, Pals, and a couple others -- and we started discussing him, naturally. A few of them didn't know that I like him, but once they knew that, they were all about analyzing pretty much anything that I told them had occurred -- from sitting by ourselves at the play by his choice, to when he walked me to my car, to the phone conversations -- over an hour and a half they couldn't believe, as he's apparently not that much into the phone with any of them -- to the things he says to me. Keys cited the time he complained about not having a girlfriend in front of me -- she wanted to slap him for me. So his mixed signals and inconsistencies and the beauty of his original yes-and-no answer were generally discussed, with few results. But it was a good time, and hopefully time will tell...

Once back up at school, we were in the midst of our usual Sunday night, when he kept getting phone calls when I was free. During one break, I mentioned that I hoped he didn't feel he *had* to hang out with me [[just in case Keys was right about her wording]] and he said 'I don't feel like I have to hang out with you, which is why I'm puzzled when you thank me for hanging out with you as though it were something horrible that I had to do.' [[Yes, I do thank him. Because I enjoy myself, everytime, and I want him to know I appreciate it when he does take time to hang out with me.]] Eventually during a phone call, I had to leave to do homework with a math group, and he came back shortly afterward, to say, 'Ok, I'm back, sorry about that. That's twice in one night; I owe you. ... Well, I ... guess I deserve for you to not be here anymore. I feel so bad. I'm sorry, Am.'

Then the rest of the week, he had exams before his two week spring break started [[as a frame of reference, he's halfway through that break now, which means that just he returns to school from his, I'll be starting my weeklong break and home. Just 5 more days till I'm home, and just 6-7 until I see him again]]. I left him a note about safe travels, given the weather, and his response Friday morning was this: 'Thanks. I hope to be online a bit in the next two weeks, but if my mom's computer doesn't have msn, I won't be, so ... yeah. Take care, and we'll chat when I get back if not before (I suppose there's always the phone....) :)' [[His mom's computer is a dinosaur that wouldn't be able to really handle msn messenger very well at all.]] Naturally, I tried to make sure that he had my dorm room phone number, as my trakfone doesn't work up here.

This past Monday, I started feeling the effects of a bad cold coming on. Tuesday [[a presentation day, joy]], it was worse. I had a cough that would not stop, and a headache of horrible proportions. But I was still going to class. Wednesday, I was found passed out on the bathroom floor by the roommate and two other girls. I remember drying my hands, feeling dizzy, light-headed, and really warm, and grabbing for the sink, to no avail. That's the second time in my life that I've passed out. They convinced me to go to health services, and tried to convince me to skip classes that day, though I kept insisting I'd be fine. They made me promise to ask the doctor. The doctor informed me that I had a 102.5 degree fever; I wasn't going to be allowed to go anywhere, except back to bed with medication, as I had -- delight of delights -- influenza, and was in my third day of it. This didn't give me much of anything to do for the past few days, besides lie there, coughing, burning up, sleeping, feeling like death warmed over, and thinking about him. It got to the point where I felt a bit better, and decided to start typing up the post to end all posts [[not really, but the post to bring all events Ideal-related up-to-date]].

Friday night, a group of the floor went down to the main lounge to watch The Departed. That was nice, because even when I was sick, our room was a hang-out place, and I sometimes didn't have room to stretch out and be comfortable whilst sick. Apparently, no one is afraid of germs [[though I didn't expect the roommate to be, bless her. She did a great job taking care of me]]. So when they all left to watch the film, I had some time to myself. Now, I had tried calling the Ideal the night before, since that night had been Thursday, but his cell was off due to a church concert he was at. Thus when Friday night arrived and gave me some free time to myself, I seized the opportunity, and called the Ideal. This time, I got a hold of him, and we had a wonderful hour - hour and a half conversation before we decided to each go to bed. He was a bit shocked by my influenza story, especially the part about passing out. We again confirmed that he'd see me when he got back to the hometown, and the last thing he did, bless him, was order me to get better, so that I'd be healthy when he next spoke to me and saw me. Nothing has made me feel better in the past week of sickness than talking with him that night did.

Amusingly, my friend Keep has been trying to figure out my feelings for the Ideal -- how deeply they run, whether or not they're unrequited, etc. -- because, he says, he's been through loving someone for over two years, and he said it pained him. Our circumstances are rather different though, I think, given she told Keep from the beginning that she never wanted to be anything other than friends, and she sent him no mixed signals. Her feelings on the subject were perfectly obvious. Talking with her brought him pain, yet talking with the Ideal brings me great happiness [[even if a little frustration comes with it every so often...]]. Maybe it's also because, despite my personality, I still feel like there's hope in this situation, which is something he didn't really have.

So, there you have it, my interested [[or potentially bored]] readers. That's as much of the story as I can think to tell you. I'm sure I've left out some details, but I tried to give you a picture of what's been going on in my life [[well, at least one aspect of my life]]. Now that you've had the time to read it all to date, I'm interested to know what you think about it all. Am I being ridiculous thinking there's something there? Should I give up? Take action? Or just let things progress as they have been, whether to a relationship or a continued great friendship? Or am I just reading too much into it, and you feel that there were no mixed signals, no points of confusion, and that I should recognize rejection? As things continue to happen, I'll leave you know what happens with the Ideal, but for now, I've said all I'm going to say about it, so it's your turn.

Semesterness, Part Four.

2007-02-21T13:20:00.000-06:00

Wow, it's been a while, eh? Sorry about that. Classes, homeworks, seeing the Ideal twice between then and now, ... things have been a bit busy. Anywhen, we were at the point where I had thought up a great idea that would never get off the ground. Thus I didn't tell it to anyone. In addition, I found out my brother started merely a day before the Ideal did for the semester. So I gave up on the idea, and went home for Christmas break. My brother, being in the middle of a trimester, wasn't home for a couple more days. I was told to call him whilst he was travelling back home, and when I got a hold of him, one of the things he told me was about this idea he had had...

I love my brother.

So, his idea ran like this: He started school again on Monday, 8 January. Our mutual Madison friends were hosting a LAN party the weekend just before then. He knew I wouldn't be too into the LAN party, necessarily, but that I'd want to see people, and to spend time with Moses and his fiancee, A`, for whom I am a bridesmaid. At this point in the planning, he wasn't sure it would happen, and he was also conscious of the fact that I would need a way to get back home, and that I couldn't do that with him. Thus, he thought either we'd each drive a vehicle there at the same time, or that I could see if one of my friends from the area going to the college in our hometown could give me a ride back, and then I'd go with him. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. I love how I didn't even say anything, and he had the same thought.

I first checked with Moses and A` to make sure A` was free and up for hanging out with me. She was, and was even up for going bridesmaid dress shopping with me [[bless her]]. Then I called the Ideal, and got his voicemail. I don't even remember the message I left him, except that I didn't just come out and say what the favour was that I was asking, because I wanted to ask him phone-to-phone, as opposed to just leaving a message.

He called me back the next day, and one of his first questions was, 'So, were you high when you left that message?' Followed by a lot of chuckling. [[Oops. I really wonder what exactly I said, now.]] Then I asked him, and, due to a change in passenger arrangements between two cars, he had an open seat in his car! So of course he said yes, being the nice guy he is. Besides which, he knew that I don't sleep in cars, so I'd be a marked improvement over the trip home that he had, when all passengers slept instead of keeping him company and helping him stay awake! He also upgraded me to the front seat, so that he wouldn't have to sit with either of the freshmen guys, because, well, they're freshmen. I promised to get him directions to a rendezvous point to which Moses would take me Monday morning [[as the Ideal was to start second semester on Tuesday, not Monday]].

We proceeded to chat about our respective Christmases, and Christmas break plans, and work, and whatever else we thought of. And whatnot. For between 1.5 and 2.5 hours. Instead of just my asking for the favour of a ride from Madison to the hometown, and his responding in the affirmative. And it was during suppertime, but still we stayed on the phone. It was delightful [[though apparently surprising according to some of our friends, but more on that later, in Semesterness, Part Five...]].

I was so excited for this trip! I got to see Madison friends [[shout-out to Moses and Maria, the only two people who know about this blog; I think you both still read it..]], I got to spend more time with A` than I ever have before, and -- we found a suitable purple bridesmaid dress, bride-approved! How awesome is that? I even got to spend some time with Maria when we went to get food for people. That was good, and well-needed [[except maybe the jumping part, but that was, admittedly, hilarious]]. In addition, A` and I went to church Sunday morning, which always makes me happy. Sunday evening, at Moses' house, I finally met his parents. For the first time. I've known him this long, and it took until last month for me to meet his parents. Crazy.

And then came Monday morning. Moses took me to the rendezvous point, and waited with me until they got there. Interestingly enough, Moses took one look at the Ideal, and asked me, 'How old is he?' I proceeded to explain that he's almost exactly 1 year older than I am, so he was 20, almost 21 [[21 now.. apparently, Moses thought he looked older. I blame the scruffiness, which still looked good...]], and Moses told me, 'I don't trust him.' Talk about protective-brother-type. [[Love you, Moses. Not making fun of you, honest.... ^_-]] I introduced them, we packed my stuff in by my feet, and off we went.

Imagine yourself in my situation: your Ideal, with whom you are very good friends besides, is giving you a ride back home. A 6 hour car ride. You, your Ideal, and two freshmen guys in the back. Two quiet, listening freshmen guys in the back.

We talked a lot. A lot. But not anything too ... personal, as in not anything about things between the two of us. Because there were freshmen guys. In the back. [[Awkward turtle, anyone?]] I rather wanted to bring it up after he was complaining about how much he hates 'yes-and-no' answers -- he hates them, he who gave me the best example of a 'yes-and-no' answer back at the end of August?! I really hated to pass by that opportunity to remind him, and to discuss that, but I was not going to do that at the beginning of the trip, and I was not going to do that with freshmen in the back, listening in. But we talked about the rest of our breaks, our families, our travels, people we knew that would be getting married soon, people whose weddings we were standing up in, occupations, driving, friends, things that drive us crazy, etc. We're a lot alike, he and I. We're often on the same frequency; having the same understanding of what is meant, and what should be, and such. But also, we didn't talk constantly. There were some stretches when it was just the music -- and they were comfortable conversational lapses. I love that those can happen, and do happen. That doesn't work with everyone.

We stopped along the way, at a Subway, for lunch. One of the freshmen -- someone I knew from back in grade school, a year below me in school [[small world]] -- gave us a coupon that would expire the next day, and that he wasn't planning on using. It was one of those buy one get one free deals. So the Ideal and I each got 6 inch subs, tailored to our wants [[I've never been through the line at a Subway before, so I pretty much followed his lead on the bread and such, though I had mine super plain. Meat, bread, maybe some cheese? I'm typically a meat and bread sandwich person; I don't pile on all sorts of other stuff on a regular basis]]. At this point, I also gave him some gas money, which I had sealed in an envelope. [[Amusingly, before I left on Friday, my mother asked me how much I was planning on giving him for gas for the trip. I held up the already filled envelope, and asked her to tell me how much she thought I should give him, and then I'd show her what I put in the envelope. She said $20. I opened the envelope and showed her the $20 inside. Can I predict my mother or what?]] Turns out I should have waited for the end of the trip for giving him that, because he became very curious about the envelope, sealed and marked 'fuel', and kept trying to figure out if it was a check or cash, and if the latter, one denomination, or several. When I informed him that it was the former of the latter, he said, 'It better not be more than $10, otherwise I'm not letting you pay me for lunch.' So I got a free lunch. ^_^

Every time we had to get back on the Interstate, the guys kept checking to see if we should go east, as they didn't want to go back to school yet; they wanted to go home. In fact, they make that trip more often than I do, but I'm the one that kept us on track, taking the correct exits and whatnot. [[Which is good, because we had to get one of the freshmen guys couldn't be late for basketball practice.]] At one of these occurrences, I pointed out that for one person in the car [[read: me]], home actually was in the opposite direction than where they wanted to go -- my home was west. Immediately, the Ideal offered me his sister's room at home. Tempting, but basketball practice...

We got back to town, and got the guys back to their dorm. I helped the Ideal unload his stuff and take it up to his room. Some guy tried jokingly to stop me, saying I wasn't signed in to open dorm hours, and I shot him down by responding, 'I work here. I have keys to more places on campus than you do.' The other guys standing there made fun of him after that. It was pretty amusing. Afterward, the Ideal took me to my house -- I wouldn't tell him which way to go, but he found it on the first try -- so that I could get my stuff into my house. Now, I had a small bag with the weekend's clothing and such -- and by small, I really do mean small -- and a purse, in addition to my coat [[which it was too warm to wear]] and my bridesmaid dress. The Ideal wanted to help me carry my stuff in. I had stuff I could've carried with one hand, and he wanted to help. So naturally, I flippantly asked him, smirking all the while, 'Do you want to carry my dress?' And, he did. He almost hooked the hanger onto the front of his shirt to 'wear' it -- and probably would have, had I not mentioned that Moses had already done that.

We got rid of my stuff, and headed back over to campus, with Princess in tow, now. I must say, that was rather annoying, and not just from the standpoint of there being an extra person along. Whilst he called his mom to let her know we made it fine, she had the audacity to start signalling -- right in front of him! -- her queries as to whether or not he and I were dating -- because apparently I looked too happy. Forgive me for enjoying my last 6+ hours with him!

We finished off the afternoon by hanging out in Ish's room -- where he told me one of the reasons he had been laughing during the drive [[besides having a good time]]. He and I had both been wearing sunglasses with our glasses [[yes, we're both blind without glasses]]. His were clip-ons, and mine were magnetic. Apparently, what with the bumpy road, my magnetic sunglasses had been kinda fluttering back and forth -- and it made it look like I was batting my eyelashes. I wasn't, for the record... Then, Princess and I had to go home for supper, lest my father actually think the Ideal had kidnapped me, like I said in the note I left at home when we dropped off my stuff.

During the week, I continued working on campus, and saw him here and there -- but never close enough to actually say anything. It was like playing tag all week. Friday night, he had his friends' Christmas exchange party thingus. Ish was supposed to be there, but she was over at our place watching House. I did actually end up on campus that night, but Ish and I ended up ranting together until about 1.45 in the morning, in her room [[well after open-dorm hours]]. And by rant, I mean a lot about the Ideal [[from me]] and a lot about Cap'n Jack [[from Ish; he's her ex]]. It would've been a much better time had her roommate not butted in. Anyway, Saturday night saw the Ideal playing some D&D with a group of guys, since as a surprise one of their friends was visiting. I helped some of the girls make monster cookie bars, which we took up there after we'd had our fair share. The Ideal and I arranged that we should hang out on Sunday, since I didn't leave to go back to college until Monday. He was supposed to call me -- at home first, then cell if I wasn't there.

Sunday, Cap'n Jack came over and chopped up chocolate for making fudge. Upstairs on this laptop, the Ideal asked if I was around [[clearly, a message I didn't get until much later]]. Then he called my trakfone, which was sitting charging next to my computer [[clearly, didn't hear that from downstairs]]. He did *not* call my house. He instead called Ish to see if she knew where I was or if I was with her. Finally, I got his message, but at that point it was too late to do anything until evening -- which is when he planned to do homework. But did I let that stop me? Naturally not. I went over to campus Sunday night, and hung out with the Ideal and two of our mutual girl friends, Key and Hair, as they all did homework, and I drew pictures.

I think my favourite [[/sarcasm]] part of this occasion was when the Ideal was complaining about not having a girlfriend. I wanted to be like, ' 'Ullo? I'm over here.... hearing this...' [[As Key told me just the other night, she couldn't believe he said that, especially in front of me.]] Anywhen, he had to leave super early as open dorm hours end much earlier on Sunday nights, so we said our good-byes and happy early birthdays [[4 days apart]]. Then I hung out with Hair, as Key was still doing homework. We went looking for various people, and then ended up in her room. And started discussing all of this. Apparently after that end of August conversation, the Ideal had told Key and Hair about it [[to what extent, I don't know; I just know that they knew that I like him]]. But he neglected to mention his response -- that wonderful yes-and-no response. In case you've forgotten, it goes like this:

what you're waiting for is a reaction from me....
and I would say that at this point I am feeling pretty much neutral toward you....
if that makes sense. We have talked a lot, but I still don't really feel like I
know you (on account of spending very little time together face to face)...
not opposed to a future relationship (if that's what you were thinking), but neither
am I inclined to start anything right now.

So I told Hair about that. She was shocked. And appalled. I think her favourite segments were 'neutral' and 'not opposed to a future relationship' [[I mean, I know those have to be my favourite parts]]. Then I told her about the time he walked me to my car. She thought that was suspect, as well. And she knows him quite well. It was a good conversation about all of that, which was, again, interrupted by people coming in and staying to chat.

This was not, however, the only time I ended up talking with Hair about this. In fact, just this last weekend, we had a number of girls, Key and Hair included, trying to figure out what was going on -- especially concerning a certain play the Ideal and I went to see together... alone... but that's a story for another time. I feel like I've been writing all day [[in all honesty, I've been adding to this all day, so I guess I have]]. You may be thrilled to hear that we're almost caught up. I've just brought us to the beginning of this semester. I still have two weekends home to cover, as well as some possible msn conversations, but otherwise, things are almost up to speed. Considering how intriguing I find the play situation from this past weekend, you might be able to expect the next update, Semesterness, Part Five, to have a shorter time interval before it than the last, with my apologies again about the lateness of this one...

Semesterness, Part Three

2007-01-31T18:34:00.000-06:00

Cut to the end of October. I've been back up at school since that Tuesday, and the only contact has been the occasionaly msn conversation. I was bummed. Aside from that, I was bummed. I was in one of those moods in which, frankly, I've spent most of my life. But. Something didn't seem right, and I couldn't put my finger on it. In addition, I was getting to the point of trying to convince myself that there was no way the Ideal liked me, or would start liking me, so I was determined to resign myself to fate. I even put 'resigned to fate' as my personal message on msn.

And we started talking. About having people problems, which morphed into my saying that I'm sick of myself, and led to a mention of resigning myself to fate, though I didn't say about what. And he was frustrated, I could tell, because we both were having issues, but he wanted me to go first, and I'm notorious for not sharing.

I know that's a curious thing to say on a blog -- "I'm notorious for not sharing" or 'I don't like talking about myself.' But really, it's true, because I always think that I'm boring the person with whom I'm talking, or monopolizing the conversation, or preventing them from talking, and frankly, I think they're more important than I am.

Back to the point, this conversation was decidedly brief, as I had a Linear Algebra study session to go to, but we thought we might chat later, perhaps -- at least, it was perhaps until I said, "*shrug* no big deal if you're not [back later]; it's just me," which was met by a string of responses:

the ideal: 'what's that supposed to mean?
'don't even answer that.
'i will be back later.'

And he was. And he turned it into a vigourous Q&A mission, which I was quite adept at sidestepping, I'm almost ashamed to admit. And as he said later, normally when people dodge a question, you try once more and then let it go, or they open up. I dodged at least 4 times, and still...

the ideal: so what's eating you?
amelie: life
the ideal: that's kind of broad. i'm not going to laugh at you. it's ok to share. i can't guarantee that i can help, or that i'm full of wise advice, but i can listen.
amelie: i'm just resigning myself to the fact that some things aren't going to happen, even if i want them to.
the ideal: that's still pretty vague. [insert a bunch of humourous questions]
...
the ideal: you're a tightly sealed clam. no joke. i know, because that's the way i often am. people can't help unless they know what's going on.
and it sucks to walk through life alone.
especially when you have friends who would kill to be able to help.
i'm not alone in my concern here. believe it or not, there are a few of us, at least, who care.
and if i'm not the one you can open up with, Ish is around too. and i'm sorry for that last part.
i'm just telling you how i feel. it's hard to build a friendship when one party does all the sharing. [[*emphasis my own, as that statement haunts me. he's right. ]] but i'm not leaving here until you tell me to.
...
the ideal: i do care, and i am trying. i'm not the most socially adept person myself...
...
the ideal: let me tell you what's going through my mind right now. i'm no expert, but i've observed a lot of people [[as have i, as he well knows]]. i've helped some close people through some serious sh*t, and i myself have walked through some nasty stuff. please bear with me for a second, this might hurt.
i want you to tell me what's going on. not because i have this need to know the latest and best about everyone. not because i'm going to remember every detail about our conversation. not because. not even because i care (i do care. a lot. but that isn't why i want to know what's going on). I want you to talk to me because i have a feeling you can't.
it feels like every muscle and fiber of your being screams NO at the slightest thought of sharing your feelings, because somehow you've been convinced that no one cares and no one loves and no one wants to know. stop me if i'm wrong. but i've been where i just described, and it sucks. and if that's where you are right now, i want you to follow me to someplace else.
and if it isn't where you are right now, we can end this conversation, and i'll trust that you are just feeling down about things you just don't want to share with me.
that was probably more blunt that i've been in a long time with anyone, but i only said it because i do care. i'm here until you want me to leave.

[[I am so glad I have a friend in him. Even if we're never anything but friends, good God, what a friend!]]

And I launched into how things were making me feel lately, and even was honest enough to say:
amelie: another part of the problem i have identified, especially in taking with a friend last week for 2.5 hours on the phone, is coming to terms with the fact of you, and that's silly, and ridiculous, and probably not worth bringing up right now, but you very bluntly told me to spill it or else, so there it is, as part of the rest of it.
i've been restless, i've been uneasy, i've been sick, i've been cross -- crosser than usual, it comes off as, i guess.
the ideal: so is this the core problem or something on the side? (if you don't mind my probing)
amelie: if i knew, i'd tell you
the ideal: fair enough
you don't have to answer any of my queries. i'll still car about you. i respect your right to privacy. i'm just trying to help.
so why are you being so down on yourself?
....that was a bad question
amelie: if you had any idea how often i'm down on myself
the ideal: i could guess, and it isn't pretty
i don't know what events or people in your past convinced you that you are not good enough in whatever way. i don't want to dig them up. but you have to find a way around them. and that's not an easy thing to do. may the reason i feel so forecfully about this is because i spent 17 years of my life that way.
ultimately, Jesus Christ loved you, YOU PERSONALLY, so much that he knit you together with love in your mother's womb. He endured in silence the mockery, the shame, the nakedness, the fatigue, the stripes, the blood, the pain, the HELL, in its most literal sense, for YOU. He loves you. that's reason enough to seek a reason to love yourself.
don't insult of think light of what He gave you. He gave it to you for a reason. whether it's your body, your soul, your mind, your talents, your treasures, or your lot in life. it is sufficient, it is good, it is beautiful. He does not burden you with a load you cannot bear.
i honestly know the long and nasty road to get to a place where you can look at yourself as a creation of God and love yourself. i know the void that comes from not loving yourself and from not letting anyone else love you. the only way to fill the void is Christ. there's no counselor who can fix that problem and no therapy that will help. only Christ. but Christ is more than enough.
i speak as one who is healed, but i also speak as one who still feels that void now and then. only Christ can fend it off. He is there for you, and with him so are your friends, i and ish, especially.
He was crushed for you; don't think he doesn't love you, and don't think he isn't working for your eternal good.
and Am, thanks for sharing with me.
[[again, the wonderful friendship. thank you, God, for him. in addition, i think he'll make a great pastor.]]
...
the ideal: i would say some things to K in the same way i spoke to you tonight, but he mostly hates me (which i was afraid you might choose to do) because i can read him with surgical exactness (i spent a long time in his shoes, too, whether he wants to believe it or not).
[[background for the latter part: K liked Ish for forever and a day.]]
amelie: but my hating you is not likely, unfortunately for you
the ideal: i wouldn't want you to hate me

Following this, we discussed the lack of talking about me, in general, of which my favourite segments are:
the ideal: except that sometimes we really just want to talk about you. :)
amelie: but why?? silly people who care about me.
the ideal: and if it's a big deal to you, then it is a big deal, and even if it's a small deal, we still care.
i never claimed to be ... not silly...
now who's stuck with whom? to paraphrase a comment you once made to me.
[[background: he'd been having a horrible time of things, and told me i'd want to not talk to him, as he was irritable, amongst other things. but i told him i'd never leave unless he really wanted me to, and that he was stuck with me [poor him]. apparently that stuck with him, so to speak.]]

He did so much for me that night. And he put me in front of studying Hebrew vocs, which may not sound like a lot, but it really is. The Ideal is a studious guy. Really, really studious. Ridiculously studious. [[Now you see why I'm attracted to him -- ha!]] But anyway, entirely new outlook on things, particularly things pertaining to me. I felt better after that than I had in .... I felt better after that. And he knew, and he helped. God bless him.

I missed seeing him at Thanksgiving break by a lack of communication; I didn't think he'd be back, and he didn't think I'd still be around. It would've only been about an hour, but that's something. That's human contact, and considering he spent nearly all of Thanksgiving break in a deerstand, I was led to believe human contact would've been nice.

On an amusing turn of events, after I was back up at school, he had me edit a paper for one of the classes he had for my father. I believe it was the Greek class, not the Latin class. I was editing a paper using Microsoft Word comment inserts, and sending it back to him less than 24 hours before my dad would see it. Our secret, that Princess naturally spilled the next time we were home..

Which was the weekend after Thanksgiving [[as in, the first weekend in December]]. Princess and I went home to set up the tree and bake cookies and such, as Christmas decorations are not allowed to begin until 1 December at the earliest in our household. I of course spent as much time as possible over visiting Ish and friends, and the Ideal, who by this point was rather scruffy. And he looks good scruffy. Ahem.

Anyway, Friday night involved entering a dorm basement lounge area and having no less than 20 people shout out my name happily. And some came running at me to bombarde me with hugs. A little bit unnerving, to say the least. I didn't stick around terribly long. Saturday night involved viewing X-Men III in the Ideal's room, and staying out later afterwards in the lobby, talking with the Ideal, K, and M. Although a lot of that was K and M talking together, and the Ideal and I talking together. Sunday saw me stop by once more to say good bye, and to be confused by certain people slipping away from the last 30 minutes of conversation, only to have to be hunted down for the actual good bye when I had to leave for college again. I knew I wouldn't see the Ideal again until he came back from Christmas break for his spring semester, which would begin a week before mine.

Now, for quite some time, an excellent idea had been fermenting in my mind. I was under the impression that my brother started school around 3 January. My dear brother goes to school in Milwaukee. Ideally, I was thinking I could head back to Wisconsin with him, stay with friends in the Madison area, and then get a ride back with either Cap'n Jack or the Ideal [[you can guess at the preference]] when they headed back for college in my hometown around 9 January. I was hesitant to mention the idea to anyone, as I was sure it wouldn't work, and would never happen anyway.

But..

There's more to this story, of course, but that will continue in Semesterness, Part Four [[even if it's technically after the semester; these posts have clearly followed a main aspect of my semester]].

Semesterness, Part Two

2007-01-13T17:07:00.000-06:00

Close to the end of September, I was going to be heading home for the first time since I had told the Ideal that I like him. He had already had a rough week in between, from a number of different venues, and I was looking forward to seeing him for Theatre Physics. And then he had to work, and didn't really expect to see much of anyone because of it. [Like I'd let that stop me..]

He and I arranged to hang out that Saturday afternoon before he worked and before I drove people to a pre-Physics cookout. We walked to a soccer game with Princess, who then left to study O-Chem. For part of the end of the game, it was just the two of us, and then he was introducing me to a few of his friends, with whom we walked back to campus. They went their own ways, preparing for the cookout and Physics, and the Ideal and I sat in the lobby reading the newspaper together, until it was time for us to part ways. We didn't expect to be back from post-Physics pie until late, so he asked me if he'd see me on Sunday before I went back.

The cookout was wonderful, Theatre Physics was good [though not as good as last year], and pie was an enjoyable time. Given the number of people we had, we didn't stay nearly as long this year, and thus we made it back in time for Ish and I to head over to the Ideal's room to bother him. Which we did. [Actually, which I did, because...] Ish got there and collapsed in a comfy chair, exhausted and out of it. He and I talked and alternated staring at each other and staring at Ish until we convinced her to go to bed. He walked us downstairs to sign out, and we watched Ish stumble her way toward her room -- not tipsy, just ridiculously tired.

I made some comment about how I supposed I should make sure she didn't fall over whilst attempting to get into her bunk bed. I figured that would be it, but the Ideal surprised me by asking, 'Do you want me to wait for you?' I hesitated, as I was completely not expecting that, and then I left the choice up to him. He waited. I walked, my pace, to Ish's room, where she was just getting in. She couldn't believe he was waiting for me, either, and of course, being us, we had no idea what, if anything, that meant. [Although the thought of him just being a gentleman is not surprising.] Ish insisted she'd be fine, and sent me on my way back to him.

After a little bit more chat with a couple of his friends who'd come down to the lobby, one or the other of us supposed that it was about time that I went home and went to bed. And he walked me to my car. Did I mention not expecting that? The walkway takes us right past Ish's window, where I could see her standing there, her mouth hanging open, and then straining to one side to see where we were going. She, like myself, had no idea what was going on. A gentleman, or is this going somewhere right now? We arrived at my car, a rather short walk, and I was leaning against it as we just stared at each other for a little while before he kissed me -- he gave me a hug, and he kissed me. Then, he thanked me for coming over that night, and re-confirmed that he'd see me Sunday before I left. We said our good nights and went each on our way. [ha! fooled you.] Actually, we arrived at my car, a rather short walk, and I was leaning against it as we just looked at each other for a while before he thanked me for coming over that night, re-confirmed that he'd see me Sunday before I left, and then gave me a good night hug. Or two.

Sunday when I stopped over at his dorm, I brought fresh cookies for him and for a couple other guys on his floor. Not that I hadn't found enough to keep me busy that weekend, but I have this inkling that guys like baked goods. [Anyone want to correct me on that?] Turns out that he had just IM-ed me, asking if I was around, when I showed up at his door. I drove back up to college, and one of the first things he said to me was, 'I was kinda hoping you'd stay :)'. I learned also that, though his weekend couldn't overall have been called 'good', it was a lot better than it would have been had I not been around. [huzzah.]

Did I mention the Ideal had a suicidal semester, what with 4 different languages, and two -- yes, TWO -- classes with my father as a professor? He was overrun with homework and studying constantly, poor guy. [But, I'd like to point out, that he survived, and thrived even. The phrase, 'passing with flying colours' might be applicable. Smart guy.]

Anyway, the next time I saw the Ideal was mid-October, during our fall breaks' beginnings and ends. I arrived home on a Friday evening, and he wasn't leaving until Saturday morning. Princess, Cabbit, Ish, and I watched X-Men 2 with him in his dorm room that evening, and hung out and talked otherwise. Then he headed north to his grandparents' place to go bow hunting. Fall break is a short break for me; even shorter for him. He only had Monday off, so he was back by Monday evening. Princess and Ish were out of town swing dancing with another friend -- I refused to be talked into going. Not my thing. So the Ideal called me, and we went walking around town together for the first part of the evening whilst he described to me the deer he got! We even secured permission to use the grill later for some less-than-24-hour-old fresh venison.

After that, we headed back to his dorm, and hung out for a while before some of our friends there showed up. At this point, he pulled out a fresh apple pie his grandmother had made. It was very good. You may not believe me, but that was the first piece of apple pie I had ever had. I know a lot of people there refused to believe me. We ended the open dorm hours talking and eating apple pie, before the Ideal escorted us downstairs to sign out. A number of us stayed there, talking, until late in the evening, before I finally decided I ought to leave. [I knew if I didn't, they'd stay us well past when they ought, considering they had class the next morning.] I gave good night hugs to my friends, and headed toward the door, only to find the Ideal following me. I assumed he was just heading back into his dorm, but I got suspicious when he followed me out the door.

Turns out that I had missed him in the hugging good night. This was not intentional; I don't think I'm that calculating as to plan situations in which I would get someone alone with me. I'm just not that socially coordinated. I honestly thought I had hugged him good night, probably because I envisioned hugging him good night. Still, it was somewhat bizarre to me that he wanted yet another hug from me, especially as he'd see me in chapel the next morning before I headed back to college. That's another thing about the Ideal. He's not a huge hug person. He doesn't believe in giving people hugs whenever he sees them; the hugs have to mean something, and come much more sparingly. Additionally, at least when he's hugging me, they're rarely quick hugs. They last. Thus, the fact that I get hugs from him nearly every time I see him is rather nice. I certainly enjoy it. So I hugged him good night and sent him back inside from the cold.

Tuesday, after chapel, he intentionally bumped into me -- I say intentionally because he couldn't have not seen me, and his face was covered with a lovely smile -- in any case, Princess informed me that this means he was flirting with me. [[I apparently missed that class in high school; I never know.]] I got one more good-bye hug, and then I headed back to college.

But of course, there's more to the story, which will be continued in Semesterness, Part Three...

Semesterness, Part One.

2007-01-13T17:05:00.000-06:00

I've been "gone" an entire semester. I remember doing homework, living life, and thinking to myself, "I should post about ... oh, wait. I stopped." A lot of my regular haunts seem to be vanishing to brighter, less technologically involved horizons, and that's okay. That's good for them, and I wish them all the best, though I know I'll miss reading them. I thought some more, and decided I didn't want to have completely vanished quite yet... so I came back. Here I am, take me or leave me. [[*And on the note of taking or leaving me, keep in mind that, in the words of my dear auntie Silk, ' [I] do tend to over analyse everything just a tiny bit' which of course means I over analyse quite a lot. I'm sorry. But if you're reading this blog, you might as well just deal with it. ^_-*]]

The day before the 'a bien tot' post, I took a big step -- well, big for me, that is. [My apologies to the emailed blogfamily members, for whom this may be old news.. unless you've forgotten, in which case, welcome along for the ride again.] It was a big step for me, but not the only big step I experienced this semester. More on that to come. This big step also had nothing to do with my decision to stop blogging, for the interim, as it was. The two events just coincided, and that's life. So anyway, my big step.

I told the Ideal that I like him.

I waited until after he was back here, going to college in my hometown. I waited till I was back up at school, myself. Not because I was chicken to tell him to his face; I wanted to tell him, but it just didn't seem right. That last day when he got back here, I helped him unpack his car, and tried to get the key into the storage facility that housed some of his larger things. We set up for the cookout, had the cookout with a number of friends, and did some dishes back at my house. We hung out in his room some more, with Princess as well, waiting for Ish.

Incidentally, it was the Summer of the Ish, and it was wonderful. So wonderful that none of us wanted it to end, and Ish certainly wasn't herself that last night. She was on the verge of hysteria, she was restless, she was about to freak out every second at the thought of not having us around the next day, or the day after, or the one after that. And on and on and on. We went on a walk, all together, and ran through sprinklers, and groped our way through the darkness into the nearby state park, to lie down on the path at a lookout point, watch the stars, and talk. And enjoy all being together, the four of us. Ish and the Ideal walked us back to our house, and said good bye. Multiple times. Time of death was called for the Summer of the Ish.

The Ideal thanked me for helping him keep his sanity all summer. [He helped me save mine, as well, but that's for later.] He and I talked for 1-3 hours, nearly every night this past summer. Almost all of it transpired on msn messenger. There were some phone calls, and Ish and I did make and send him Monster Cookies, which were a big hit. On one of those phone calls, actually ... it was the day before his flight was supposed to leave from California for Wisconsin. He was bored, he was glad I called. We talked for a few hours, on the phone, and somewhere in that conversation, we were talking about how men often need things spelled out them -- how most are not big on catching subtleties. This does not include the Ideal. He said something once about girls being vague, like how this friend of his liked a guy they knew, and the Ideal asked her, "Well did you tell him?" and she said she had, and then the Ideal said, "Wait, wait, WHAT did you tell him?" and she told him what she'd said [which wasn't a direct 'I like you'], and he exclaimed, "You didn't tell him ANYTHING! He doesn't know..." [[Note: This was *the* perfect time to tell the Ideal that I like him.]] We went on to discuss people being scared of putting themselves out on the line, open for the chopping block, like a bunch of chickens. People are scared of it ending up messy, and embarrassing, and painful.

Perfect time, and did I take it? No. I chickened out, because I was seeing him in a week for the cookout and moving in and such, and I didn't want to make it awkward. [Gotta love my optimism about the whole situation, right?] Ish agreed with my decision to wait till I was back up at school. Sometime during the summer, I was teasing her about something he had said about her -- seeing as how he at that point liked her -- and she said, 'I'm just waiting for the two of you to get together.' She was quite surprised when my response was, 'I wouldn't mind that, actually.'

So, back up at school, Wednesday night, our paths finally cross on msn, and he was going to be around long enough for me to tell him. I kept trying to catch him at a good time earlier than that, because I wanted it to be over. I wanted to tell him. I had wanted to for quite some time, and now that he was under no obligation to see me again, it was more than the right time. [Again, love the optimism.]

Here are some excerpts from that conversation:

I reminded him of the phone conversation, and his response was "yes, that was rather amusing" and I added "yes, and also the perfect opportunity for me to mention that I like you, but I didn't then because I didn't want to possibly make saturday awkward, if that makes sense."

ideal: yes it does [make sense]
can i say that i had sort of suspected all along?
{or would that make you angry?}
[I of course figured that if any guy would suspect, it would be him. I don't see what right I would've had to be angry, and I wasn't, and I relayed thus.]
then:
ideal: so... what you're waiting for is a reaction from me....
and I would say that at this point I am feeling pretty much neutral toward you....
if that makes sense. We have talked a lot, but I still don't really feel like I
know you (on account of spending very little time together face to face)...
[makes sense to me, and what I kinda expected to hear, and I told him so]

Ideal: not opposed to a future relationship (if that's what you were thinking), but neither
am I inclined to start anything right now.
sorry, i hate to be so predictable.

[And then someone stopped by his room, and he had to get going to a study group, which was meeting soon, but first:]
amelie: I'm sorry I made things awkward and killed the conversation
Ideal: I seriously just had karl stop by for advice.
it's okay
I'm not freaking out.
amelie: well that's good. I'm not either.
Ideal: also good.
amelie: indeed.
Ideal: one step forward for humanity... when people can act normal and discuss their
feelings

And then he had to get going. And we talked later that night, and on quite a number of other nights since then, and I can't really speak for him, but I don't feel any awkwardness, and I'm inclined to think he doesn't either. In fact, given the subsequent meetings and hangings out, I'm most certain of it.

I'll continue this subject in Semesterness, Part Two...

bear with me...

2007-01-09T19:57:00.000-06:00

I've been working on typing up a post of elephantasmical proportions about at least one aspect of this past semester, but this has been interrupted by work, and by a trip to Madison from which I returned ... yesterday. So, understand that I do mean to post more often, but I have a lot of information to convey, and compiling it is going to continue to take some time. Just know that I'm working on it...

an analysis of me?

2007-01-04T18:27:00.000-06:00

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have low extroversion.
You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.
A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.
You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people.

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is medium.
You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.
But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.
You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

every ending is a new beginning..

2007-01-01T19:38:00.001-06:00

'"Well, I'm back," [s]he said.'

A bien tot [updated]

2006-08-31T22:01:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about this for a while, and I think it's time. I've lost my muse, and my will to keep this lively, let alone alive. It's been fun, it really has, but I have been sensing myself withdrawing for quite a while, and I reached that point where I can no longer dither about what to do -- I have to just do it, and have done with it.

Long story short, I'm done.

Update: At least, I'm done for a while. The blog will stay up, and who knows, maybe I'll come back someday. Toodles.

Scarevella: the final chapter

2006-08-19T11:54:00.000-05:00

Thanks to all who were concerned for their well wishes; I'm feeling much better. Last night I talked with the Ideal, and then slept soundly. This morning, after a breakfast with a couple friends, I set to work on finishing the Chapter. [Oh, and Uncle RSM, I did say within 36 hours... that did give some indication on WHEN it would be done. Guess this means you can't rely on me to housesit, huh? ; ) ]

Anyway, Christina began this story with Resurrection. Lolly continued it with Death Tolls. Phoenix carried it along with Unnatural. That1Guy had the latest addition to the story, with Old Man.

Here's mine; I hope it's enjoyable:

The Eye

Pascal slowly turned to face the old man, a malicious grin spreading across his face like wildfire. Bastien held his gaze, standing his ground as gusts of putrid wind rushed past the boy, untouched, and pelted him with stinging drops of rain. Corrine let out a bloodcurdling scream as the droplets changed to fire. Bastien waved the women off to the side, Corrine dragging and shielding Lady Niette from her horrifying son. His skin singed as the fire pelted against his slight frame.

Steeling his strength against the onslaught, Bastien blocked the spirits Pascal had sent careening after his mother. He called upon the appropriate god to spare the woman her fate. It was too bad about the boy. If only Pascal’d been shown how to use his powers appropriately... but ‘twas too late now. The work of every devil was within him, captivating his very soul and the souls of all he touched. Pascal must be stopped.

“Come now, old man! You know I cannot be stopped, just as this storm cannot be controlled,” sneered the small child. And the storm waged on its war against every object, living, dead, or otherwise. Bastien glanced up at the swirling vortex that just this afternoon had been a calm, clear sky. The lad was cocky, though hopefully wrong. Sighing, the old man launched a full assault on the boy.

~~~

“Not Pascal, please, dear Lord!” Lacy pleaded with her God, her chest heaving as she weeped with terror and sorrow. She and Corrine huddled behind a small wooden shack on the edge of the LaFleur property. Harsh winds whipped across their quaking bodies, tearing at them and chilling them to the center of their souls. Lacy could not watch the battle ensuing, for the display of such evil power would have killed her. Corrine whimpered as the spirits soared closer, wailing and screeching as they went. The two women clung to each other, utterly terrified.

Corrine glanced up at Lacy. With a shriek, she started back from her and cried, “My Lady, your – your hair!” Lacy’s magnificent locks had turned a stark white where dark tendrils had extended toward her head…

~~~

Jeffrey woke up with a start. His older son lay, curled in a tattered quilt, at his feet. For all the covers over him, the boy was shivering, his whole body quaking with fear of his brother. Jeffrey quietly arose, heading straight for the window. The storm was more powerful than any he had seen. The trees flailed this way and that, and the entire house shuddered, creaking back and forth. Branches snapped off, sounding so like gunshots. A flash of lightning etched an ugly scar across the sky.

In the black sky, Jeffrey could see an opening toward the center of the storm. It was not the calm for which he had hoped; the tear was dark and ominous. From it poured forth shadows of creatures too terrible to imagine. He could hear their wailing over the noise of the storm. Abruptly, he realized it was because they were closer than he’d thought. He backed away from the window slowly, stumbling over the fitfully sleeping Emile. Dark, swooping figures were heading straight for the house…

~~~

Pascal sent another wave of demons at Bastien, blasting him also with torrents from the ever-growing storm. Bastien could feel his power wavering as another bout attacked. He wavered in his stance. The winds pulled at his skin, stripping away at his life. This child was strong – stronger than he should have been made, but those were, again, the devils inside him. His eyes glowed red as he called more spirits against his frail mother. Her life was draining from her terrified eyes, opened wide to the horrors these demons held.

Bastien was failing, and he knew it. He denied the impulse to break free of this mess and end it easily. He must try to save Lady Niette. She alone had had some small amount of control over this boy. Without her, there was no hope for any of them. He looked over at the affected mother. She was losing her soul at an alarming rate. The boy was harsh with her. Swiftly, he called again upon the appropriate gods for her sake.

Yet as Bastien glanced again at Lacy, Pascal attacked full force. The old man was broadsided by the worst of the demon spirits; his life swept away by the malicious forces of the storm. As the spirits shrieked, his slight, worn body crumpled to the ground.

Lady Niette screamed as she tried to scramble away. The full array of spirits was now turning their attention toward her. Corrine held her strongly in place. Desperately, Lacy looked at her companion’s face. She paled, her eyes locked in a gaze shared by blood-red pupils. These eyes shared with her the complete extent of her sins, and all the horrors of all the hells.

“Good-bye, Ma mère,” Pascal’s voice sounded from close by, a cruel smile twisted across his lips. Lacy’s eyes wrenched away from Corrine’s demonic stare, and she looked upon her son for one last time. Her body went limp, her soul consumed by the demons swelling about them.

“Come, my servant,” he beckoned to the remaining woman, and they disappeared into the darkness of the storm.

~~~

Jeffrey relaxed his grip on young Emile as the spirits drew back, their wailing subsiding. The storm must be near an end, calming. He breathed a sigh of relief. “Papa? Is it over?” He heard the trembling voice ask hesitantly.

“Oh, no, mon frère, it’s just the eye, the eye of the storm,” a corrupted voice intoned. Father and son looked up to see the small boy standing in the doorway. The storm raged about him, and the demons issued a bloodcurdling shriek as they rushed forth to devour the souls of Pascal’s remaining family. That-which-was-Corrine joined the force to consume, and Pascal’s maniacal laugh resounded throughout the bayou…

forgive me, and bear with me

2006-08-18T16:14:00.000-05:00

Saturday, I read the most recent chapter.

Sunday, I started writing.

Monday, I helped my sister, who had just had surgery.

Tuesday, migraines began.

I've awoken each morning for the past three with intense migraines. I still went to work, each day, but was worn out afterward. As such, this regrettably means I have not completed the finale. I'm focusing right now, as the weekend hits, on getting better, and getting rid of the neverending migraine. Hopefully, I'll have the chapter up within the next 36 hours.

I'm sorry.

because Lolly said she missed me

2006-08-12T17:18:00.000-05:00

it's been almost a month since i last posted; i'm getting to be as bad as fa. here's what has been going on in my life:

On Monday, my twink, Princess, is having hernia surgery in the morning. She's getting 1.5 weeks workman's comp. The guys at work are trying to figure out how to get hernias themselves, because they're jealous. She, meanwhile, is a little stressed, as you can probably imagine. I'm already praying.

Yesterday, my dear dear brother turned 21. No, he did not get drunk. No, he did not get wasted. Yes, he had a drink when we ate at Red Lobster. None of us sibs ever intend to get drunk or wasted or any point in between. I think he's glad to finally be 21, though his friends at college who are younger will probably hound him, jokingly, for alcohol; they know he won't buy it for them.

The day before that, Thursday, my dear brother and his girlfriend celebrated their anniversary. Yay! I like Cabbit, and they're quite wonderful together. [In retrospect, thank goodness she said yes when he asked her to be his girlfriend, else his birthday would've been horrible last year!] They went to an Italian bistro, and saw a few sights, and ended up at Coldstone. mmm.

Friday last, Princess and I attended the one acts, one of which was directed by our friend Rys. They were quite wonderful. Our friends Mullet and the Stud were in two different ones -- the ones not directed by Rys, actually. Rys' was our favourite [it was also, incidentally, the cleanest]. The Mullet's character had to recite the books of the Bible, and he missed two of them. Later, the Stud set up a competition between the Mullet and me to see who could say them the fastest. I won, by a large margin. Some of the not-so-religious kids -- and even some of the religious ones -- were astonished by that!

Today at noon, I met my good friend Curly for lunch. I didn't post about last year's occurrence, because it was mine, and it was special, and it was something that doesn't happen too often. I needed that to be mine a little while longer, but I might as well share now:

Last year, I called Curly up. He was a senior in high school, starting football practices. I was in my last week before leaving for college, and I had hardly seen him. We agreed on lunch. He picked a restaurant in town at which I had never eaten, and we met there. It was Wednesday, and the next day I was leaving for college. And it was wonderful, even if one of my classmates was waitressing nearby, and came by and bothered us. A lot. He handled that well [she smothers guys with advances], and we had a good deal of time to ourselves after that. We reminisced Knowledge Bowl memories -- that's where we met; he's one of my Cath. friends. We discussed classes at our high schools, and the musicals, and other friends.

At the end, he beat me to the check, saying, "Am, you're a college student. I'm paying for you." I protested, I told him how little I have to pay for college, but he was adamant. I insisted on getting the tip, and declared, "Then I'm taking you out to lunch before you leave for college next year!"

Fast forward to right now.

He picked a different restaurant. We met there, and it was absolutely lovely. No major interruptions of which to speak, the service was good, the food, excellent. We sat there, in Applebee's, for 2.5 hours, discussing this and that and whatnot. I got the check this time, and he reminded me to let him tip. We have decided upon a regular tradition. At first, I thought this might be the last, as we'd both already be in college after this, but I was delighted that he suggested we keep it up. Really, it's a great way of catching up with him. We're hitting a different restaurant in town each year, and alternating payment. It's a delicious prospect.

Another lovely thing about it is that Curly and I are just friends. We've always been friends, and just friends, without any awkwardnesses to it. Neither of us is leaning toward wanting to date the other -- it's one of those relationships with a guy in which I can feel, quite happily, that we will just remain friends. And I love it.

After that, I headed to Aunt Charlotte's house. She's 90something, and not actually family, but she's close, and she needs help with things around the house. She's very particular about everything, so every Saturday for which I don't already have plans, I'm over there in the afternoon.

One of the other things I've been doing lately is working as usual. We're in crunch time before football players, RAs, and freshmen come. It's crazy! I also keep losing students to sports and the like, so it'll be amazing if we get done on time [we *will* get done on time, I guarantee it].

The last weekend in July, I was in Madison to visit my dear friends there. A good time was had by all, I believe.

This past Monday, we had Coach over to watch a few films. This Thursday last, Princess and I had the Stud come by. We talked, we played a lot of Clue, we sang showtunes and danced in the street. It pretty much rocked my week. We don't get to talk to or see those two very much, so the time was treasured by all involved.

Otherwise, I've been swimming laps now and then, watching films with friends, playing pinochle with family, hanging out with Ish, and talking nearly every single night on msn with the Ideal. I love that guy. No, seriously, I do. If I'm in a horrible mood, if my back and neck and shoulders are killing me because they're so tight with stress, all of that melts away after talking with him for even just 30 minutes. He's moving back in two weeks, and I'm helping him move his stuff in whilst Princess and Ish shop. That evening, we're having a cookout with venison and bear meat that he's bringing from home. My first taste of each, so I'm excited for that.

The day after the cookout is the day we head back to college. 27 August. I kinda wish I had more time to hang out with the Ideal, in addition to Cap'n Jack and other such friends from the college in town, which Ish attends.

Now, to work on the last chapter of the Scarevella!

if i dreamed..

2006-07-16T16:58:00.000-05:00

[In case you're curious, Silk, this has nothing to do with our recent discussion; I wrote this before any of that.]

It was a late-spring evening, and the sun was slowly setting on the empty, still park. Trees, majestic and tall, swayed in a wind which carried the lingering fragrance of sweet blossoms. Two figures came over the hill, their footsteps crunching on the gravel path. They were a long way out, these two friends. The pair were enjoying discussions as they transversed the park -- so much so, that they did not noticed the fast-approaching storm clouds.

Just as they neared the middle fountain, a commanding Neptune in focus, a downpour burst from the sky. They raced to the old oak tree, attempting in vain to avoid being soaked. At first, they huddled near the base, laughing over their drenched circumstance. Soon, they were standing beneath the canopy, and together they watched the rain. Both had affinities with storms, and they were content in their plight. Occasional conversation ensued, with comfortable lapses into silence. It was during one of these that he noticed just how cold she was, for she was without a jacket, and her teeth were chattering quietly.

Gallantly, he removed his coat and draped it across her shoulders, refusing her initial protests -- he was a gentleman, and would 'tough it out.' She glanced at him gratefully as she snuggled into the already warm material. Showers continued, and the breeze picked up. She observed how chilled he was, as well, and, ever-practical, she implemented a plan.

With a little smile on her face, she slipped his coat from her shoulders, handing it back to him as she explained herself. He pulled it back on, leaving it unzipped, and the distance between them melted. She wove her arms around his waist, inside the coat, and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly, closely.
They continued talking, though they no longer noticed the rain. The mood between them had changed; their voices grew softer and they lapsed into more and more silence, enjoying the closeness. The storm had been the catalyst needed to bring them along the path they both had been leaning toward. The sun had nearly set as the rain continued coming down.

He shifted and began humming some low, gentle tune. She nestled her head against his chest as they started to sway. He lightly kissed her hair, then rested his head upon hers. They slowly danced under the canopy of the old oak tree, to their own unending song. Neither noticed that the rain had stopped...

a view of amelie

2006-07-13T22:00:00.000-05:00

from vacation at the lake..

Another Post of Gratitude *Updated

2006-07-04T17:34:00.000-05:00

Thank you for the kind thoughts and prayers. We're all doing okay here; I don't think it will hit us hard until we're at the funeral, or until we meet up with relatives. Also, I'm doing alright after doing some baking of chocolate chip cookies, some making of fudge, and some almost 2 hours of talking on the phone with the Ideal, who lost his grandfather right before I left on vacation. Needless to say, such activities are good for what ails me -- I'm left in a good mood, smiling and chuckling.

Update: Oddly enough, even though they pulled the plug at 11 am yesterday, he was still alive until 3.30 this morning. Funeral is Sunday.

Thanks and Other News

2006-07-04T09:33:00.000-05:00

Thank you to everyone for the kind words about my entry in the Psychevella. I really appreciated hearing them.

Also, Happy Fourth to all, concerned or not.

In other news, I regret to inform you all that I am going to be posting even less than usual in the next few days, as I have just received word that my great uncle is braindead. This is the great uncle who always had us come to stay at the lake cottage with him, his wife [the amazing cook when we're there], his sister and her husband. We would take his oldest sister, my grandma, along to visit with them. It was a good time, every year. He wasn't afraid of telling you what he thought, and saying it loudly. He also told great stories, and often had us crying, we were laughing so hard. He was a good man.

They're pulling the plug at 11 this morning, and the Lord will take him home.

With Apologies for the Delay

2006-07-01T00:18:00.000-05:00

I've just finished typing up my contribution to the Psychevella, a concept started by the lovely Lady Christina, who just celebrated her 39th birthday. Happy birthday, dear, with love.

This Psychevella began with chapters by Bob [with Bitter Herbs], Christina herself [with Heads Up], and Leslie [with Shrink This]. I have chapter four. Caltechgirl will follow me, God bless her, and El Capitan will wrap it all up!

I hope you continue to enjoy the Psychevella. Without further ado, my contribution:

The Old Neighbourhood

Hanging up the phone, Cahill furrowed his brow as the team swept through every inch of the old McFarland house. Something did not seem quite right about the place – something besides the distinct lack of Johnny’s mother’s decorum. I wonder what ancient childhood trinkets of Johnny’s and mine they’ll find, he wondered. The building had probably never been so thoroughly inspected as it was now. And yet, the main floor, which by the dusty stairs to second seemed to be the most often used area, was completely devoid of prints, blood, anything. Almost cleaner than a clean room.

Sighing, Cahill watched the team carry away the assemblage of appendages found in fridge and freezer alike. A complete set for a body, but there was no way he would let old Mrs. McCuddahey identify George in person; the shock might send her over the edge, and one death was all he could stand around here right now. Carefully, he’d had the team put the body together in rough form, and they’d thrown a sheet over most of the corpse out of respect. Digital print-out in hand, he made his way to the familiar brownstone next door, where an anxious Mrs. McCuddahey was waiting in his mother’s sitting room. She’d have a lot to go through these next few days, poor soul.

Cahill trudged up the familiar, care-worn steps, rang the bell once, and waked in. His mother was making tea to soothe her neighbour’s weak nerves, as well as to supply herself with a cuppa. Fortunately, the ever-practical Mrs. Romano was a Godsend; she handed him a brewed cup of coffee just as he walked in the door. She noted at once his appearance, especially the grim countenance displayed upon his face. Wordlessly, he passed the kitchen by, and entered the sitting room. Such a frail, tiny woman! He hoped, once again, that her heart was stronger than she looked. He sat down in his late father’s favourite chair. He cleared his throat, dreading this moment as always he did, and started in. “Mrs. McCuddahey, I’m afraid I’ve brought some bad news...”

“Is George in trouble? Is it that girl!? I hope he hasn’t been being” – her voice dropped to a whisper – “worldly.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s much worse. I regret to inform you that George, your son, has been… murdered. You have my deepest sympathies,” he consoled as he passed her the print-out. Cahill watched her suck in a long, deep breath. Her eyes had widened, and her hand shook more than usual – or so he thought – when she reached for the print-out. Her breath caught as she gazed down at it through her half-moon spectacles.

“Yes. Yes, that’s my George. My son… my only son!” And she sobbed silently, crumpling herself into his mother’s capable arms. The print-out fell to the floor, showing all in the room the disrespect that had occurred. Mrs. Romano picked it up gingerly, and jerked her head toward the kitchen. Cahill nodded. He followed her there to let one old soul help another in her grief. He could hear his mother softly soothing, “Martha, honey, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” and her voice trailed off as he walked out of earshot and into the kitchen. Mrs. Romano, of course, was all business, leaning against the counter, arms folded. “How long ago, William?”

That name again. He tried not to let it either irk or amuse him. “Two days ago, we think. Won’t know for sure until the pathologist gets a look at him. I hope to God it didn’t last days.” Cahill handed her his cup, looking for a refill. She complied, but with a confused look upon her face.

“How could a blow to his head have lasted for days?” She hands the brimming coffee back to him as he remembered, gratefully, what his team had done. Of course Mrs. Romano doesn’t know about the dismemberment, he reminded himself. “Never you mind, Mrs. Romano. Could you go back in there and see if Mrs. McCuddahey is up for a few questions right now? I know it’s late, but …”

“Sure, William, I’ll check on Martha right now,” and with that, she marched from the room, leaving Cahill to collect his thoughts. What ‘girl’ had she been referring to? Did she know anything about Lenny Markowitz? Would this all lead back to Dr. Schoedel? He had his suspicions about Dr. Schoedel, beginning with George’s personal notes on his sessions with the “Shiksa Psychiatrist” and leading into the number of messages / scheduled meetings George had relating to her. She had seemed unhelpful and uncomfortable on the phone just now… would she actually try to “find” George? Or did she know… Cahill brushed his thoughts aside, and headed back into the sitting room.

A more composed Martha McCuddahey sat waiting for him, her hands folding primly on her lap. Without further ado, he asked question upon question. Each was answered directly by Mrs. McCuddahey, with supplementary information from Mrs. Romano; if anyone would know around here, she would know. Cahill actually found this line of questioning useful, but only because he was so used to multiple women talking at once – especially if one of them was Mrs. Romano.

He started with general questions:
“Do you know of anyone who would want to harm George?”
“No, he was a perfect angel.”
“He was always very quiet, kept mostly to himself, and was polite whenever and wherever.”

And soon progressed to more personal questions, which conveniently addressed his curiosity about George’s decorations:
“What religious beliefs did George profess?”
“Well, naturally, Roman Catholic. We’re devout. He almost became a priest.”
“I heard tell he dabbled in all sorts of devilry, but I never wanted to upset Martha with it…”
Cahill made a mental note to ask Mrs. Romano more about that later.

Finally, he reached the question he’d been wanting to ask.
“When I first entered, you mentioned ‘that girl’. Who is ‘that girl’? ”

psychevella update

2006-06-30T19:05:00.000-05:00

i've been running here and there and everywhere all week, especially today, so chapter 4 will be up as soon as i can get it all typed up [it's handwritten]. please be patient because after all, life happens.

Just a reminder [posted a wee bit early]

2006-06-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

Please make your way over to Mom's place [either one] to wish her a very happy and blessed birthday, for she is splendid, classy, and loved.

Happy birthday, Christina!

Sooner or later..

2006-06-27T21:04:00.000-05:00

..I knew someone would put out an APB on me. I meant to post something last night, but time got away from me. I've been trying to catch up with Certain People, whom I really, really missed. I've also been working, and suffering from my worst sunburn. 1 hour and 20 minutes in the sun on Thursday morning, and it still hurt like the dickens all through Sunday evening, after which it's only kinda hurt. I felt physically ill because of it all of Friday, and I've got blisters all over my shoulders, upper arms, and upper chest. yay. This case is also not following protocol -- I may actually get a tan under the blisters and peeling skin, instead of just going back to lily-white right away. Let's just say sunburn and I don't mix well, but fortunately, the worst has past.

The Monday of vacation week, we traveled to the original hometown in Wisconsin for a funeral of a former professor and colleague of my father. Everyone was there. I recognized so many faces. There was talk of having a picture taken of all the professors and their wives again, for old times' sake, but a camera was not to be found at that point. It was good to get back there. We drove past the old house, ate at the favourite ice cream place, and dropped in on a few people.

Thursday, unbeknownst to me, was the funeral for the Ideal's grandfather. I would've gone.

Vacation was alright, but relatives were beginning to drive me crazy. I'm sure I make the week sound horrible -- there was good in it, and a lot of it. I just couldn't completely relax into it.

And now, as I'm back, I must continue working on Chapter Four for the current blogvella.

The story I was going to post yesterday? A work story. One of my girls, E., saw the other waiting outside to get in the van -- waiting before making a mad dash through the rain. I didn't see, as I was finishing locking some things up, but she wanted to hurry to get to them. Now, the door has a huge pane of glass window right next to it -- same size and whatnot. E. ran smack into it. She rushed outside, blood pouring from her nose, mouth, and lip, and asked the girls, head tilted back, "Hey, guys, is my nose bleeding?"

We got her inside really quickly, and into the bathroom. We washed her off, and applied tissues to the wounds. Fortunately, she only had a small bloody nose, and cut open her lip -- probably with a tooth. The window suffered know damage. Pretty soon, we were all laughing at it, and laughing hard. K. was still outside, and G. wondered if she was uncomfortable with blood. She's not, apparently; she just didn't want E. to feel bad that she was laughing so hard at her! We applied ice, and filled out an accident report, still chuckling.

Missing: Delightful BlogDaughter

2006-06-27T11:28:00.000-05:00

Has anyone seen my lovely blogdaughter Amelie?

She left on vacation and I've seen evidence that she may have returned, but nothing concrete.

Please come home!

You are missed.

Love,
Mom

Twenty-Five Word Challenge

2006-06-24T08:46:00.000-05:00

The rules are simple, just continue the story in the comments twenty-five words at a time.

With quilt wrapped tightly around her she sat in the porch rocker. Inky blackness surrounded her. Her ears and nose told her it was raining.

Summer Vacation!

2006-06-20T11:33:00.000-05:00

The lovely Miss Amelie is living the life I fondly recall, that of a college student.

She had a fantastic year at university and managed to maintain a 4.0 grade point average while she worked in the campus mail room, as well as tutored the cute in calculus.

After returning home for the summer, she immediately started her summer job.

This week she is off on a well-deserved family vacation. I hope she is having a wonderful time.

Her life, at the moment, makes me long for that relatively care-free time in my life where the dread of finals was one of my only significant concerns.

Godspeed, Amelie.

Have a great time, but come back quickly. You are missed.

Misc.

2006-06-17T23:32:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the lack of 25 today, and the lack of posting lately, but it's been, well, life. And since you're used to a lack of posting here, I'm taking off for the week. No, actually, the family is going on vacation to the great uncle's lake cottage in Wisconsin. There is no internet there. I did, however, ask Mom to post around here whilst I'm gone, so then you'll actually have something worth reading!

Also, since it's 30 minutes away, happy FAther's day, fa! It's been wonderful getting to know you over the past year. I think you're great. : )

Have a good week, all. And don't worry; you won't miss me.

2 days...

2006-06-14T13:44:00.000-05:00

I just got a sneak peek...and for those of you who are waiting, it's golden, just like she is.

Trebuchets

2006-06-11T23:33:00.000-05:00

Wednesday last was a momentous occasion for some of us. We burned the first trebuchet we built, after she sat outside for about three years. All four of us are in college now, and working constantly during the summer, and it was time to let go. She served us well.

Interestingly enough, I had not one, but two friends -- friends who don't even know each other -- question me as to why we were destroying such a wonderful piece of medieval weaponry. Guys, this is for you:

Lost and Found

2006-06-10T07:59:00.000-05:00

If you're looking for the 25 Word Challenge, you can find it at Mom's. Just in case you were wondering....

interesting

2006-06-08T17:25:00.000-05:00

Remember 'this guy'? [the friend with the lip reading and the sitting by the "lonely-looking" amelie]. Well, last night, whilst I was ever-so-pleasantly conversing with the Ideal -- there was an amusing chat about going shirtless and possible awkwardness involved -- 'this guy' and I started talking on msn, too.

We talked of the trebuchet burning that occurred last night [more on this when I have pictures], which led to a discussion of my friend and fellow trebuchet society member, Alpha. Alpha is getting married in December. He'll be a sophomore in college this next year; his bride-to-be, a junior. [He is, for the record, old enough to be a year ahead of me.] Somehow this morphed into a discussion of people engaged, as many of my classmates are. I'm not kidding. There's Alpha, Cu, H, L, J, Ma, Mo, A, Ch, Co, and the list goes on. His reactions:

"Dear God, is the world ending and I missed it?"
"Doesn't it seem quick to you?"
"I know it makes me feel pathetic."
and
"You would think I would have at least had one date by now."

Uh oh. This has apparently been bothering him, Mr. I'm-going-to-UW-Madison-next-year, so a couple minutes later, he decides to really throw me a curve:

"You know I was really close to asking you out once."

No, I honestly didn't know. Thanks for that revelation.

Really, though, it's somewhat a nice thing to hear, as I'm apparently not quite as much the lost cause I've always thought myself when it comes to the social scene, particularly the dating area of it. This event makes me think back to when 'this guy' and I first started hanging out as friends, and people started saying things to me about me and him, *nudgenudgewinkwink*. I don't think I ever really liked him like that. I realize I was prompted by other people's ideas into thinking maybe I did like him, or could like him, which isn't really the way to go about it. [Neither, for that matter, does dating for the sake of dating strike me as being particularly good for a person.] Instead of the suggestions, I should go more off my own feelings, since it's a matter of ... well, my feelings.

So, nothing shall come of this exchange other than my own revelation of thoughts, which I have been contemplating for a while, but which never really had me thinking before that someone could think/feel that way about me, even slightly. [apologies to a friend of mine on this one, who once shocked me by telling me otherwise... this is the first time besides Yu.]

And, after all this, I was able to wrap up my night by finishing the talk I was having with the Ideal, who is now in California for the summer, working long, hard days. He informs me that California is prettier than here where my parents live and where he goes to college. I'll have to take his word on that, as I still haven't been west of Minnesota...

Saturday post of 25ness

2006-06-03T08:21:00.000-05:00

"As she watched the casket slowly being lowered into the cold, hard ground, Alison felt a twinge of regret: They had never returned to Africa."

25

2006-05-27T10:45:00.000-05:00

"Cath glanced in the mirror, frowning. She tugged this way and that at the fabric, but no luck. Another lost cause. She hated swimsuit shopping..."

with apologies to aunt sadie...[updated]

2006-05-26T20:30:00.000-05:00

A recent msn conversation:

amelie: i've never touched a gun
the ideal: oh that's unfortunate
amelie: maybe someday i'll learn how to handle one
the ideal: i haven't succeeded in getting a deer for 5 years, but someone usually makes up for it so i can have my fill of animal flesh :)
amelie: don't know that i've ever tasted of it
the ideal: deer, or meat in general?
amelie: deer
the ideal: good, i was afraid i had met another vegetarian there for a minute
[almost simultaneously with the previous line] amelie: vegetarian is soo not worth it
[then, in response to his, because i could hear him saying it] amelie: lol
the ideal: so true
the ideal: except, what do you gain by being a vegetarian?
amelie: less protein?
amelie: more angst?
the ideal: lol
amelie: c'mon, you know i'm right :)
the ideal: certainly less angus

just because i found it interesting...

2006-05-22T23:35:00.000-05:00

how does this one compare?

the Perfectionist
Test finished!

your Enneagram type is ONE.

"I do everything the right way"

Perfectionists are realistic, conscientious, and principled. They strive
to live up to their high ideals.

How to Get Along with Me

Take your share of the responsibility so I don't end up with all the
work.

Acknowledge my achievements.

I'm hard on myself. Reassure me that I'm fine the way I am.

Tell me that you value my advice.

Be fair and considerate, as I am.

Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will help me to forgive.

Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get
uptight, but hear my worries first.

What I Like About Being a One

being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a great deal

working hard to make the world a better place

having high standards and ethics; not compromising myself

being reasonable, responsible, and dedicated in everything I do

being able to put facts together, coming to good understandings, and
figuring out wise solutions

being the best I can be and bringing out the best in other people

What's Hard About Being a One

being disappointed with myself or others when my expectations are not
met

feeling burdened by too much responsibility

thinking that what I do is never good enough

not being appreciated for what I do for people

being upset because others aren't trying as hard as I am

obsessing about what I did or what I should do

being tense, anxious, and taking things too seriously

Ones as Children Often

criticize themselves in anticipation of criticism from others

refrain from doing things that they think might not come out perfect

focus on living up to the expectations of their parents and teachers

are very responsible; may assume the role of parent

hold back negative emotions ("good children aren't angry")

Ones as Parents

teach their children responsibility and strong moral values

are consistent and fair

discipline firmly

nk: The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

weekend..

2006-05-20T10:42:00.000-05:00

I have wonderful news -- Stigmata / Puffy / whatever he'd like us to call him is back. And I'm excited! Here's starting out again here.

I apologize to those who've been waiting, but here's the 25 word challenge. Remember, no back-to-back entries, and all entries must be exactly 25 words. Continue on my story!

"The balloons swayed in the breeze, and the small child laughed as he sat upon his grandfather's shoulders. The old man was smiling, chuckling as...."

semesterness

2006-05-18T19:48:00.000-05:00

A recap of my classes from this past spring semester:

Calculus III: survived despite the horribleness that was my professor, who was, rather inconveniently, also my advisor. emphasis on "was", as I've switched to another. The term teach can only be used loosely with this man, who famously said, one morning when demonstrating a new concept, "Oh, wait. I can't do this. It's too early in the morning, and my brain doesn't function!" [Then how are ours supposed to function, Sherlock?!] Good concepts, and I learned them rather well and somewhat easily -- on my own -- but still, very little respect for him, but the course is over, and I'll make it so I never have to have him again. grade for semester: A.

General Physics I: better course, even if only for the physics lads I helped each week. I'll miss them. Professor was quite good, and covered a lot of material -- and it was fun to hear her mutter in German when trying to remember something. [[Silk -- she saw and likes Io.]] Some times the exams were too long, or I made really stupid mistakes on them -- and then beat myself up about it for a while. She suggested a physics minor, and we talked about the Trebuchet Society I was in during high school. grade for semester: A.

Introduction to Literature: I loved this class. The professor was incredible, and challenging, and, well, we all know my love of literature! She got the themes across very well, and provoked us to thought. [Too bad more people didn't speak those thoughts.] She ordered a switch to English major, or a double major with English and Mathematics, or at least an English minor. She volunteered to be my unofficial advisor, but for the fact that she's leaving this year, to teach beloved Shakespeare in Montana. She does return for next year's May term to take a group to London to see / discuss / write papers about some dramatizations. She keeps saying I'm going, but we'll have to see. grade for semester: A.

Women in U.S. History: Good class, predictable material, but enjoyable visiting professor. The woman can teach, no doubt about it, but she treated this intro level [1000 level] course as an advanced [4000 level] class. In fact, one of my floormates had her for a 4000 level class, and said it was easier than ours. They had less material to read, both per class period and overall. They also had options for the essays on the exams, and we did not. Also, we only had one paper, one exam [midterm] and the one final to make up 75% of our grade. Nonetheless, I thoroughly enjoyed this class -- including the fact that my roommate was in it. grade for semester: A.

Intermediate Problem Solving / Problem Solving II: There were three of us. Three. of. us. Two guys and myself. The professors rotated through being with us again. The problems were much, much harder, the concepts sometimes difficult to grasp. The Irishman and the new, better advisor were the first two supervising profs, and they were good at motivating us. My previous advisor / Calc III professor was our last supervisor. I don't even want to talk about it. Normally, I dreaded going to the class, and was sorely tempted once to skip, but once I got there, things weren't too bad. We got back Putnam results -- and I got a point! I'm still thrilled. Next up is the Putnam Preparation Problem Solving class next fall, and then I've run out of those classes. grade for semester: S. [It was a pass/fail class.]

Leaving me, altogether, with a grade point average of 4.0 for the semester, and, combined with fall semester's 4.0, a cumulative 4.0 for my first year of college. Amusingly enough, the calculus classes were the last grades to come in each semester... Anyway, there's not a big deal about this 4.0 at home, as things perhaps did not go as well for others with their various classes. I'm not expecting reactions like this -- just thought I'd let you all know.

Another quiz

2006-05-15T23:02:00.000-05:00

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	33%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|	16%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

trait snapshot:
depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely clean, observer, perfectionist, not self revealing, does not make friends easily, suspicious, irritable, hates large parties, follows the rules, worrying, does not like to stand out, fragile, phobic, submissive, dislikes leadership, cautious, takes precautions, focuses on hidden motives, good at saving money, solitary, familiar with the dark side of life, hard working, emotionally sensitive, prudent, altruistic, heart over mind, unadventurous

how accurate is this about me?

speaking of calendars..

2006-05-14T14:06:00.000-05:00

To the woman:
who responded to my scarce comments with utmost kindness last spring,
who took an interest in my life,
who encouraged me to begin blogging -- and even help me set up my blog and profile, who gave me family,
who taught me to appreciate myself more [we're still working on that one],
who inspired me with her own written words to write myself,
who started projects that brought us all together,
who juggled work and family time with her wonderful husband and two lovely daughters,
who encourages me to aspire to great things,
who believed and believes I'll get there,
who shines more brightly than any other writer I know,
who has touched each of us -- it has been said, and I agree, that she is the one who has, more than any other, united the blogosphere neighbourhood we have into a family,
who has done more for me than I can put into words [if I but had the eloquence to say them],

thank you, and happy mother's day, Christina.

calendar of events..

2006-05-14T13:49:00.000-05:00

Some of you may recall, datewise, that it was a year ago that I was debating going to prom that evening. I decided an hour before Grand March started, and I had promised to take pictures of people in it, whether or not I stayed. It takes 15 minutes to get to my high school, so I threw myself together in 45 minutes time. It was an alright evening, that night. I posted about it the following day, I believe.

In any case, it's been a year. Happy whatnot to me. [[read: today is [/was] for a breath i tarry's 1st bloggiversary]]

I recall my greatest ambition in beginning -- were expectations met? I hope so, as I've tried my best, given the circumstances.

It's a Saturday..

2006-05-13T08:17:00.000-05:00

In honour of the fact that I am done, the 25 Word Challenge will be related to relaxing, and summer vacation. That's right, I survived my first year of college.

Now, for those unfamiliar with the rules, they are as follows:
1. Every contribution must be exactly 25 words -- no more, no less -- and will be given in the comments, to continue on the story I start with 25 words in the post.
2. No piggyback commenting. Let someone else comment before you comment again, else you take over the storyline!

Without further ado...

"Jeanine let her fingers trail through the water as she lazily floated in the private pool. She breathed a sigh of relief. No more work, ..."

through with it

2006-05-10T10:17:00.000-05:00

You know what? I'm done. I'm tired. I'm fed up. I'm not going to give it any more. In fact, I'm killing it. Good bye, and good riddance.

*stab stabby stab stab*

There lies the image d'amelie, the image in which I am obsessed with finding someone or being found. It's ridiculous, and I'm not only sick and tired of myself for doing it, I'm ashamed of it. If it's supposed to happen, it will happen. If it happens, I'll talk about it. I'm not completely banning the subject. I'm just sick of pitying myself, because I realize, I know, that I'm not the worst off, despite what I tend to believe about myself. And it's just getting to be too much. So, if God wants me to end up with someone, I will, and if He doesn't, I won't. Plain and simple, and certainly not worth whatever thought I've put into it.

[/self-inflicted rant over]

25

2006-05-06T01:09:00.000-05:00

Time for that word challenge we all know and love! Just a quick reminder -- contributions of EXACTLY 25 words, and let someone else comment before you go again!

Here's the beginning:
"Leopold raised his baton high in the air as he prepared to cue in the string quartet. Everything was going according to plan, he thought, ..."

Enjoy!

because Audrey asked ...

2006-05-05T17:58:00.000-05:00

for Audrey, since she wanted to know:
a meme.
I AM: often thought to be lonely, when i'm just alone, and thought to be just alone, when i'm lonely; young, and old, at the same time, rather patient understanding and rational [i think].
I WANT: to be able to make it in whatever i end up trying to become, to keep my faith, to find happiness with a wonderful man and be blessed with children.
I WISH: to be recognized for being me, not academia. i recognize that that's a large part of me, but i keep telling myself there is more to me than that. that i could have met J.R.R. Tolkien; that those i love weren't so spread out; also, for happiness, good health, and the like for all whom i know and love.
I HATE: hypocrites, most fruits, being forgotten / left behind, credit card offers.
I MISS: my closest of close friends, Wisconsin, the lake, my dad, and my brother.
I FEAR: failure, losing those i love dearly, falling from faith
I HEAR: doors opening, stairs being climbed past me, random mumblings of a dorm, typing, Issy van Randwyck singing "I'll Build a Stairway to Paradise" from the Glory of Gershwin CD.
I WONDER: what path i'll end up following, if i'll find someone / be found, how i'm going to do on finals this next week, which friends will keep in touch with me as our lives keep taking us farther away from each other, how to do Problem #4 on the Putnam, where home is now
I REGRET: spending so much time second guessing myself and my friends -- convincing myself i didn't have almost any friends -- such that i missed out on a lot of good for years; and still having such a lack of self-confidence -- "how do you fix that?" would probably go into the wondering category.
I AM NOT: desperate, suicidal, and, currently, unhappy; as intelligent as everyone gives me credit for being.
I DANCE: very little, awkwardly, not as well as Princess, the guy's part in a waltz.
I SING: a lot of the time, in harmony [sometimes unwritten or before the singers of whatever is on], NOT at the dinner table [dad's rules sunk in], NOT when some completely different music is on [also a dad rule that stuck]
I CRY: at funerals, sometimes when i remember my paternal grandfather, sometimes when i think of how i never had the chance to really know my maternal grandfather, sometimes when i remember watching my maternal grandmother die; none of these are often.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: as kind as i should be, as happy as i appear [sorry, Audrey; they were the perfect answers for me]
I MAKE: promises [and keep them], good fudge and good cookies, a lot more mistakes than most people are willing to believe, music with my fingers, people freeze in their tracks / be quiet with a single quelling look, secrets stay secret.
I WRITE: all the stories in my head -- even though they don't all come to paper that well, letters to my g-ma each week, [sometimes i write] random quotations [both my own and others] to inspire those around me to thought or action, in several different handwritings, often without capitalization.
I CONFUSE: people who hate math, most people with whom i talk [they often admit they weren't really listening, too..]
I NEED: God, love, music, learning, the friends i have, the good times i have with them.
I HAVE: you. thank you.
I LOVE: God, rain, storms, fog, mist, accents, my family, my friends, chocolate, playing piano, hearing my father play piano, traveling, visiting those i love, the beauty of places like Pennsylvania Ireland New Zealand etc. [even if i've never been], a lot more things that don't need to be posted -- to know me is to know these.
I SHOULD: work out more, worry less, stop overanalyzing / overthinking everything, have more fun.
I TAG: my blogmother, my crazy blogaunt, my bloggodfaddah, my fa, my dashing brother, and Paige. if any of you would like to, have at it. if not, i won't be offended.

a followup story

2006-05-05T17:49:00.000-05:00

Almost a year ago, back during my first month of blogging, I posted briefly about a certain Peruvian Mermaid. She's back in the news again, and, quite wonderfully, she's walking.

in addition to guys i know and battery acid..

2006-05-04T18:47:00.001-05:00

... unrelenting migraines and calc tests the next day don't mix well. Oi.

On a positive note, tomorrow is the last day of class before finals

-- wait, did I say finals?!

Oomph.

On a *happy* note, Christina has started up fictional projects again, and I --gulp!-- volunteered for them.

Strangely enough

2006-05-02T19:53:00.000-05:00

I was home this past weekend. We are in the last week of classes, and then have the week of finals left. Needless to say, Princess and I brought home a lot of things ahead of time. We arrived home from college around 5.30, and we quickly unloaded to go pick up Ishy. Ishy is our sister from another family. We've known them since we were 3 [she was 4], and thus all the subsequent siblings are like brothers to me, and the parentals on each side get their own appropriate monikers. They lived behind us in Wisconsin [or vice versa], and moved to Minnesota when we did, since our dads teach at the same college. Ishy is 11 months and 2 weeks older than we are, and was in our brother's class in school.

Ishy once gave me a card for my birthday that sums us up rather well. It said that we were like two peas in a pod -- two slightly discoloured, irregularly shaped peas, but two peas nonetheless. Our thought processes are remarkably similar -- in situations of discussion such as knowledge bowl and banter with friends, we're prone to the same responses. Later Friday evening, I leaned over to her and said one short phrase which burst her into laughter and the astonishing, "I was just thinking that!" I love her dearly.

We got her and our mother and headed to the Culver's 30 minutes away, to meet A. A. is still in high school, and misses seeing Ishy and myself a lot. A. is the friend with whom I saw Les Miserables in the Cities at the end of January. She also needed to talk to someone about personal issues, and was very glad we could meet up with her. Princess and Mother went shopping [my poor mom], and the three of us retired to the nearby Barnes & Noble. After a relaxing bit of browsing, we acquired some chocolate cheesecake [mmm] and found ourselves a remote table at which to chat. Here, during A.'s problems, Ish and I kept saying the exact same phrases. The fun truly began, however, when Ish and I attacked the cheesecakes with forks -- and A. took a picture. Much picture-taking ensued, in all kinds of wacky poses and situations. One of my favourites was of Ish, Princess [after she showed up] and I doing the three monkeys. I was Kikazaru. Another good picture was of Ishy and I portrayed Calvin and Hobbes next to a large cutout of them -- the picture was for the Ideal, who loves Calvin and Hobbes, but we'll get to him later; it's an amusing story.

The next day, I continued in my determination to relax and leave school stress behind me. I got downstairs after doing some reading at about 10.00, and I asked the parentals about any baking they wanted done. As it turned out, Mother had pulled out some dough she bought -- white chocolate macadamia -- and asked if I'd bake some. Dad was also not adverse to my making some more fudge. These two things I did, along with making some chocolate chip cookies. Some of the chocolate chips were swirled semi-sweet and white chocolate, for variety. All the cookies turned out scrumptiously chewy and good, or so I was told. The fudge was rich and creamy and -- according to my dad -- exemplary. I left most of that with him. Speaking of my father... Just the night before, Princess and I had been saying to Mother again how much we miss hearing Dad play piano. It's one of our favourite things. So, whilst I was baking on Saturday, when melodious strains wafted up from the basement, we assumed she had said something to him. She informed us, however, that the reverse was true. He must have remembered from the last time we mentioned it. He is quite a wonderful player -- though he will always be modest about it, and remind us of his lack of practice [or of time in which to do so], such that he is 'rusty'. To me, there are few things as beautiful as hearing my father play piano. I sat on the floor of the kitchen as the cookies baked, my eyes closed -- enraptured, I was in such bliss.

To get our mother out of the house, and away from schoolwork and housework, Princess and I took her to Ice Age: The Meltdown. She really gets a kick out of movies like that, and a good time was had by all. Dinner that evening was grilled pork, asparagus wrapped in bacon, and noodles. So good. Words fail me when it comes to home meals. That evening, after briefly seeing a math-conference-exhausted Ishy and depositing her back at the appropriate dorm, I pulled out the Keira Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice for a bit of late-night film viewing.

Now, to the purpose of the weekend: this Sunday afternoon, after church, there was a service at the college at which my father teaches pastor track [SPaM] students. The point of this service was to honour those professors who were celebrating either their 25th or 40th year of service. It was my father's 25th year in the ministry, even if he's only served 3 of them at an actual church. Whilst he preaches very well, he is more useful and blessed in teaching, and explaining, and instructing the future pastors of our synod. His students -- past and present -- have commented numerous times about how difficult his classes are, and how much respect they have for him. The future students are scared of him -- especially in lieu of the red tie. The red tie was actually mentioned as part of the program during the dinner later, apparently, although by then we were heading back to college.

The service was wonderful. Good sermon, and the choir was amazing. I knew the piece they were singing, and wanted to sing along badly. It was rather well attended, although that makes sense when one considers that the college president was celebrating his 40th. Also sitting with G-ma, Princess, and me, as well as hanging out with Princess and me at the reception, were Ishy and the Ideal.

Let me explain about the Ideal, for it is a fun story to tell. Last year, when Ish was still dating Cap'n Jack, my father knew that she was dating, but didn't know whom. He knew the young man was a freshmen last year, and in the SPaM track. Thus, when he saw Ish talking with one of the students he had during last spring, he thought perhaps that young man was the boyfriend. He asked, we informed him of his mistake. We also told Ish, who told the young man, and all had a good laugh about it. Dad actually went so far as to say that Ish couldn't do better than the young man, really. Here was a future pastor of whom my father had a rather good opinion. [In all fairness, the young man is kind, intelligent, and hardworking, amongst other things.] Hence, I call him the Ideal on the blogosphere, because to my father for a daughter, he is.

The Ideal also thinks quite highly of my father, as well. He told me as much when I first met him this past fall. Princess, upon meeting him, in making sure it was the right young man, kept mentioning "the one that Dad thought Ish couldn't.." etc. When she was doing this, he was also eating one of the cookies I had sent back with Ishy. He had this notion that cookies from our household must make people smarter, which I naturally thought of and discussed with Mother this Saturday during baking.

Anyway, the Ideal had heard of this service from Ishy, and inquired, through her, if the event was invitation only or open to the public. Since it was the latter, he came and sat with us. I informed him that we'd spoken of him the day before, and his guess at the context was his idea that my father was going to try to set him up with one of us [Princess or myself, not Ishy]. He's opposed to being forced into relationships, as well. I was shocked, because that is the last thing I can imagine Dad doing. He's not that kind of father, nor that kind of professor. He merely thinks very highly of the Ideal. I countered with the thought that I didn't think he had anything to fear, and explained the cookie reference.

The Ideal recognized me, but for the third time, didn't remember my name, although when pressed to guess by the Princess, he threw out my full name for one of us, and claimed he was going to guess Princess' name as her own, as well. This was during the reception, which was oft interrupted by random professors and their wives -- and parents of friends of mine -- came over for hugs and to talk to us about college -- were we done, when were we headed back, how far was it, etc. Nonetheless, an altogether enjoyable conversation ensued with Ishy and the Ideal. Ishy will never fail to put me in a good mood -- and I was happy all weekend, mostly -- and the Ideal is quite good and pleasant company. We also learned a few things about the Ideal. One of the few colours he doesn't mind wearing [especially when dressing up] is grey. Guess whose favourite colour grey is. He got glasses in 1st grade, as did my father, as well. Clearly, he's studying to be a pastor, which my father currently is. The Ideal also told us he isn't on facebook because "facebook is evil" -- this is my father's obsessive phrase. He'll use it as the reason for anything bad that happens which we tell him about. Princess and my jaws just dropped. These are just a few of the ways he's like our father, but the similarities are striking. As we left to go home, I collected goodbye hugs from all [ahh, hug quota].

Finally, I left my dad a note at home: "No wonder you like him -- he thinks facebook is evil. Love, Amelie." From what I heard when I called to report we'd arrived back at college safely, he and Mother had burst out laughing at the sight of it. Good.

A good, relaxing weekend with family and friends. Just what I needed before finals.

Some people shouldn't have kids...

2006-04-27T16:23:00.000-05:00

No one could've handled this better. Just appalls me, that this happened. Go read.

don't mention the word thesis

2006-04-23T17:41:00.000-05:00

It's the last three weeks of the semester, and I feel swamped. Not everything has actually been given out yet, so far as papers and tests and the like go, but it looks to be frightening. Right now, I'm working on an important paper for my Women in U. S. History class. The assigned question for the paper is a full, 10 line paragraph, complete with at least a dozen points that must be covered, all within 8 pages. Based on two books. And don't get me started on the Lit paper, Calculus project, and Physics test...

On a more positive[?] note, as of this last week, it's been suggested now that I take on three different minors. Last semester, at the end, my history TA suggested a history minor. I was flattered. On the Monday before Easter, my Lit professor asked me to stay after class, and began, "I don't know how you ended up a math major, but.." and essentially said I should switch majors, double major, or minor in English. She thinks I've got talent. Moreso, she said that if she weren't leaving this college after this semester, she'd have volunteered to be my unofficial English advisor. This Wednesday, when I asked my Physics professor some questions in her office before class, she asked me, "Have you considered a physics minor? You should." Meanwhile, I've been frustrated with my Calculus III class, and especially the professor who's "teaching" -- and I use that term loosely -- the class. Worse yet, said professor is my advisor. Not a good scene. Hence, I've got quite a bit of thinking to do, I guess. Just when I needed it, too. [/sarcasm]

25

2006-04-22T00:56:00.000-05:00

Time for the 25 word challenge -- but with a twist [Pay attention to the twist, please]. Normally, I write the first 25 words, and you add to them in the comments with exactly 25 of your own, letting someone else comment before you add on again. This time, I'm going to supply the end of the story -- that's right, the END -- and you have to write the 25 preceding it. All clear?

Enjoy:
"... and after Jenn shivered, just she opened her eyes, and the lights came back on. The movie was over. She breathed a sigh of relief."

Inquit and Backrubbery [updated]

2006-04-17T21:40:00.002-05:00

In the previous post, I talked about how the Stud and I thought we saw each other Saturday last. Bizarre set of circumstances, but it led us to plan so far as hanging out sometime Friday or Saturday evening. Friday ended up, for me, being family Pinochle and watching an episode of House with the parentals [Mob Rules, from Season One]. I snagged a movie afterwards to watch up in bed whilst everyone else went to sleep.

Saturday morning I -- *gasp* -- ended up going shopping after taking care of some banking. Actually ended up getting something, too, which is even more shocking. The afternoon included homework and seeing my "sister" Ishy, who updated us on her relationshippial difficulties. Pleasantly, she ended up staying for supper, where she met the brother's girlfriend. Dad made Chinese, which was absolutely incredible, and the conversation was enjoyable and unstrained. Towards the end of the meal, the phone rang yet again, and I got to it first. To my delight, it was the Stud.

He once again broke his phone rule -- in my defence, I was going to call him 15ish minutes after that, when the meal and cleanup would be completely over. The Stud himself had been called by Drea, who was bored out of her mind and wanted to do something. To his credit, he informed her that whatever happened that evening would be involving me, as he wanted to hang out with me and had tentatively made the remotest of plans. Fast forward a few extra phone call updates, and Drea drops her mom off at church, picks the Stud up and brings him to my house. We grabbed Deluxe Scrabble and Fluxx and headed out the door.

We played Scrabble in the middle of a park, on a picnic table next to a closed water fountain. [We stood in as the missing figurines first.] We had a great time all catching up, and hanging out, and playing the game. It was incredibly windy, and occasionally sprinkling, but neither weather condition detracted from the good time that was had by all. Drea kept calling us "Team," and thus she became "Coach." Coach kept trying to play words like "Inquit" and "Ly."

After this, Drea was hungry, so off to McDonald's we went. Drea's explanation of how weird she is: "Okay, so I never used to eat McDonald's. Have you seen Supersize Me? Most people get deterred from ever eating McDonald's again after seeing that. I saw that, and then starting eat McDonald's, and found out I really liked it!" We used my ice cream cone with the fries for dipping [my grandma taught me to eat them like that], whilst we sat and caught up some more in the van, awaiting the "Come pick me up" call from Drea's mother, who is an awesome, spunky lady with whom I've had the privelege of attending Knowledge Bowl meets, and whom I have helped with last minute errands for plays, just because I got there early [I didn't go to their high school, and she entrusted me with the keys. Very cool].

I relayed a story about how someone here at college who can't remember my name said she'd call me Speckles, and the Stud laid claim to use of that nickname for me. The mother called, and informed Drea and the Stud that they'd be singing at the 8 a.m. Easter service at their church. Thus, the decision was made to drop the Stud and myself at his house, whilst Drea and her mother headed home, out in the country, to make an early night of it.

The Stud and I played Fluxx in his kitchen. He'd never played it before [it's a game where the rules constantly change], but we talked the whole way through it. There were times we ended up putting down the cards for an extended period of time and just talked. I've missed hanging out with him. He's just ridiculous sometimes. When I was explaining something, he suddenly goes, "Oh, I got ya," and I said, "Really? Cuz I feel like I could easily flee the room right now," and the words were barely out of my mouth before he clamped down on my arm. Later, after Fluxx, when we were still talking, and I was explaining something again, I was sitting farther back in the chair, and he suddenly lunges at the closest part of me -- my foot -- and grabs it before saying, smirk on his face, "I got ya."

He also experienced his first Amelie backrub, which was right around the time he first said something about how he should be getting to bed. Twenty five minutes later, he says, "You can keep going if you want, and I don't really want you to stop, because it feels good, but I suppose I really should get to bed, so I suppose you really should stop..." And then he took me home, so I wouldn't have to walk in the rain with my games, around midnight. So thoughtful, eh? It was a wonderful evening.

The Stud has a girlfriend. : )

...

Update:
Kudos to Edd for pointing this out; I thought I had finished it. The Stud has a girlfriend, and I'm nothing but happy for him, as he deserves all the happiness in the world, but she's not me. Sorry for any confusion!

Eventful Weekend [includes Kidnapping #2]

2006-04-10T20:00:00.000-05:00

This Saturday, at noon, the Nebraska suspects [from the Physics lads] kidnapped me for a second time. They told me they'd come for me at noon on Saturday, but that was all they'd tell me -- no location, no activity, no other people involved. What I wasn't expecting was to be :
taken to a kitchen,
told to shut up,
forced to sit in a chair,
tied to the chair,
have my wrists and ankles bound,
and left there.

The stove was on already, so I burned the ropes off [burning my wrists in the process]. Since I figured this isn't a normal, cool thing, I decided to go for help. I was right by the stables [yes, we do have horses boarded here on campus], so I saddled up a horse, since I had no car keys and the car was not conveniently there anyway. The horse wasn't familiar with me, however, and balked, sending me falling down a ravine, where I hit my head, rendering me unconscious. Fortunately, I was rescued by three guys, and after I recovered, I made my [apparently] famous apple pie for them.

Oh, did I mention that one of my rescuers was the Lone Ranger? Or that the Nebraska suspects took me to the campus student dj-ed radio station, where we read a Lone Ranger transcript on air with the hosts of that hour? My name was Clarabelle Hornblow, complete with impromptu accent, thank you very much.

Afterward, the hosts interviewed us about various things; my creepy memory came up during my interview, so that was interesting. I had a good time of it.

Later that Saturday afternoon, I glanced out my window, and thought I saw, for the briefest of moments, the Stud. Some of you may remember the Stud from way back when in posts. He doesn't go to my college, but his does compete against mine in track, and he's out for track for the first time. Moreover, I thought I saw him walking with a young lady, Jackie, who went to his high school and goes to my college, who is also in track. The guy and girl I saw -- the girl had the same hair as Jackie, and a very similar build. The guy had the same build as the Stud, the same hair, and was wearing a grey hooded sweatshirt with maroon lettering -- the high school colours of Jackie and the Stud. Neither one was turned towards me, and I only saw them for a few seconds.

I flew downstairs to do a casual walk-by toward the other wing. No dice. Not the Stud. I went on facebook and left him a message on his wall, saying I was thinking of him, and asking how he was doing. I did not, at this point, tell him I thought I had seen him Saturday afternoon. He responded with this:

'Nothing too exciting here....no kidnappings
anyway. Staying busy as always. Track is going
great...we've run against your college the past two
weekends (and I've gotten to see
Jackie...yay!). I saw someone that kind of looked
like you at the track meet yesterday. She was
wearing a shirt bearing the insignia of your college,
and she had a clipboard (must have been a statsperson).
Then I realized it wasn't you and that just wasn't cool.
But....if you are home over Easter break I could
avoid that realization and actually see you....?

Ciao,

the Stud'

Needless to say, I found the coincidence very odd. Still, looking forward to hopefully seeing him this next weekend! Speaking of this next weekend, anyone willing to host the 25 Word Challenge?

26

2006-04-08T10:04:00.000-05:00

In honour of Victor Borge's inflationary language, it's a 26 word challenge this weekend. Remember, you add to the story in the comments, continuing on my 26 words with your own contribution. Also, you should let someone else comment before you add on again.
[also, kudos to fa for hosting last weekend.]
That said, here's the beginning:

"Jay fingered the little box in his pocket hesitantly. Was now the right time? No, not yet. Mandie was still talking about work. Not just yet..."

Writing

2006-04-07T20:36:00.000-05:00

In case anyone was wondering, I submitted "Glorious Reminiscence" via Silk.

Query; Opinion Requested

2006-04-05T15:24:00.000-05:00

If I were to consider entering one story in the contest referred to here, by the lovely Silk, which one of my stories should I enter? The blogmother brought it to my attention this afternoon.

Please note, also, that I've made the stories accessible on the sidebar, under "Amelie's Fiction." One of these days, I should do something for drawings as well.

That being said, any suggestions? Preferences?

mm, weather

2006-03-30T09:40:00.000-06:00

This has been my weather week, and I'm enjoying it as much as I can, given the circumstances of vast amounts of studying. For example, Sunday and Wednesday were similar in nature. Both were relatively sunny, cool, yet also warm enough to say, "Spring's here." Tuesday also saw a little sunshine, but not much.

Monday was absolutely my day, and today looks to be much of the same. Most people hate these days -- I heard friends here call it "crappy all around" but I think it's absolutely gorgeous. Grey, cloudy -- gloomy, if you will -- skies, a cool temperature that's pleasant, with a light breeze and a light rain, as well. just LOVE it. I'd happily live with that every day.

difficulties

2006-03-25T19:26:00.000-06:00

i learned this morning of the suicide of an extended family member. whilst i didn't know this individual -- we had never met -- it still shocked me, and makes me ache -- especially for the family members more closely related.

so tough.

Twenty Five

2006-03-25T01:05:00.000-06:00

It's a very, very early Saturday morning, and still Friday night in my way of thinking, but here's the Challenge!

Continue my story in the comments with your own contribution of exactly 25 words -- no more, no less. Also, let someone else add theirs before you contribute again. That way, everyone determines where the story goes.

Here we begin:

"Ivan vigourously swam his morning laps. Stroke after stroke, he glided through the crystal water. Such strenuous, tranquil exercise invigorated him for the day ahead."

Glorious Reminiscence

2006-03-22T23:32:00.000-06:00

Moira dipped her fingers slowly into the sack of grain -- she loved the way it felt against her skin. She stood in the marketplace, taking in the bustling sights and succulent smells. She grinned to hear the baker quibble familiarly with his wife over the prices they charged and of which items more would be needed today. A group of churchwomen congregated together, clicking their tongues as they gossiped about everyone else. The menfolk made their way away from the hubbub to see the new machinery on display over at Ben Rooney's place. Children ran laughing through the street, darting behind this booth and that one, and around ol' blind Tom.

He was standing there with Magnus, who dutifully waited, tail a-wagging, to lead Tom on to make the necessary purchases. His companion would not budge, however, for though he could not see, he knew he had the young ladies enthralled with his recollections of his adventures at sea. Magnus whimpered silently; the story had reached its end, and the other young women were lured away by the nearby rich fabrics in the general store. Tom started in on the same tale for a second time, and she gave Magnus a pat, encouraging them to continue with their day. It was good to hear his voice again, Moira thought.

She slowly meandered to her favourite garden stand. Its faded sign had been painted long ago by little Rebecca, the long-gone daughter of the old couple who ran it. There was Robert, a big man with a shock of white hair and crinkly, smiling eyes, and his wife Kathleen, a stately, tenderhearted woman with a love for children. Moira bought an apple, smiling to herself as she watched a very wee, trembling child change her expression from terror to delight as the big man looming overhead, taking up the sky, offered her a juicy apple. What good people they are, she mused.

As she strolled along the outskirts of town, the sea air caressed her rosy cheek. The wind carried to her the sounds of the Finnigan brothers, Andrew and Kyle, laughing heartily as they welcomed a new guest to enter their pub. Everyone became family here. She looked off the bluffs, watching the fishermen come into the shoals, dragging nets. Children bouncing out into the surf to greet them were so joyous for the day. How good to be here, and happily Moira swayed with the wind, only to be caught in the strong arms of the young, handsome doctor.

"Easy, Mrs. Sweeney," he murmured -- but who was Mrs. Sweeney? She herself was but 16 -- as he half-led, half-carried the wizened old woman with wispy, grey hair carefully back to her daybed, where she'd dream back once again...

Disgruntled

2006-03-22T09:43:00.000-06:00

A pox on whosoever decided that setting off the fire alarm at 4 in the morning was a good idea, so that all your hallmates, clad only in their pyjamas, had to go stand out in the cold for 30ish minutes whilst the police searched the dorm and found NO FIRE.

25

2006-03-18T11:46:00.000-06:00

It's been a while, ladies and gents, but the 25 Word Challenge is back.

Continue my story in the comments with your own contribution of exactly 25 words -- no more, no less. Also, let someone else add theirs before you contribute again. That way, everyone determines where the story goes.

Without further ado:

"Jane brushed the dirt off her knees, and slowly got up. Her cottage garden was beautiful, and in bloom. The morning air was crisp, and ..."

Knives, Swords, Snowpeople,

2006-03-16T16:15:00.000-06:00

combinations thereof, problem solving class showing up the guys, impressing the prof] and other things that make me happy:

Thanks, everyone, for the concern. Everyone has bad days, the amelie notwithstanding. Shocking, I know.

Sometimes, there is absolutely nothing wrong in your world, and still you feel so unbelievably unhappy with things... and the ditch was the best way I knew of to describe it. I would NEVER, never actually do that, rest assured. I'm not perfect, but I'm not that far off the opposite end of things!

So, thanks to all of you for the thoughts and hugs and attempts to cheer me up [you know who you are]. By and large, the efforts succeeded, and I'm back to being the way you're all used to me being:

simply, amelie.

Unclear

2006-03-15T23:45:00.000-06:00

In the latter part of last semester, I drove my sister and our most regular passenger back to college from our hometown. It's trip that takes just a little over 2.5 hours, and I typically always the driver. I do like it that way, especially since the other two fall asleep pretty regularly during the journey. This specific instance, we were about 30 minutes into the ride, passing through the first town we encounter. Sure enough, my passengers had already drifted into the arms of Morpheus, and it was just me and the road. Wesley [our 1996 Cutlass; got him this past spring with only 37 thou on him] was running smoothly, and the stars were out.

And then the stars were gone. It was difficult to see -- very difficult. Not the best lights on our car for that kind of difficulty. My sister woke up, startled. She immediately smacked me and said, "Amelie, why'd you turn off the defrost!" Then she rolled down her window and discovered -- oops -- it was fog. [We've told this part of the story before, and as we mention each time, she has yet to apologize for it. Just funny -- imagine the sheepish expression.]

It was infinitely easier to navigate Wesley through the treacherous fog without her or our passenger awake, but wake up they did, and they wouldn't go back to sleep. Too busy telling me what to do, where to drive, and most of all, complain about how thick the fog was [as if it were there problem]. I did get us to Morris within three hours, however. Afterwards, I thought about how lucky we were to have pulled through that without harm. It honestly wasn't that hard to do, and I wasn't overly concerned that night.

There are days and times, though, when I recall, in my mind, travelling through that treacherous fog. I envision it without passengers -- just me. And on these occasions, I think not only of how easy it would've been to end up in a ditch, but how I wish I had.

Tonight is one of those times.

drawing corner

2006-03-12T19:10:00.000-06:00

just thought i'd pull out some drawings from a while back... mostly from freshman year of high school, actually. this is before i took art class, as you can probably tell by the quality.

as you may be able to tell, i was on a Lord of the Rings kick...

this first one i drew whilst sitting out during a Knowledge Bowl meet round -- this has got to be the calmest i've ever been during a Knowledge Bowl meet [and i never was this calm during them again]. not my best work, clearly.

this next one is from during one of my religion classes. this doesn't mean i wasn't paying attention, of course! i just needed something to do, and decided to draw. this one has nothing to do with Lord of the Rings, but i loved the flow of her dress, so i needed to add stairs and the candle to make it work...

also drawn during some classes was the beginning of the more central picture of arwen. i added the side picture a months later, as i had nothing else upon which to draw at the time. again, not one of my best, especially when it comes to shading [notably, the lack thereof on the face...] but for before art classes, not horrible, per se...

finally, we have probably my best pre-art class effort for this collection. at least, it's the best as far as shading goes. it still doesn't quite look like him, which is irritating, but i can live with it. this was the product of a Saturday afternoon:

very saronsifying

2006-03-08T20:12:00.000-06:00

Today, I starved myself.

...Perhaps that sounds a bit too drastic.

I ate a breakfast bar for, of all things, breakfast, and then I didn't eat until 6.15 this evening -- and how glorious it was.

In honour of my grandmother's birthday this past Sunday, my dad and I prepared a delightful dish called Chicken Victoria. We've added a few of our own personal touches [jumbo shrimp, scallops, served with our own version of Red Lobster biscuits [ours are smaller, more garlicy, and cheesier], and the chicken victoria is served on brown and wild rice], but essentially, this is the recipe:

Barth's at the bridge chicken breast victoria

Yield: 1 Servings

¾	c	Butter;, (divided)
1	c	Flour;, (divided)
2	c	Whipping cream
4		Boneless; skinless chicken breasts, (6 ounces each)
½	ts	Salt
¼	ts	Pepper
1	c	Sliced mushrooms
1		Shallot; minced
8	oz	Small shrimp; peeled, deveined
4	oz	Crab meat
½	c	Dry white wine

In large saucepan, melt 1/4 cup butter and stir in 1/4 cup flour to make a roux. In another pan, heat cream. Slowly add cream to roux and stir over medium heat until sauce thickens. Set aside. Pound chicken breasts to flatten and dredge in 3/4 cup flour that has been seasoned with salt and pepper. Heat 1/4 cup butter in a 10- to 12-inch skillet, add chicken and saute until golden brown, about 4 minutes per side. Remove chicken to serving plate and keep warm in low oven. Melt remaining butter in same skillet. Add mushrooms and shallot, saute 2 to 3 minutes. Add shrimp and crab meat. Cook until shrimp is opaque. Add wine, bring to brisk boil. Turn heat to low, add reserved cream sauce and cook until mixture thickens to consistency of heavy cream soup. Pour sauce over chicken and serve. Makes 4 servings.

Have I mentioned how divine our version tastes? I've never had the restaurant's, but I adore ours. We don't make it too terribly often, as it's so rich, but when we do...

*sighs*

You can find me in my happy place.

Dial 9, 1 8888 ...

2006-03-05T12:31:00.000-06:00

This past Thursday, after I posted, I avoided my paper like the plague. I had a paragraph and a conclusion left, and I just didn't want to have at them yet. So, I found a much more enjoyable way of occupying my time.

I called the Feisty household.

There, I was able to catch up with the wonderful Sweet One, whilst listening to Wee One's antics in the background -- that girl always tries to compete with me for Sissy's attention! We had a good chat, nonetheless, before the Sweet told me, "Mama wants me to get off the phone now --- oh, wait, no, she wants to speak to you!"

Mom and I had a good, albeit brief, conversation before she, ever the classy lady, had to use the phone as life support for the adorable Silk, who was apparently dying to talk to me! Thankfully, she survived, and we had a pleasant chat about ostrich heads and guys and nannies and the like. She is just lovely.

That phone call wrapped up with story swapping with Dash, who strikes me as being delightful company -- never an awkward moment!

But the fun didn't stop there, as I was able to enjoy yet another dose on Saturday evening, when I got to speak [again] to Dash, who then turned me over to Fa. [Adored the reaction when I heard Dash say on the other end, "It's your daughter." "My what?! -- oh."] Zonker is quite the wonderful guy -- a gentleman, who can dish out just as much as he takes [which, from the sound of things, is a LOT]. It was good catching up with him.

He in turned passed me on to my dear Aunt Sadie, who apparently has been labelled the devil. A top-notch woman, nonetheless. I enjoyed speaking with her [and plotting with her...]

Once again, I was able to speak with Aunt Silk, who's [practically] perfect in every way. Absolute delight! before being handed over to Christina and Sweet One, for a good-night wrap-up, as I had to get off the phone.

It would take a lot to equal how much talking with these treasures did to improve my end of the week! Love and hugs to you all; it was awesome!

requiem

2006-03-02T18:31:00.000-06:00

11 years ago, to the day. It's even the same day of the week, actually.

...

It was a typical wintry day, although still dark out. Throughout the city, everyone was snuggled under the covers. The wind blew the top snow around a little every now and then. The icicles glistened as they slowly melted. Spring was on its way, though far off on the horizon. The world was quiet. At a time when all the children should be asleep in their beds, we were awakened by the shrill bring-ing of the telephone.

"He stopped breathing!"

It was 1 ante meridiem.

...

I was always his girl. He and I used to read together, go on walks together, do puzzles together, played the same types of games. People sometimes say I remind them of him. Maybe that's just the brain, for he was a very intelligent man. A pastor who served most often as a professor, just like my father now is, he had an incredible memory. He was fascinated with history, and enjoyed languages. Knowledge was his thing. He still knew how to be sneaky, although often that was just a sign of his affection.

He was not a perfect man. He had idiotic quirks, just like everyone else. He never sang hymns at church -- I didn't know if he could -- because he was studying the text and its meaning. He once, famously, flew into a tirade at his Pinochle partner for her choice of play. He was pacing back and forth, fuming, when the scorekeeper informed him quietly, "Dad, you won." He stopped midsentence, whirled around, and said, "What?!" "You won." "Oh," and the matter was dropped. This is remembered fondly.

He was a man of many names. The second [of four thus far] of a family name, he was nicknamed for his light hair initially. In later years, scores of students referred fondly to him as Mudslide -- for the way the skin around his cheeks and mouth sagged. Some students called him, years and years down the road, asking for some sort of assistance, and he always did what he could.

He's the reason, I believe, that I've always been closer to guys than to girls. I'm just more comfortable there, and I believe that's all the time I spent with him when I was young. He was my best friend.

...

I remember his funeral. He, again, was the only one not singing the hymns. His funeral took place on his wife's birthday. [She still has a picture I drew of him when he was sick, those last few weeks. I coloured his skin yellow.] Had he made it to September, there would have been a 50 year wedding anniversary celebration. He died at age 77 years, of pancreatic cancer.

I remember him on this day, every year. The words echo in my ears -- "He stopped breathing!" -- and my grandfather -- my father's father, the only grandfather I have the pleasure of remembering [but that's a story for another time] -- he was gone.

I miss him.